Pizza Saved My Life

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This is not a pizza i made, but it's the C. Jane Rocket Pear pizza from SLAB and it is a glorious specimen. I have yet to attempt its flavors but it's up next. A bacon crusted crust is beyond measure, people.

You might be thinking that this post is entirely an ode to pizza and has nothing to do with my life, and I must say that you have some correct thinking, but I also must say that I am completely serious when I say pizza saved my life...well...I guess it saved my sanity which basically saved my life, because I honestly think without my sanity I'd probably be a nutcase vegetable and now I'm going to end this sentence, because yes, it's one sentence, one horribly long run-on sentence. And without further ado, here is how pizza saved my life.

Without getting too personal about my weaknesses and shortcomings, I am going to share a little story with you. It's not an entirely serious story, but it's a true one and it means a lot to me.

Back when I was first married, I was pretty much addicted to buying clothes. Like a straight up addiction. If I saw something on Pinterest that I liked, I would buy it. If I went to the mall to buy one lotion at BB&W I would have to justify buying $50 maybe even $100 worth of clothing at the Gap, H&M and Forever 21 combined. Let's not even get into online shopping. Seriously though, I've already shared too much.

Well as you can imagine, a shopping addiction doesn't live well with a newly-wed couple making just enough money to pay the rent, buy groceries and enjoy a meal out and a movie once in a while. I had horrible money management skills and let me tell you, it was very depressing.

I used clothes and the actual act of buying clothes as some sort of security blanket, or something I could control because I couldn't control my weight gain (yes, I could...but that's another story about sadness and struggle). I couldn't control my anxiety. I was basically letting the lives of others and the lives I saw on social media determine who I had to be.

This was very hard for Tyler. It was hard for him to tell me no, he is not an unkind person, in fact he is the kindest person I know. He hated saying no, but he knew he had to and I would be furious. I would be so angry, but something had to give. I had to find a way to kick this habit. And again without going into all those details, this is about pizza remember, I'm going to tell you how pizza changed it all.

You see, I didn't always like to cook, but when I eventually had to do it on my own, the god's that blessed my mother with her incredible cooking talent bestowed their bounteous blessing on me. I found that I loved to cook and I love to cook food that people can truly enjoy and love.

Pizza is my love language. It really is. The way to my heart is a deliciously salty and crispy/chewy crusted RPB or Thai Chicken pizza from SLAB. Those slices got me through boys, bad outfits and bad grades. Pizza however, costs money, and of course I was in no place to spend money. That was the whole healing process...I couldn't spend money and it was just something I had to learn. I had to learn how to budget, I had to learn to have self-control. How about that? Self-control, who knew? So Tyler told me to find something to take my mind off of the shopping, because truly it wasn't helping me feel better about myself. I only felt worse. I tried a capsule wardrobe (worked for a moment) but then miserably fizzled away into closet oblivion. I tried exercise (helped a little bit...but you know?). I tried a lot of stuff, but one thing that always kept my mind off of those things and helped me test myself was cooking.

And pizza was what I loved/LOVE to cook. Pizza is my love language, like I said. On days where I knew i'd be by myself for a while and i had to car to myself and I really wanted to go to the mall, I would force myself to make a pizza dough. Pizza dough is a true art, my friends. It's an art that demands perfecting. And when I would make that dough and see it knead and watch all of the ingredients come together I just felt whole. I felt like I had a worthwhile hobby. I felt fulfilled because I was working to give myself a treat, a piping hot cheesy, delicious bite of homemade pizza. From pepperoni it was three meat. From three meat it went to BBQ chicken. From BBQ chicken, THAI chicken, from Thai to the most perfect circle of bliss that is Rosemary Potato Bacon. Nothing made me happier than a perfectly thin crust with some puffies in there (cheese bubbles) and ingredients with the right bite and seasonings.

Pizza saved my life. And when I say it saved my life, it saved my wallet. I thank you Pizza for taking my mind off of mindless and superficial and absolutely material things.

The holiest of them all. The Rosemary Potato Bacon. It has my heart. It has my soul. It's the best one I make.

So how about a recipe? Yeah that's what I thought you'd want.

Now listen carefully, I have a testimony of this pizza so if you do anything to hurt the pizza or defile it I will be very upset and question our friendship.

Alright? Alright, here we go:

This recipe is adapted from TWO recipes, this one and this one. Big ups to my girls Mel and Sally! In heaven, when I finally meet them, I will bring them a masterpiece of pizza and thank them with tears streaming down my eyes. Ok ok, enough already here it is:

Now I use a KitchenAid to mix my dough, but you should know that I have also kneaded and mixed this dough with a wooden spoon and by hand sooooooo...there are no excuses. You can do it.

Another thing to be aware of, whole wheat flour works great for this recipe, you will just have a heavier dough and crust and you will be required to knead for like two minutes longer.

And one more thing: A PIZZA STONE IS ALMOST A MUST. I say almost, because I have used a cookie sheet and the pizza has been fine, but the stone just turns the pie into something special. 

For the delectable and perfect dough:

2 -1/4 tsp Active Dry Yeast (I use Red Star) follow the instructions here if you are using instant yeast. I am truly a snob and firmly believe in Active Dry Yeast. Amen and Amen. 

1-1/3 cup hot water. When I say hot...I mean steam from the sink hot. 

1/4 tsp sugar 

Mix the yeast, hot water, and 1/4 tsp of sugar in a bowl until the yeast is almost all the way dissolved and the water is frothy. You only need like 5 stirs with a whisk or dough hook.

Wait five minutes. You are letting the yeast proof. Yeast is alive you know and it needs some sugar for food and some hot water for a steamy awakening. Come back five minutes later and you should have a foamy mixture. You can even see the yeast foaming up. It's sciency and cool. Really though it should look like a thick foam on top of the water. If this doesn't happen after 10 minutes, you've probably killed your yeast. Try again with less hot water. If you are using instant, you don't have to worry, but again...testimony in active dry yeast.

Now on to the other ingredients: 

1 TBSP Sugar 
2 TBSP OLIVE oil 
3/4 tsp salt 
3-1/2 cups of flour (keep a cup of flour to the side, you'll need it)

Add the additional sugar, olive oil, salt and flour to the bowl and turn on that mixer slower or start stirring with you spoon. If you are doing this by hand, wait on using your hands...get the spoon dirty first until a dough starts to form.

Now you'll probably notice that the dough will keep sticking to the bowl...well you need to knead this baby for like 10 minutes, so get that extra flour ready and get ready to make the perfect dough.

You want a tough that is tacky to the touch with some bounceback...I know sounds weird, but I promise it's what you want. If you over flour the dough you'll get a tough lump of unstretchable dough. The perfect dough is warm to the touch and has some softness but doesn't stick to the touch. It has to be moldable. You'll know. Add extra flour until it doesn't stick to the side of the bowl or to your hands. I mean, some will stick but you don't want a goopy mess. Again, you'll know. Or just look at the online recipes for guidance. I'm not a food blogger, here.

Once you've got the dough of perfection, form it into a ball and place it back into the bowl, grab your olive oil bottle and slather the dough in at least 1/2 TBSP of olive oil. Olive oil adds flavor! Make sure the bottom of the bowl is coated and that the dough is coated. Then, put yo plastic wrap on it and turn on some netlflix, because that dough needs to rise for at least 1 hour. I go for about 1-2 hours. Again, testimony of rising dough.

After two hours or so or when the dough has DOUBLED in size, punch the dough down and form it into a beautiful found or rectangular or triangular or whatever shapular crust you want.

OH WAIT: you need guidance on how to form a pizza, here you go: 

You'll need: 

PARCHMENT PAPER 
A scorching oven set to 475. 
A Pizza stone preheating in that scorching oven or if you're not afraid of your mother's wrath...you can even preheat your cookie sheet or if you aren't mad at puffier crust, just keep the cookie sheet out of the oven. I highly recommend the preheated pizza stone way though because the dough will cook in minutes. 

Okay, now form you pizza on the parchment paper and add your favorite toppings I recommend: 

Thinly sliced potatoes fried up in olive oil with dustings of rosemary and hot pepper flakes and garlie
Olive oil drizzle with rosemary and hot pepper flakes
The perfect bbq sauce 2 parts Sweet Baby Ray's and 1 part hidden valley ranch 
Crushed pineapple 
leftover crockpot chicken smothered in bbq 
thinly sliced red onion
plenty of cilantro
crispy bacon 
feta cheese
ricotta cheese
spicy italian sausage
sweet pork...

THE OPTIONS ARE ENDLESS. Choose your toppings and just go with it.

Just remember the thinner your crust the more possibilities of sogginess, but I've never had that problem. Just roll it out and shape it until you get your crust preferences.

Once that stone is preheated CAREFULLY take it out of the oven and find someone who can help you transfer the pizza to the stone, parchment and all (it won't set fire in the oven). I've learned how to do this by myself, but it took a lot of practice and a 475 degree stone burn on my hand. You will already hear the pizza starting to sizzle. Pop that baby into the oven and let the 'za cook for 5-7 minutes or until the cheese (moz) is perfectly melted and that crust is the perfect golden brown. It's the only way. You need some good puffy cheese bubbles in there too.

If you are cooking this the cookie sheet way, you'll need 10-12 minutes or until the above criteria are met. Your crust will rise a bit more, but it will be just as tasty. We don't discriminate on crusts.

Now slice that pizza and blow on it a little bit so you don't burn your mouth, because that's the worst and ENJOY.

ENJOY IT and become a little better each day.

Thank you pizza for teaching me about self-control. Thank you pizza for filling my days with a challenge. I learned how to make a good ball of dough. I mastered my pizza flavors and I have been three months sober from shopping. I feel so good. I now have a testimony of budgets and pizza, people it feels great.

And thank you to you for liking my pizza photos on instagram and letting me share something so personal and not judging me for it.

I would love to see the pizza's you make, maybe we could start a hashtag, or you could just tag me. Also, feel free to ask me questions if this post didn't explain it enough (because I know I probably missed something).

Anyway, until then, happy trails and happy pizza creating!

My most recent and most favorite creation. A BBQ chicken pizza using crockpot bbq wings, crushed pineapple, thick sliced bacon cooked to a crisp, red onion and my best ball of dough yet.

P.S. I feel like I should say that I have made leaps and bounds with my money management decisions, because I have. And i'm not just saying it to make you believe in me or think anything different about me, I'm saying it because I am proof that a good hobby and worthwhile habit can truly help you change your life. Even if it's something as simple as food...it can help you become a better person. Granted, pizza didn't do everything and i'm not perfect. I had family and a wonderful husband and good friends and lots of prayers and a lot of cold sweats to help me out so yeah take the time to learn something new. It's so worth it. I've saved money in the long run and it's so worth it. That's all.

Observed // I am not

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I expect a lot out of myself. The majority of pressure I feel in life comes directly from me. I want to be a lot of things and i feel like i need to be other things. I'm not going to discount the fact that the culture I live in expects a lot of things. You have to be the most active. The most outgoing. The most fashionable. The most everything.

Well I'm not a lot of things. In fact, I fall short in a lot of stuff, but as I continue my journey of self-love and self-discovery I've found gold in the things I am not. I have found who I am.

1. I do not have the most clothes in my closet, in fact; I don't even have the latest styles found at good old University Mall. I haven't been shopping for a couple of months. I am not up-to-date with the latest fashions, but here's what I am...

I am learning more and more about my personal style and I'm developing an eye for quality over quantity.

2. I am not the skinniest but here's what I am. I am a girl LEARNING every day to love her body. I am a girl learning to embrace all bodies. I am a girl learning to treat her body with honor and with kindness.

3. I am not the prettiest. Sometimes, I think my chin is really big. Sometimes, I think my face is too round. But here's what I am. I am a person who can smile. I am a person who can feel the warmth of the sun on her face.  I am a girl with a face that is the beautiful genetic makeup of two of the most incredible and important people in her life.

4. I am not the smartest. I do not have a 4.0 anymore. I am not the top of my class and I don't know everything. But here's what I am. I am a person who tries and works hard for what she wants. I am a girl that doesn't throw up every morning anymore because she is so terrified of anything lower than an A. I am a girl who is learning so many valuable things each day. I am a girl who gets to go to college. Have you ever stopped to thinking of just how fortunate you are to go to college?

5. I am not perfect. And I never will be. I am not the perfect wife. I am not the perfect daughter. I am not the perfect member of the church (HAH). I am not the perfect friend and I am not the perfect student. But this is who I am and I am embracing these perfect imperfections, because they make up who I am. They make up my soul. They make up the very core of my being.

I am me, and as cheesy as this sounds...there is no one I would rather be.

Terrific Tuesday // On Being Okay With Where You Are

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Unlike all of my friends, I didn't graduate in April.

And like one of my friends, Talor, I felt really depressed about it.

And for a long time I fought with myself and I talk myself down and I blamed myself and I felt like a failure. And I wondered what I did wrong.

Yeah, kind of dramatic, right? Well, sort of. Well, yeah.

Sometimes in life you are on this path and it feels right because you're on that path with everyone else and you've got your pals and you're progressing and you get to tell your mom that you're progressing. It feels pretty darn great.

But then the path just gets crazy. There are rocks and there are trees and pretty flowers along the way and there are potholes. And you get distracted by those flowers and those lovely trees with the sun hitting their leaves just right. And then sometimes you MAD trip into one of the potholes and people keep moving. They don't keep moving because they are heartless or they don't care about you...they move on because they have destinations and they didn't hit those exact potholes you did. They also might be distracted my other flowers along the way or have their sight on other trees, and that's really okay.

Don't be mad at those people. They have destinations, and that's really okay. They wish they could help you out of those potholes and they try or they try to tell you to move on from that certain tree or they rejoice with you about those flowers, but they have to keep going on their path.

Their path is a good one. So is yours. The worthwhile people in your life are the ones that help you along your path and even if they make it to their destination before you make it to yours...they still cheer you on and they make your destination brighter.

The people that are worth diverging from (you know you let them go their own way) are the ones that keep lecturing you about what you do. They are the ones that keep asking you why you have to look at those flowers or why you couldn't possibly get out of that pothole. They are the ones that think their destination is better or brighter and they try to rush you through for some reason. So let them go their own way and say "Hey I'm smelling the roses and even though some of my friends are smelling other roses farther down the path, I'm okay with where I am."

Be okay with where you are, unless you're in a really bad place, if you're in a bad place i hope and pray you find the help you need. I hope you surround yourself with the people that matter with the people that can help you. Be okay if you are in a place where you are learning and becoming better and doing things at the best pace that you can. Slow and steady isn't bad. Fast is good sometimes. Learning and growing is the best.

Treat yourself the best way you can. Treat yourself. Eat an ice cream. Watch your favorite TV show. Take a walk. Go swimming. Buy flowers for yourself. Bake your favorite cookie. Eat a yummy salad with that dressing. Sleep in. Meditate with the sun rays beaming on you. Breathe in deeply and be okay with where you are, because it's a beautiful place to be with the flowers and the trees and even those potholes.

p.s. I realize I completely digressed from my experience not graduating, but you know what I meant. Sooooo yeah.

Saturday Stuff // Things you must know...

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Well, these things aren't a MUST on your "things you should know list," but hey just thought I would enlighten you.

1 // I got a job! I'm officially an Anthropologie employee. I needed a job. I have always wanted a job in fashion/retail. During the interview I felt like it was a good fit for me, and it's going to be a learning experience, but it's a beautiful and creative environment and this store is BEYOND dreamy. Plus, I'm a huge sucker for Anthropologie. You all knew that. AND that's all I'm going to say about that. If you have questions, send me a text. We can talk about this.

2 // Oh and I forgot to mention that I can't get you a discount. Sorry.

3 //  I have this cold that will never go away. I swear it won't. It set up camp and is here to stay. It even brought marshmallows for a good roasting.

4 //  If you are looking for a great sale, check out Old Navy's Memorial day sale (I know, I know, shopping is not what memorial day is all about) but seriously, this sale is rad!

5 // Much to my dismay, California has been dreary and overcast (they call it June gloom) for the past three days. Talk about a kill joy. I got a swimsuit, can I please get some sun now? #firstworldproblems #iknow

6 // To narrow down my closet even more, I started a "What do I Wear" journal and I love it. Yes, it took some time and it's an extra step to my daily routine, but it's helping me with the whole quality over quantity thing. There are different ways of doing this, but...

Here's what I do:

1. Get a journal and pen (how easy is that) HOLLA AT MY BAREFOOT CONTESSA.

2. Get dressed.

3. Make sure your journal/paper/notebook/slashwhatever is nearby. Oh and that pen, don't forget the pen.

4. Write down what you're wearing on a list.

5. Repeat, and when you repeat an item or an outfit (ahem...my distressed J.Crew jeans that I got for $24) put a star or check mark or tally or whatever indicating that you have repeated this item. I actually just started making a master list of my closet and I make a checkmark on that list.

This probably sounds lame and tedious, but I did this with meal planning and it really helped me see what dishes I truly enjoy making and eating. At the end of the summer, I am going to make sure to donate the items I've never worn more than once (ahem that linen J.Crew shirt that you had to have because it was only $14) (Except now i'm going to go wear it because...)

7 // If I can hear you chewing your gum..I really don't like you.

8 // That's all for today.

New Mercies

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I'm really bad at forgiving myself. And for a long time I have not been able to forgive myself. I haven't been able to forgive myself for getting this way (gaining 30 pounds). I haven't been able to forgive myself for not working out every day, for eating that food, for saying that thing, and the list goes on and on and on.

And while I haven't been able to forgive myself, I've trapped myself. I've put myself in this little cage of self-loathing and self-pity and self-pride and self-everything that's not good for you.

So every time I made a "goal" to get better, a "goal" to lose 30 pounds, a goal to work out rigorously every day, this toxic cage would just fuel these goals and so I would give up. Truly they were all unrealistic. Truly they kept me from listening to my own body. These goals only added to this toxicity surrounding my life. All of this, because I couldn't forgive myself. All of this because I couldn't let go and listen to my body and love myself.

Time and time again I have seen the quote on pinterest that we are our own worst critics, and it's completely true. We definitely are. I didn't realize how I was trapping myself inside that nasty little cage. I was becoming one of those mean girls. Mean to herself and projecting her mean-ness to others. I wasn't letting the pure, clean and sweet feeling of forgiveness and love and freedom envelope me because I was afraid. I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of not seeing any progress. I'm afraid of going back to that spiraling lifestyle of "it's my body I can do what I want to."

Sure it is your body, but remember that your body needs nurturing. It needs to be taken care of! This doesn't mean you have to be the skinniest or the perfectly curviests or the one with the most muscles, but you have to be kind to it.

Being kind to your body will be the most freeing thing you do in your life. I've done it once. I was struggling with a living situation I was in. I needed to get out and taste some fresh air. So I ran every day or I went to the gym and lifted weights. It was the happiest I ever felt. I was drinking a lot of water. I was eating good food too, it wasn't even the healthiest food but it was good. I felt balanced, but I let the negativity of life (and insecurities I believed about myself) and my situation overcome me and I spiraled. I found that cage and thought I found refuge, but I didn't.

I've only been here for a day, in California I mean, but I already feel myself going on this little journey. A little journey of self-discovery and reflection. These journeys are really hard sometimes, but they are completely necessary for our growth and progression in this mortal existence.

My Abby (mother-in-law) and I were talking about prioritizing our lives yesterday. She told me that she wanted to prioritize reading her scriptures. Her bishop at church told her that the most important things come before others. Simple, right? Yeah, except think about all the times that you put the not-so-important things in front of other things because it was more convenient? So her bishop offered a challnege to the congregation.

In your mind, think of all the things you do in your daily routine. Now think of the things that you are omitting that are actually really important. Now, say the following...

"I have a lot of things to do in a day, but before I do *blank* I will do *blank*. For Abby it was before I get out of bed, I will read my scriptures.

For me it's a little different and I'm still figuring it out, but I thought that was a good way to look at life. It's all about listening to your body and listening to your lifestyle. You know you better than anyone else. This prioritizing might be for a personal study habit or a personal workout routine or for anything else for that matter, but just know it's for you. (I'm saying this mostly for me, haha.)

So that's what I'm going to do. Prioritize.

Now just one more thing...forgiving yourself. You have to let yourself do it. Even if you mess up your  priorities. Even if you are trying to mend a broken relationship, a broken dream, a lost joy, a lost motivation. You have to forgive yourself because it will set you free. Now i know I just said that, but you need to realize this one more thing...

Every day you have a new mercy. You don't only get a new mercy in January when you make those resolutions. You don't only get new mercies at church or at the beginning of a new job or only when something great happens or only when times are tough. You get a new mercy every single day. The moment you wake up a new mercy begins. No matter what your life is like you get one.

As I've battled my problems with eating and distorted body image, one of the best things I could do for myself was forgive myself EVERY day.

I watched a video by one of my favorite fitness gurus and she said to be healthy in every aspect of your life you have to forgive yourself every day. Not just on Tuesdays or Fridays or "cheat days" (I hate that phrase, btw), but EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Every day is a new opportunity. Every day you get new lovely little mercies to help you keep going. Those mercies are telling you, "You can do it. You're doing great. Look at you, you beautiful and awesome you! You're doing great. I'm proud of you."

Believe in your new grace every single morning, you guys. Believe in it with all of your guts and grit, because it's totally and completely real. You don't have to be trapped in that cage of blame and sadness and guilt. This guru also said that we need to stop trapping ourselves in the "I can't do this, I can't eat that, I need to work out."

YOU DON'T NEED TO DO ANYTHING BUT LOVE YOURSELF! When you love yourself, you ultimately want to do good for yourself. You want to take care of yourself. I didn't learn that all on my own. I have a lot of people who help me along the way. You have me! I have you. We can do this together.

Be free and believe in new mercies.

Observed // Me 4 (???)

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Just yesterday, I was at the mall celebrating the completion of my accounting final. Tyler had to be on campus for another three hours, and the Gap was having a grand reopening so naturally, I went and ate cookies and popcorn and avoided people that kept asking me if I needed anything.

"No, I'm just looking and yes...I've been here for three hours, I know."

I bought one thing. I'm really bad at this capsule thing, but don't worry I'm trying and I'm setting new goals. Anyway. While I was looking around just perusing the new arrivals and fast fashion things that would dissolve in your wash, I was also thinking about life and stuff and feelings and how the world spins madly on without you and you just need to catch up or slow down or do whatever makes you feel the best. And I was really thinking about my tendency to avoid all people.

We all do this, we all avoid common places because of the people we might just see.

Whilst in H&M looking at this incredibly beautiful but extremely poorly made necklace (it was already rusting) Poor form, H&M. I saw a few people that I know. One of them was in the checkout line, I felt like calling out to her saying, "Hey Sarah!" but she was totally in the zone. That zone where you've been waiting in the H&M line for over an hour, I exaggerate, and you are just ready to get your adorable striped blouse and go, because H&M is all about the striped blouse and that rusty necklace was just a bad egg out of all the really good ones. The zone that I created for her to justify NOT saying hi to her.

And maybe this is too existential, but I felt a little lonely not calling out to her. I felt a little lost. Why didn't I do it? Why do I separate myself from people that I genuinely like? Why don't I call out more? Why do I go it alone so much?

I saw someone else. A high school friend, Cara. I thought she was a worker at first, but she called out to me.

"Dani!"

"Oh hi, Cara!"

That was a little tender mercy to me. I was so absorbed in clothes and in my own self-reflection and sort of self-pity and anxiety that her calling out to me really meant something.

She had a bunch of boys shirts because she's going to the BYU Jerusalem Center and I felt really happy for her. Really excited, because I've heard great things. And I felt bad for ever thinking bad things about myself.

I often regret how I didn't do study-broads or how i didn't kiss more boys or how I didn't make more friends or how I didn't do that thing at that time with that person or with that opportunity.

But I listened to her talk about how she needs flowy tops and I looked at all of her choices and i thought she looked adorable and then I thanked her inside my head for talking to me, because sometimes you need people to remind you about what you have. You need people to remind you that being open and being happy with your life is okay.

You need people to remind you that it's okay to talk to someone you haven't talked to in a long time.

It's okay to call out. You don't have to shrink away because you don't want to be judged or you don't want to be asked that question or you don't want to feel regret about something that happened so long ago or you don't want to be reminded of what you don't have.

You need people to remind you about what you do have. 

And I know this sounds so incredibly silly, shopping at the mall, thinking about life, but it wasn't silly to me. It was something I needed. I needed to be more willing to be warm and open.

Closed and cold is what i've been doing lately, and I don't want to do it anymore.

Good vibes, only. Because good vibes will follow you. Don't wallow in your stress. Face it head on. Be of good cheer as they say it, because people want you. People think you're great and you should start thinking the same about other people.

Monday Musings // Meet My Specs and Why It's Okay to Take Selfies

Happy Easter! God is good and God is real and Jesus is my brother, people. I just wanted you to know that I know that. I have a very personal relationship with my Higher Beings. I have a personal relationship with the church I belong to. This past weekend was what we call "Conference Weekend" in the LDS faith. It's pretty cool. A lot of people get really, outwardly passionate about it, and that's totally cool. I'm a little bit more reserved. Not that I don't want to "Share Goodness", not that I don't want to "Defend My Faith"...I do, oh I do, but sometimes somethings just have to stay close to your heart.

My sister said something really wise this weekend, I asked her how she was doing with the church and all and she said, "You know what, Dani, some people have problems with the church, I could have problems with the church, but I don't. I choose to keep believing and I choose to believe what I believe not what anyone else believes."

She was right, my family could choose to be angry at people that have hurt us and things that are hard, but we choose to believe and we choose to be happy, because that's what God wants.

He is patient and he waits and he loves.

And that's all I'm going to share today.

Now meet my specs...

Meet my new face friends, these are the Warby Parker Kimball glasses in Marzipan Tortoise and let me tell you something...

I was at work the other day just doing what I do and a girl comes up to me IN FRONT OF LIKE 12 OTHER PEOPLE and asks me the following question.

"Do you like your new glasses?"

Well, yeah I do. (I said this in my head.) What kind of question is that?"

"Um...yes, yes I do. I wouldn't have picked them if I didn't like them, why?"

And she gets this squirmish look on her face, like those looks that are reserved for the mean girls in high school that think they are so much cooler than you because they wear clothes from "Buckle."

"Oh well, they're just really distracting. I mean, I can't look at your face."

And my heart dropped because as much as I was confident about my choice of glasses for MY face, because MY eyes need them...her words bit through me. Her words are the words that girls in this world are always hearing. They are words of theft. That girl was a thief. She was stealing all my confidence. She was stealing the one thing that took me forever to feel okay about. I've been wearing glasses my whole life. They are kind of the thing that defines me. They are a fashion accessory that I get to wear everyday. And yes, my new glasses are very different from my old ones, but there was no question as to which ones I was going to buy when I tried the Kimball's on. I told Tyler that I didn't care if people thought they were crazy, MY eyes, MY face, MY glasses, MY choice. But that girl had to say something.

I'm over it now, but I just want to say this to EVERYONE reading this...

DON'T BE A THIEF!

Don't steal confidence away from people by saying petty things. Don't say anything that in the slightest could chip away at someone. Genuinely compliment someone. Genuinely mean something good. If you don't like something because that something makes someone happy, keep your mouth shut. Please and thank you, God bless.

In other news, I like my new glasses. No, I LOVE my new glasses.

And now why it's okay to take selfies and pictures of your food.

Society tells you that selfies are stupid and that no one cares about what your food looks like. Sure, that may be true, but I agree to disagree with society most of the time.

I like selfies. As Ezra Koenig once said, Selfies are cool because you get to see what your friend looks like that day.

Be proud of your face! Not that conceited proud, but that hey I like my look today and I'm proud of myself today. This is me. There may be a filter and there may not be, but it's not your place to say that or not.

And your food, if you had this delicious food and you want someone to see. SHOW THEM! SHOW THEM! I love it when people show me good food because then I know where I can go to get it. Share, because FOOD IS GOOD!

I don't like wearing my hair back because I always believed that I had a fat face or that my chin was too big, but I took this on snapchat the other day and my hair was back and I really liked this picture.I looked at myself and I liked what I saw. Is that so bad? I'm not trying to say that my face is better than other faces, I'm just saying that I liked the way I look. I rarely do that! And...I'm probably rambling on about this, but I'm not ashamed to share this. People can think all they want, but remember that caring? Yeah throw it away. Also, RIP old glasses.

And here is the food that I was eating when I took that selfie.

It's from In-N-Out, thank you very much. Get in my belly. Aren't you always craving this shiz? Yeah. Me too.

Here's a half-eaten piece of pizza that kind of changed my life. It's from Pizzeria 7/12. Go, go, go.

And then this. Stay happy and laugh a lot.

That's what life is all about. Stay happy. If you're having a sad day...that's okay. Cry and have a sad day and then try to be happy again and try to laugh again. Laughing is good. It's really good because chins double and eyes crinkle and teeth show and it's beautiful.

Now what was the point of this post?

Hmm...that's for you to decide.

Monday Musings // 13 Things

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HEY! Thanks for keeping me going friends! Thanks for reading! Thanks for actually caring about 13 things I'm currently "musing" about. Hi-YAH!

Lez do dis. 

1 // WHY on EARTH do girls post the following: 

"My dad is better than yours." 

"My hubby is better than yours." 

"My baby is cuter than yours." 

"My family is cooler than yours." 

Why do they do that? Why is that necessary? Why can't they post things like: 

"Hey I know you have a best dad, but I have one too! He's the best for me, just like your dad is the best for you! Some people don't have dads, boy I'm so grateful I have a dad. You can share my dad if you want, if you don't have one or if your dad isn't that great, because sometimes that shiz happens." 

OR

"Hey my baby is really adorable, and I love them...I know that some people can't have babies and it's really hard for them. I'm so sorry that someone has to go through that, you can definitely hold my baby, you can share my baby, my baby is your baby, that really blows,  let's cry about it together, or your baby is the cutest darn thing in the whole entire world. I love your baby!" 

OR

"I am really grateful for my husband today. He's a great guy. The end." 

I just feel like the world would be a better place if we didn't go around flaunting all the "cooler than yours" things, ya know? 

2 // Why is Gap selling the cutest and the ugliest t-shirts right now? Heck, I would buy one of those ugly t-shirts. Let's get real. 

3 // Don't mistake someone's feelings of self-love for them feeling complacent about their health. I am all about loving yourself and loving your body. I'm bad it a lot of the time, but I love it. I couldn't support it or preach it more, but sometimes I feel like people think I'm saying I don't have to work out or that being unhealthy is okay. I'm not saying that at all. You need to take care of yourself. You need to go on a walk. YOU NEED TO SLEEP! YOU NEED TO DRINK A WHOLE BUCKET OF WATER! You need to stop eating 5lbs of ice cream a day, that's really irresponsible, or you need to start eating! Guys, that's real. People destroy their bodies because they don't like themselves and we need to start taking care of our bodies because we LOVE our bodies! Taking care of your body can even be saying that you like parts of it when you look in the mirror. Do what makes you feel happy. You *clap* do *clap* you *clap*. 

4 // Tyler and I MIGHT moving to a condo this Fall and so I've been thinking about how we're going to decorate, because we're going to be there for the rest of the time we are in Provo. This room really got me so inspired. I love the grey walls and the bed spread! Dreamiest!

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5 // I am obsessed with Hozier and Nick Jonas right now. Judge me all you want! I'll never surrender! Hozier's voice makes me weak at the knees. #SorryNotSorry

6 // A lot of people are going to complain about things that you like. That's just life. Today though, I saw Madewell post this picture in an instagram.

//

I was personally going ham and cheese over the styling. Some ladies over 25 did not feel the same. One lady even commented: "Uh, Kurt Cobain for Madewell, if I wanted this outfit I would go to Good Will and get that ratty t-shirt for 50 cents." 

First of all lady, great, you have an opinion. I am so proud that you want to voice it. 

Second of all, Kurt Cobain for Madewell would be a kick-a collaboration, too bad he died way before his time. 

Third of all, I freaking love a good deal, Goodwill? Count me in. Don't make fun. Go there and get your t-shirt. 

Fourth of all, ratty t-shirt, yeah it could be, but Madewell has good quality clothes. They really do and if someone actually had that ratty t-shirt I would hope that you'd be nice enough not to say that to someone's face and keep it to yourself. 

Fifth of all, her hair is practically amazing. Disheveled is in. You being rude...is OUT. AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE SHORTS. THE SHORTS, LADY! 

Sixth of all, I got WAY too passionate about that. I'm sure that lady is the nicest. 

7 // I realize that I never finished my runway recaps. I still have stuff to do. I'm going to finish them even if it's been like a month since fashion week. Better late than neverrrrr. 

8 // Good food and good people, that's all you need in life. 

9 // Sometimes, you just have to let go of all that "caring" you have bottled up inside of you. Not the kind of sympathy and empathy caring, I mean the "I care too much about what people think of me" caring. The toxic caring that eats at your soul. Just get rid of it. Say, be gone, caring! I'm through with you. 

10 // The other day whilst almost crying over a stupid assignment (the toxic kind of caring, you know) this song played and my heart melted. It made me cry good tears. Where are you now, Dani? Where are you going? What do you care about? SPEAKING OF MUMFORD & SONS, Believe ain't my favorite, but I am a loyal mumford gal, so we'll see. Nothing beats, Babel, I think. 

11 // We all have storms. Don't discount your storm even if someone has a bigger storm than you. Learn from your storm. 

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12 // These linen-blend dresses are SO cute. So summery. I love stripes and linens. 

13 // I call this my "me in a dream" self: 

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Playlist Thursday // New Glasses

So I tried #WarbyParkerHomeTryOn is that the hashtag? I have no idea! And I already knew which ones I wanted, but I did the try on anyway just to get a feel of Warby Parker, and a feel I did get and love I did find. 

These are my new glasses. Name coming soon. Style coming soon. Premiere of these glasses coming soon. They are my favorite things ever. Although they are not totally black,and although I've never seen her in tortoise glasses, I feel like Jenna Lyons. 

Right when I tried them on Ty said, "Oh, I like those! I'll have to get used to them, but I like those a lot." That's the thing about glasses, you get so used to them being on your face every day that it's like getting a whole new set of eyes. It's like welcoming a new friend to the party. It's like introducing that cooler more stylish friend to all your mediocre friends (my face ;) ;) ;)) it's like a fresh coat of paint and style. 

You may think they're over the top I think they are the greatest thing to ever happen to my face. 

Ok....one more thing though. I don't know if I can actually get them, because I don't know if Warby Parker will take my prescription. I have pretty terrible eye balls. Really great eye balls because I can still see, but they are progressively getting more blurry as the years go on, so cross your fingers and pray for me, because I need new specs, stats. The ones i have are falling apart. So pray! #PrayForDanisEyesSoTheyCanHaveNewGlassesFromWarbyParker. Spread that around, okay?

So if the stars align, a glasses unveiling will come up in a couple of weeks or like a month, but for now, here's a playlist. 

P.S. Sorry about not having links, blogger hates me tonight. Why, Blogger!? After all we've been through. You grotsky little....

1 // Sedated by Hozier 

2 // Work Song by Hozier 

3 // Take Me To Church (Hozier cover) by Ellie Goulding 

4 // Roslyn by Bon Iver feat. St. Vincent

5 // Adore You by Miley Cyrus

6 // Ten Cent Pistol by The Black Keys

7 // Ya Hey by Vampire Weekend 

Terrific Tuesday // 3 Things You Should Stop Thinking

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And three things you should start thinking.

And how this is mostly written for me and slightly exaggerated.

1 // "Oh man, she has so many followers and she writes so well and she has the coolest clothes and prettiest instagram pictures. She has so many likes, so much more than I do. She must be better than me in every single way. I'm pretty much worthless and my social media life is crap."

What you should start thinking...

"Hey I'm glad I have such beautiful friends and I'm really glad that there is more to life than social media and likes and followers. Not that she's living her life behind a screen, but I'm glad that I'm not doing that. I'm glad I can take pictures and buy clothes and share my life with others, but I'm also glad that I have worth beyond that. One day those pictures will fade and the clothes won't fit and the likes won't matter like you thought they would.

2 // "If I eat this I will bloat like a balloon and turn into a fat lard."

What you should start thinking...

"You know what? Maybe there is a different alternative to this snack, a healthier option. If there isn't make sure not to gorge yourself and to go on a walk because you know how those things make your body feel. Just be good to yourself and don't deprive because you deserve good food and a full belly."

3 // "I wish I was in a different place in my life. I wish I was done with school. I wish I didn't have these hard things to deal with. I wish money grew on trees. I wish I didn't have to do anything. I wish I could stay in bed all day. I wish things were different. I wish more than anything." (I wish to go to the festival.)

What you should start thinking...

"I am grateful for the phase in life I'm in. Tina Fey said in her book that every girl goes through phases. Fat phases, skinny phases, happy phases, sad phases, mad phases, sappy phases, crazy phases, lazy phases, red fish, blue fish, one fish, two fish. This phase is leading me to something bigger and better and different so I better live it now. I am grateful for school. I get to learn! I get to expand my mind. I'm grateful for the hard things. They are the worst, but God is not punishing me. This is just mortal life. I am grateful for my job and the money that I do have in my bank account, may I be a good steward. I am grateful for the things I get to do and that I get to be productive and stay busy. I am grateful for the hours of sleep I do get, because there are some people that can't even get out of bed and all they want to do is step outside and feel the sunshine and fresh air. Different is good but routine is a part of life so I'll get with the routine and welcome change when it comes at its own will."

Anything you need to stop saying to yourself? Any words of motivation that get you through the day? Share, please! Let's motivate each other!

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Monday Musing // Warmth

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It's raining outside today. Rainy days are meant for cozy beds and warm drinks with frothy sweetness. It's not the kind of rainy day where you can go outside and dance in it with just a t-shirt and shorts. It's the rainy day that chills your bones and gets you down to your toes. It should be against the rules to go out on a day like this to face the chunks of dirty icy snow and cold drips of water. Stay inside, I say. Stay inside in the fuzziest blanket. Stay inside and eat a heaping bowl of soup. Aw those are the days. Fresh baked bread and a candle that smells like spicy woods.

But when you can't stay inside, when you have to go outside, go outside and spread warmth. Don't make excuses, just do it. Spread all the warmth you can. Be the person that warms others up like the blanket, the candle, the soup, the sweet froth. Be that person.

I try to keep a record of those people in my life. Once I wrote about a man with silvery hair climbing up a hill. I wrote about a boy who opened a door for me. I wrote about a love I once felt. I write about the love I feel now. I write about how I want to pay it forward. Now I must.

Today I write about one of my dearest friends who warmed me today. She sent me an email and it enveloped my heart into a homey little hug. People don't know how their words and thoughtfulness can make an impact. Simple things can make the most beautiful and love-growing things happen. Thank you, Talor. Thank you for being my blanket, soup, and fresh baked bread. This was a quote from the email written by Hannah Brencher. You can replace "Hannah B." for your own name.

"Hannah B— you deserve really good things. You deserve all the things you’re afraid to ask for. Long nights full of good conversation. A chance to start over. Sundays where you don’t work. A great love of your life. Don’t be afraid to ask for it. Don’t be afraid if these things come your way. You’ve been afraid to say “yes” for a really long time. Maybe it’s time, Hannah B. Maybe it’s time to say yes"

And then after reading this...I looked out the window to the cold I had to face and I saw all the people I wanted to make warm. And I saw the misty mountains and the soaked trees with the reaching branches. And I saw the wet pavement and I thought of the feet that cross it every day and I thought of all the people again, and then this song came on my spotify, and it was like a movie moment. 

"May the wind be always at your back, and the sun shine warm upon your face. May the rains fall soft upon your fields until the day we meet again. And the roof that hangs over your head find you shelter from the storm. Before the devil knows you're dead, may it be in heaven my friend. May good love find you at your worst and bad love lose you at  your best. May the days be rich and full of wealth, and the nights be long when you need rest." --Delta Spirit, Devil Knows You're Dead

So I'm going to spread my warmth. May the wind be always at your back my friends, and may the sun always shine warm upon your face, because you deserve it.

+ s t a y // g o l d

Monday Musing // The Things of 2014 Past

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Oh I didn't really feel like writing this blog post, but sometimes when I'm at the end of a very productive and tiring day, I feel the deepest need to express the words swirling in my mind trying to connect into much too lengthy and grammatically incorrect sentences.

2014 was an interesting year.

Quite the most interesting of my life, perhaps. So far.

Good things happened in 2014 and bad things happened too.

And so did things that helped me grow an inch or two. Literally, figuratively, whatevertively.

I celebrated a year of marriage to the coolest cat in 2014.

I took care of him at his weakest and I celebrated with him at his strongest.

I built a professional portfolio of written works.

I made new friends.

I let go of lost love.

I accepted my body more.

I accepted health and fitness more.

I met people who taught me light and goodness.

I excelled in things I wanted to excel in.

I found my voice.

I discovered my personal style. I refined it.

I found more and more of myself.

And I changed the parts that needed to change.

I let go of things that hurt me.

I fought with some that wouldn't budge.

And I discovered the most perfect little things that I like about my soul.

Some things I didn't like...

I gained pounds that eat away at me every day.

I cried a lot about silly things.

I looked at myself in the mirror a little too long and wept over scars, marks, and folds.

I contemplated calories and eating a little too much.

I ignored comments and words of affirmation.

I wept justified tears and I lashed out in anger at things not so justified and things of the past.

But despite those bad things, those demons that are still creeping up on me, I'm learning to be resilient.

I'm learning to fight back.

I'm learning to be a voice of courage and love and progress. Moving forward.

I learned about me this past year, and I plan to learn about myself even more.

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Terrific Tuesday // This is Tyler

This is Tyler. 

He is my very best friend. 

We've been best friends for a year and a few months now. 

He loves basketball, In-N-Out burger, video games, pretzels, the Lakers, fantasy football, volleyball, sour candy (kids, ropes, and rips preferred), books, Lord of the Rings, movies, Vampire weekend, writing and family. 

As for things he doesn't like, well there aren't very many things he doesn't like. 

He doesn't like it when I look at Instagram (or any social media for that matter. Social media is not his thing.) And he doesn't like shopping, but I can handle that. 

Oh and one more thing...he doesn't like it when people take gushy pictures. So no kissing pictures from us. 

Thankfully enough, he loves me. He probably should because we're married. 

We've been married for a year now. On December 28th to be exact. 

I'm really happy to be married to this guy for eternity. For anyone that doesn't know much about Mormons, we believe in marriage for ETERNITY. That's a really long time for some people. For me, that sounds just right. 

I want to be married to him for eternity. 

Don't you want your best friend for eternity? 

I sure do. 

I also sure did want to post pictures of my wedding on this blog post, but I can't find the CDs with all of our pictures on them. Please say a prayer in your heart that I find them or I'll be very upset about it. 

Please bless that I didn't throw them away in some weird clean-up fest. Amen.

Side note that's not really important: My computer crashed three, yes THREE times in 2014 without me having a substantial backup. So no Ty photos on this computer anymore. What you get is what you get. 

Anyway. So yeah. We're married. For over a year. A year and two days. So I thought maybe I would share a thing or two about Tyler that makes me love him so darn much. 

Or I don't know...maybe I'll just blubber about him. Either way, this post is about my best friend named Tyler who I'm married to for eternity. Because who wouldn't want that? 

First things first, everyone needs a Tyler. And pizza. Everyone needs a Tyler and a slice of pizza. That's the key to a beautiful and effervescently happy life, right there. 

Tyler's are kind, patient, and funny. They make you laugh at least five billion times a day. 

My Tyler does anyway. 

My Tyler will praise your cooking. Every single thing you make will be "RQ" or Restaurant Quality. After he's finished eating, he'll clean up all the dishes too. 

My Tyler needs to go on walk and talks. So you'll always be able to tell him your feelings and get exercise while you do it. 

He tells you you're beautiful every day and he so means it. 

My Tyler doesn't care that I have a particular interest towards grey sweaters. He supports that fetish. 

He will sing you songs and play games with you and most importantly eat treats with you. 

When he sings those songs he'll sing the songs wrong and then make excuses for it. 

Sometimes he'll get really close to your face and rest his forehead on yours and say, "I'm resting here. You're giving me strength." All while rubbing your really tired neck. 

He'll tell you when you finally get to bed and snuggle up in the covers that "This is my favorite time of day, the time where I get to be with you, in bed, all cozy, playing games on my phone and hearing you snore a little. I love this time of day the most because I get to watch you sleep so peacefully. 

Trust me not creepy. Totally dreamy. 

I could name a hundred things about my Tyler, but I'll just end with this.

My Tyler is a loving person. His love is as deep as the sea and as lovely as the sea breeze that makes the waves. He is cheerful in times of trouble. He does not raise his voice or get filled with anger. He teaches me so many things about love and life and God. He brings me closer to Him. He is a good person through and through. He is joyful and wonderful and perfect in every way...even when he is human. I love my Tyler and I wouldn't have him any other way.

So here's to eternity my sweet best friend. As cliche as that sounds. Here's to eternity. 

Never change. H.A.G.S. U.R. a QT. Kewl. Call me. (just kidding change when you need to, but make sure i'm on board with the change first) 

Glad we had this talk. 

NOW here's another picture. (double chins and all) 

WA-BLAM! 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Playlist Thursday: Figuring it out

p h o t o 

What am I figuring out? My life? Yes. This playlist? Perhaps. My feelings about the future and where I'm going? Always.

Today is the last day of school. It's my second to last fall semester. Next semester I will have my last Winter. And then my last Spring/Summer in California and then the last semester of college ever. I'm nervous. I'm unsure, but I have this little light of peace in my heart. Deep down in the pits of my soul. A feeling of joy and peace that always warms me up when I'm sitting in the shower over thinking things. This light keeps growing even when I'm still trying to figure things out.

The light gets brighter when every day little things happen. Things that I don't expect.

For example, yesterday was the last day of my News Reporting class and I got the awarded "Most Dependable Reporter" for the Life Desk. I almost cried. I couldn't believe it. I spent the whole semester beating down on myself, and here was someone telling me I was good. Better than good. That I was great. Great at something that I have always wanted to do. I want to write. And I want to write the way I want to write. But I learned how to work with editors and I learned how to take criticism and I learned the brutality of deadlines and news publications. I learned things that made me better. I'm one step closer. Now I have a professional portfolio and I'm just one step closer.

This feels really good. It just does. I remember being so afraid. Afraid of moving up and doing things that I'm passionate about. Being afraid can either hurt you or be a catalyst to your success. Some days I let my fear take over me, but this semester I learned to fight it and let it drive me.

I don't know if I'll ever be a successful lifestyle writer or a contributor or editor for some fancy publication that advertises minimalist clothing or Scandinavian furniture and terrariums. I don't know if I will change the way girls look at their bodies. I don't know if NYFW will ever ask me to do an interview or comment on a designers line of work. All of those things would be pretty darn great. Working for one of these beautiful websites on the internet would be a dream. Being a Man Repeller is also a dream and seeing my face on the cover of something would be another dream. I have lots of dreams, but I can make small differences here and I can be where I am right now. I can share goodness here. Dreams are good to dream, but don't forget where you are and where it's taking you. Didn't Dumbledore say something like:

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

And don't forget the people that have held you up along the way. That's one of the greatest meanings of life. The people. The ones that are helping you along the way.

And just to Christmas-fy this message...I would just like to say pass it along. Pass along the love and service and goodness. Lift where you stand. As cheesy as that sounds. Just do it. Don't forget to give back.

Because I have been given much, I too must give. 

And now for a playlist full of songs that invoke contemplation and daydreams of good books, trees, rainy days, and coffee shop bagels.

1 // Turning Page by Native Men (Sleeping at Last cover)

Karly Jade, I just want you to know that I love you and I am so grateful for your friendship and your really great taste for beautiful music. 

2 // She Treats Me Well by Ben Howard 

Tyler, I sometimes I replace the "she" with "he". Thanks for treating me well. 

3 // River by Cee-Lo Green (Joni Mitchell cover) 

Mom and Dad, this song makes me miss you so much I can't breathe, but I am grateful that you aren't far away. I know this Christmas I won't be with you and I'd like to get a river to skate away on, but I need to remember my new family and that you will always be my family. Sometimes I forget that. Merry Christmas you two. I love you. Thanks for all the other Christmases. I promise to be a the best daughter-in-law to the Abbotts. 

4 // Run to You by Pentatonix 

To my baby girl. Thanks for showing me this gem. You showed it to me at a time where I felt really hopeless about school work and finals and everything school related. 

5 // Higher Love by Steve Winwood

To everyone who has brought "higher love" to me and who will bring it in the future. 

Now let's jam. 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Observed // I can't do it alone

p h o t o 

Today, I broke down.

Today, I realized that I really can't do it alone. I just can't. As much as I think I'm invincible and I'm strong and I'm fearless and I'm super-woman. I'm not. And I'm not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to be angry or to cry, even though sometimes I feel that way, I'm saying these things because I feel like giving up and I can't because I also see where I'm going.

When your husband is recovering from an extensive reconstructive surgery, your life is 100% dedicated to his needs. But life also expects you to be 100% dedicated to school and work and callings and pinterest and blogs and instagram and everything in between.

That's just not possible. It's not possible for me. I can't do it.

As much as I pray that I can. I can't.

God has granted me with far more serenity for far other things. For things that matter most really.

But it's hard to see that.

It's hard to see that I can't do it all.

Listen, I have worked out in over a month. My body is feeling it.

I haven't cooked a solid meal in days. The time is slipping for me.

I might need to take Tyler to the doctor again because of reactions to medication and the pain being SO excruciating at times despite medication that Tyler almost passes out.

It's overwhelming and it's humiliating to my soul and it tears my heart out and I just can't do it.

I almost want to say that NO 21 year old girl should feel this way.

I shouldn't feel this pressure. Why does school want me to be perfect, why is this happening? Why is that happening?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I can't tell you why. I mean I could say something from a conference talk and I could think of my own philosophy but for right now I'm going to rely on comforting words from my mom and the small little smidgen of peace that is still left in my heart.

Because that's all the strength I have left.

That's all. And I need that strength to help Tyler get to bed and brush his teeth and go to the bathroom and eat. I need it. It's all I have left.