Something You Should Know

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It's no secret that I have struggled with a distorted body perception of myself for a long time.

I haven't even been able to truly express my feelings about it, because I am still trying to figure out how I feel.

I definitely DO NOT like feeling this way, especially when everyone looks at you and tells you that you're beautiful and that you're "not fat" and that you have nothing to worry about. It's hard not believing them.

The fact of the matter is, I have a problem. I have a problem with food and my body as a couple. I have a really hard time. Saying that I have a "hard time" doesn't really cut it.

My hard time is me staying up at night worrying about looking in the mirror the next day. My hard time is thinking about everything I eat. I will worry about even the healthiest thing. I don't know exactly how this all started, but I really want it to go away.

I don't know if it ever will go away, but I'm tired of this. I've learned so much about myself no doubt, but I don't want to be afraid of exercise or food or anything good for my body anymore. I want to believe in myself. I want to be hopeful. I don't want to be afraid to take pictures. Gosh, I hate taking pictures, because I hate seeing how I look. I used to be so joyful. I used to be so happy with myself. I used to be so comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure how I can make this go away. But oh, how I wish it would.

It's a terrible feeling to know that you see something completely different in the mirror that everyone else DOESN'T see.

It's a terrible feeling when you start a workout and you are going strong, but then you convince yourself that it doesn't even make a difference and you see "the next best workout" here or "this workout doesn't work anymore, but this one does" there.

Often I ask myself, why is this happening to me? Why do I see something I don't like in the mirror? From a very young age I was taught that I am of divine worth and that I am a creation of my Heavenly Father and that I should love myself. For a long time I believed it. Sometimes I still do, but that doesn't always help. I feel pressure. I feel pressure when I look at girls and their what seems to be perfect workout routines. I feel pressure when I see girls who look beautiful in clothing that I feel like I could never look beautiful in. I hate to admit this, but I get angry when I see anyone who feels comfortable about the way they look, because i am jealous. I want to feel that way too. Just telling myself that I am a Daughter of God and that I should love my body isn't enough. I've read my scriptures. I've said my prayers. I've done everything good, but it doesn't go away.

Some days it does though and so I get confused. I feel so guilty for not being okay.  The cycle is vicious. Oh so vicious.

But a lot of the time it rears its ugly head back at me and I'm back to square one. So where do I go from here? I'm not quite sure. It's hard being so vulnerable. It's hard knowing that you really can't have everything the way you want it be. So I will leave you with this...

On days where I am feeling particularly down on myself I ground myself in things that make me happy.

1. I am grateful for my feet. They can take me 40,000  steps in two days at Disneyland.
2. I am grateful for my body when it tells me what makes me feel sick. I recently had to cut out milk, ice cream, and cheese from my diet because I think I might be lactose intolerant, but I'm really grateful that my body will talk to me and tell me what is good and bad.
3. I am grateful for my hands. They have played beautiful music. They have held beautiful hands. They have given me mobility and the sense of touch.
4. I am grateful for the marks on my thighs and hips. Some days I think they are ugly, but others I see them and notice progress and progression and phases of life.
5. I am grateful for my eyes that see the beauties of this earth. And I am grateful for the tears they shed in pain and in happiness.

Today that is what I am grateful for. I still have a way to go, but thank you body for not giving up on me even on the days that I have given up on you. Thank you for pushing me in the most gentle way. And thank you God, thank you for creating bodies so that we may be more like you. Thank you for giving me the power to create.

And thank you to anyone who is reading this. I can't really, truly write all that I feel right now. It's very hard for me to talk about, but thank you for being open-minded and thank you to everyone in my life who has shown me the greatest amount of empathy when they could have just brushed all of my emotions and heartaches aside.

"Be kind regarding human frailty..."