Observed // I can't do it alone

p h o t o 

Today, I broke down.

Today, I realized that I really can't do it alone. I just can't. As much as I think I'm invincible and I'm strong and I'm fearless and I'm super-woman. I'm not. And I'm not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to be angry or to cry, even though sometimes I feel that way, I'm saying these things because I feel like giving up and I can't because I also see where I'm going.

When your husband is recovering from an extensive reconstructive surgery, your life is 100% dedicated to his needs. But life also expects you to be 100% dedicated to school and work and callings and pinterest and blogs and instagram and everything in between.

That's just not possible. It's not possible for me. I can't do it.

As much as I pray that I can. I can't.

God has granted me with far more serenity for far other things. For things that matter most really.

But it's hard to see that.

It's hard to see that I can't do it all.

Listen, I have worked out in over a month. My body is feeling it.

I haven't cooked a solid meal in days. The time is slipping for me.

I might need to take Tyler to the doctor again because of reactions to medication and the pain being SO excruciating at times despite medication that Tyler almost passes out.

It's overwhelming and it's humiliating to my soul and it tears my heart out and I just can't do it.

I almost want to say that NO 21 year old girl should feel this way.

I shouldn't feel this pressure. Why does school want me to be perfect, why is this happening? Why is that happening?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I can't tell you why. I mean I could say something from a conference talk and I could think of my own philosophy but for right now I'm going to rely on comforting words from my mom and the small little smidgen of peace that is still left in my heart.

Because that's all the strength I have left.

That's all. And I need that strength to help Tyler get to bed and brush his teeth and go to the bathroom and eat. I need it. It's all I have left.