Observed // Me 4 (???)

//

Just yesterday, I was at the mall celebrating the completion of my accounting final. Tyler had to be on campus for another three hours, and the Gap was having a grand reopening so naturally, I went and ate cookies and popcorn and avoided people that kept asking me if I needed anything.

"No, I'm just looking and yes...I've been here for three hours, I know."

I bought one thing. I'm really bad at this capsule thing, but don't worry I'm trying and I'm setting new goals. Anyway. While I was looking around just perusing the new arrivals and fast fashion things that would dissolve in your wash, I was also thinking about life and stuff and feelings and how the world spins madly on without you and you just need to catch up or slow down or do whatever makes you feel the best. And I was really thinking about my tendency to avoid all people.

We all do this, we all avoid common places because of the people we might just see.

Whilst in H&M looking at this incredibly beautiful but extremely poorly made necklace (it was already rusting) Poor form, H&M. I saw a few people that I know. One of them was in the checkout line, I felt like calling out to her saying, "Hey Sarah!" but she was totally in the zone. That zone where you've been waiting in the H&M line for over an hour, I exaggerate, and you are just ready to get your adorable striped blouse and go, because H&M is all about the striped blouse and that rusty necklace was just a bad egg out of all the really good ones. The zone that I created for her to justify NOT saying hi to her.

And maybe this is too existential, but I felt a little lonely not calling out to her. I felt a little lost. Why didn't I do it? Why do I separate myself from people that I genuinely like? Why don't I call out more? Why do I go it alone so much?

I saw someone else. A high school friend, Cara. I thought she was a worker at first, but she called out to me.

"Dani!"

"Oh hi, Cara!"

That was a little tender mercy to me. I was so absorbed in clothes and in my own self-reflection and sort of self-pity and anxiety that her calling out to me really meant something.

She had a bunch of boys shirts because she's going to the BYU Jerusalem Center and I felt really happy for her. Really excited, because I've heard great things. And I felt bad for ever thinking bad things about myself.

I often regret how I didn't do study-broads or how i didn't kiss more boys or how I didn't make more friends or how I didn't do that thing at that time with that person or with that opportunity.

But I listened to her talk about how she needs flowy tops and I looked at all of her choices and i thought she looked adorable and then I thanked her inside my head for talking to me, because sometimes you need people to remind you about what you have. You need people to remind you that being open and being happy with your life is okay.

You need people to remind you that it's okay to talk to someone you haven't talked to in a long time.

It's okay to call out. You don't have to shrink away because you don't want to be judged or you don't want to be asked that question or you don't want to feel regret about something that happened so long ago or you don't want to be reminded of what you don't have.

You need people to remind you about what you do have. 

And I know this sounds so incredibly silly, shopping at the mall, thinking about life, but it wasn't silly to me. It was something I needed. I needed to be more willing to be warm and open.

Closed and cold is what i've been doing lately, and I don't want to do it anymore.

Good vibes, only. Because good vibes will follow you. Don't wallow in your stress. Face it head on. Be of good cheer as they say it, because people want you. People think you're great and you should start thinking the same about other people.

Observed // Oh there has been quite the dry spell...

//

And I can't really make excuses except for the fact that school is always making me busy. I'm just busy with school, and it makes me sad, because I know I'm neglecting my dear, old friend...the blerg, I mean blog. Yes, dear blog, I'm neglecting you, and for that I am truly sorry.

The dry spell all started when I came to terms with my issues with food. Coming to terms with issues that you have is a really vulnerable experience. Vulnerable experiences are the worst. They really make you feel naked. They make you feel like you've taken 10,000 steps back.

I never thought I had a problem. I always thought I was just fine.

"Oh, that could never happen to little, old me...oh wait...it already did."

See what I mean?

Now, I'm not going to go into deep and gritty details about my struggles. I'm doing fine right now, honest. I really am. Things are good. Ups and downs happen every day, but ain't that life? It's life! Everybody say it, it's life. I really evaluated some things that were happening, and I made some decisions that were better for me.

For example, I really cut down who I was following on social media. Sure, I had this mad feeling that I was missing out, but I realized that I was missing out on things that were bringing me down. So why not miss out on that shiz? Yeah, why not?

Another example, I stopped shopping every week. I was shopping every week. I am so ashamed to say that. It's been hard. I've messed up. I've had to try again, but I'm making progress and I have a really good friend named Tyler Abbott who helps me. He's a really good counselor, too bad, I'm not sharing. If you want to know more about what I'm doing (capsule wardrobe) just let me know. We can talk about it. You'll help me!

One more example, I started surrounding myself with people that lifted me up. Not to be selfish, I mean I try to lift them up too, but I surrounded myself by the most uplifting and encouraging and inspiring people. I wish I could see more of those people. I miss you, Karly. I miss you ,Talor. I wish I wasn't so overwhelmed with school and life and responsibilities. I think I need to make the time, but that's another thing. I have to make a lot of time for myself nowadays. Time where I can be alone. Time when I can meditate and reflect. That's needed.

One thing that I'm trying to do is not worry every waking moment about school. My major is one, big, fat, horrific competition. I hate it. But it's too late to get out and I am so close to being done, so I can't give up now, but I can do things to make me less miserable where I am.

Here's the thing, I always tried to push my trials and emotions away; I never let myself accept the reality of my mind, my body, my heart, my soul, my life. Once I did, it hurt like hell, but now that I'm learning to cope, I'm finding peace. I'm finding joy. I'm finding love. That's really great, don't you think? Finding love for yourself is probably the most liberating feeling. It's the most overwhelming thing too. Your heart bursts. Your heart sings. You love someone so deeply like a spouse or a mom or a dad or a sibling, but when you love yourself...it's hard to explain but it's like gold.

So I chose a dry spell. Or the dry spell chose me? Part of me let it happen because I had to put my efforts elsewhere. You really gotta take care of yourself. Eventually, a rainstorm will fill you up with the coolest and most refreshing waters. You just have to wait for it. You can even run to catch that dark but hopeful cloud. Dark as in it's filled with that water to get you out of your drought.

So if you're in a drought. If you're having your dry spell. Live it out. Endure it well. Deserts are beautiful. Oasis's are even more beautiful, peace and self-discovery in both are the loveliest feeling of all.

Observed // Oh Hey

p h o t o 

Honestly, I don't even know what to write. All I know is that I promised to write this week. That's the thing about blogs, don't promise to write posts for them. It's like promising not to shop at H&M or Forever 21 anymore. You always end up going in because Madewell is too dang expensive and the other places are so trendy and cheap. Not blogging is less expensive.  Ok I don't know how that all connected, but it did in my head. It just did.  So here's a quick update on silly old me.

1. I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm learning about my story. It's kind of heartbreaking but kind of beautiful if I do say so. It's heartbreaking because I'm letting go of parts of myself that aren't that good but I thought they were for like my whole life existence, but I just realized that those parts were fragile and leaving little scars and feelings and insecurities. Some of them I'm holding on really tight to, but I know they need to float away and pop then fall back to the ground. Kind of like a balloon. Let it go and be sad for a little bit as it rises higher but then move on quickly because there is nothing you can do about it and it wasn't really worth getting upset over a balloon. And it's beautiful because I'm discovering new things that I really like. And I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I'm feeling some peace and acceptance. These beautiful things are becoming my strength. They are becoming hidden treasures. That's pretty cool when you think about it. Finding treasures hidden in your layers.

2. I'm almost done with school and that has to be the greatest feeling in the world. Only two more semesters and an internship in between. That feels really good. I have always had the goal to get a degree and graduate from BYU and it's happening. That makes me really happy. A goal I've had for 10 plus years is coming true.

3. I saw a quote the other day that really spoke to me. "There is something ugly about the flawless." Except for Jesus, of course. But yes, when people always have to put up a perfect persona I just feel icky. I like people that have tears smudged on their cheeks, hair a little disheveled, crooked smiles and hearty laughs that sound like they are deep from the belly. I like lipstick that isn't in the right place all the time and that fades to a stain. I like clothes that look like you just threw them on. I like rosy cheeks after the cold and I like people conquering their fears with guts and grit.

4. I've learned that crying isn't weakness and it's okay to cry. IT'S OKAY TO BE VULNERABLE! It's okay to admit that you are freaking out and don't know what to do. And it's okay to celebrate when EUREKA YOU'VE GOT IT!

5. I really like my driver's license picture. I remember I had to go to the DMV the day after Tyler had surgery and that morning was hell. Tyler was in so much pain it scared me and my mom. I didn't even put makeup on. I jumped out of the shower and went as fast as I could to the DMV just so I could get it over with and get back to him. I knew I looked terrible, but the picture doesn't look bad to me and that's the funny thing about expectations. We get all dressed up and we expect ourselves to look fiiiine in the pictures but then we get disappointed. Go in with low expectations and come out on top when you see how you really look.

6. You know when someone makes you upset or reminds you of things from your past and you're just so fed up and angry and the tears are so hot in your eyes because there are so many things that you want to say to them but it's in the past so you need to let it go? Yeah I had that feeling the other day. It was one of the hardest things I just wanted cry my eyes out and tell them to just go away and leave me alone. I wanted them to know how I felt manipulated and that I was done with them. And believe me I wouldn't be writing this if I hadn't talked to Tyler about this. So hopefully this doesn't sound too weird. But it was that one time when I was reminded about who I was two years ago. It reminded me of how young (yeah like I'm 100 years old now) I was and what I believed love and friendship was. And I'm just so grateful with where I am now. Like really.

7. One of my best friends Emilee just stopped by while I was writing this. Tyler said the best thing when she said "sorry for distracting you." He said, "Distractions are the best when they are people." I love him. I love her. People are great.

8. This song.

9. As much as I complain about things too much, life is pretty beautiful. It's all around grand and lovely and a good life.

10. I've kind of forgotten why I started writing...so I'm going to drift out. Until another time.

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Observed // I can't do it alone

p h o t o 

Today, I broke down.

Today, I realized that I really can't do it alone. I just can't. As much as I think I'm invincible and I'm strong and I'm fearless and I'm super-woman. I'm not. And I'm not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to be angry or to cry, even though sometimes I feel that way, I'm saying these things because I feel like giving up and I can't because I also see where I'm going.

When your husband is recovering from an extensive reconstructive surgery, your life is 100% dedicated to his needs. But life also expects you to be 100% dedicated to school and work and callings and pinterest and blogs and instagram and everything in between.

That's just not possible. It's not possible for me. I can't do it.

As much as I pray that I can. I can't.

God has granted me with far more serenity for far other things. For things that matter most really.

But it's hard to see that.

It's hard to see that I can't do it all.

Listen, I have worked out in over a month. My body is feeling it.

I haven't cooked a solid meal in days. The time is slipping for me.

I might need to take Tyler to the doctor again because of reactions to medication and the pain being SO excruciating at times despite medication that Tyler almost passes out.

It's overwhelming and it's humiliating to my soul and it tears my heart out and I just can't do it.

I almost want to say that NO 21 year old girl should feel this way.

I shouldn't feel this pressure. Why does school want me to be perfect, why is this happening? Why is that happening?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I can't tell you why. I mean I could say something from a conference talk and I could think of my own philosophy but for right now I'm going to rely on comforting words from my mom and the small little smidgen of peace that is still left in my heart.

Because that's all the strength I have left.

That's all. And I need that strength to help Tyler get to bed and brush his teeth and go to the bathroom and eat. I need it. It's all I have left.

Observed // 3 or 4?

p h o t o 

Listen up, and listen good. I do not feel good. No, I do not. I feel like I've been hit by a bus and swallowed by a fish. I feel completely let down by myself. I haven't updated this blog in what seems like forever. I can't swallow food without feeling like I'm on a sailboat being torn apart by the sea. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to do school anymore. I pretty much don't want to do anything.

Oh and I haven't worked out in days. I feel like a straight up schlump you guys.

But let me tell you this. I have no reason to be ungrateful. I do not.

I have had so many freaking flipping fracking people watching out for me. Not including Tyler. He always watches out for me.

Like Ginger Ale at my door step, sour patch, hot tamales, and mints delivered, and a million and two texts of well wishes, love, kindness, and help. Like who the eff am I to complain?

I am pretty gosh darn blessed. The gosh darndest. I can't even tell you how much I love the people in my life.

I can't tell you how much my life is changing for good.

I have stopped caring about things that were negatively burdening my life. I stopped worrying about likes, and outfits, and my career and I've started focusing more on what brings me the most happiness in the world.

Guys. I can't even begin to express the glow I feel underneath all this crappy sick stuff.

Like, I want to look as damn slap happy as this lady in the picture. Doesn't she look divine, and so perfectly casually dressed? Heck yes, I want to be a version of her of me. Get it?

Anyway...that's me observed for a fourth time...or a third. I've lost track.

Now go listen to this shiz:




Gah! And this too!
 

Monday Musing // Observed thrice.

I am not the skinniest.

I am not the curviest.

I am not the most fit.

I am not the prettiest in pictures.

I don't look gorgeous without makeup.

I have a roll of chub on my belly.

I sometimes eat more than I should.

I didn't exercise today.

I was impatient.

I wear oversized clothing that probably isn't flattering.

And I feel sad.

But here are the things that I am.

I am the kind of person who tries to see the silver lining in every thing.

I am a giver.

I am a lover.

I am a fighter.

I care.

I love.

I laugh.

I am a daughter of God.

I am a wife.

I am a daughter of wonderful parents.

I am a person who tries.

I am a person who smiles.

I am a person who doesn't give up if she doesn't see results in the mirror.

I am strong.

I am powerful.

I am beautiful.

And I am gold.

p.s. photos are not mine. I found them on pinterest. I was just too lazy to link the sources. please don't sue me. 

Observed // Me, again...

p h o t o 

I'm observing myself again. And my feelings. And my thoughts. And my beliefs. I observe those a lot. And when I say observe, I mean reflect. That's what I'm doing, but I like making things sound deeper and more hipster and artsy because that's the way I roll. So observed is the word. 

Well, it's me again. Back for another blogpost. Back for another musing on a Monday. Wearing a t-shirt dress I got from the Gap for $11.20. Because I really like a good deal. I like them so much that I buy so many deals that it pretty much defeats the purpose of deals in the first place. 

And the thing is, I'm pretty grateful that Tyler tolerates me so much, because I really bug myself a lot. I get annoyed with how my mind works sometimes. I am annoyed with my anxieties and the feelings I have. And I realize that I'm not loving myself enough and so I have to observe myself. I just do. I have to take a break from the pretzel bite recipe I'm trying, and I need to observe myself, because it teaches me to love myself more. It teaches me to see what Tyler sees. It teaches me patience. 

And so I observe....reflect, really. 

So things I've observed about myself. 

My style preferences have evolved. I have always really liked laid-back styles. Granted, in the past I forced myself to wear certain pieces to fit in, but now I think I've got it. Honestly, I could use some more business appropriate pieces in my closet. I need to dress a little more professionally, but right now I am really happy with how my closet looks. I look at it and I think, yep I could pick anything in here and be happy about wearing it. Though, I should really invest in a well tailored pencil skirt and white blouse. That would be a grand idea. Mom, are you interested in making both of those things for me? 

So if you see me in a lot of stripes, oversized shirts with pockets, and t-shirt dresses just know that it makes me happy and comfortable and to me that is quite enough. And I don't really want to worry about pant suits right now. 

I love cooking. I looooooooove it. All types of cooking. I love trying new recipes. I love eating the food. I love watching it all form into something. 

I am still addicted to instagram, but the likes and comments don't matter as much. That's a relief. 

I may like certain bloggers and certain people and I may be tolerant of things and I may have a more open mind towards things, but that doesn't mean that I hate the church I belong to. I know it is true and I have my standards and I have my testimony and I believe the doctrines. I believe that I am equal among the men of my institution. One of my favorite bloggers is going through a spiritual journey and I started really getting bent out of shape about it, but then I decided that it's her life, not mine, and I can't change her ways, but I can change mine and I can become a better disciple and daughter of God, because that's who I want to be. God is love and God is good. He is no respecter of persons, but he loves with an infinite love and I know that through the Atonement, I can do all. I can overcome fears and doubts that I have. I know it, because I have experienced it. 

Slowly but surely, I have started to love my body again. 

Slowly but surely, I am getting the hang of this kinder thing. I am getting to know people around me and I am making new friends and trying to patch up relationships with old ones and it is working out. 

Every day I learn something new. Every day I shed some tear about some silly thing, but I learn more about life and love and happiness and peace.

And every day I'm grateful for all these experiences because it's what this grand plan is all about. 

Boy, I am so grateful. 

Observed // Me

p h o t o 

Me. 

I like wearing stripes, gray, birkenstocks, vans, jeans, and dresses that are three sizes too big. 

I have never been body conscious until two months ago when I realized I had gained so extra pounds. I never thought it would paralyze me with fear so much. 

I have found strength in my husband who is truly my best friend. He is my other half. People used to say that he stressed me out...in fact one time two people told me that I treated him like a child. They accused me of treating someone I loved badly. Well they didn't know the depth of our relationship. They didn't know just how deep my love for him was and that they were the ones that were causing the stress and anger in our relationship. Some people just see what is in front of them, but they don't see the whole picture. They don't see the inner feelings of the heart. They don't see when they don't want to feel...when they are angry and bitter. That's why I never want to be an angry or bitter person. I don't want to be blind. 

He is better than I could ever be. Every day, I aspire to be just like him. 

He is my heart and soul. 

I really love pinterest and instagram. 

Social media gets me down. 

Sometimes I compare myself to other people. 

Sometimes I know that I am pretty kick-butt on certain days and it's the greatest feeling. 

I am learning to be kinder. 

I am learning to forgive. 

Some days I am happy as a clam and free as a bird. 

Some days I am just like Sam Shukusky and I'm looking for my moonrise kingdom with the love of my life. 

And all is well.