Playlist Thursday: Figuring it out

p h o t o 

What am I figuring out? My life? Yes. This playlist? Perhaps. My feelings about the future and where I'm going? Always.

Today is the last day of school. It's my second to last fall semester. Next semester I will have my last Winter. And then my last Spring/Summer in California and then the last semester of college ever. I'm nervous. I'm unsure, but I have this little light of peace in my heart. Deep down in the pits of my soul. A feeling of joy and peace that always warms me up when I'm sitting in the shower over thinking things. This light keeps growing even when I'm still trying to figure things out.

The light gets brighter when every day little things happen. Things that I don't expect.

For example, yesterday was the last day of my News Reporting class and I got the awarded "Most Dependable Reporter" for the Life Desk. I almost cried. I couldn't believe it. I spent the whole semester beating down on myself, and here was someone telling me I was good. Better than good. That I was great. Great at something that I have always wanted to do. I want to write. And I want to write the way I want to write. But I learned how to work with editors and I learned how to take criticism and I learned the brutality of deadlines and news publications. I learned things that made me better. I'm one step closer. Now I have a professional portfolio and I'm just one step closer.

This feels really good. It just does. I remember being so afraid. Afraid of moving up and doing things that I'm passionate about. Being afraid can either hurt you or be a catalyst to your success. Some days I let my fear take over me, but this semester I learned to fight it and let it drive me.

I don't know if I'll ever be a successful lifestyle writer or a contributor or editor for some fancy publication that advertises minimalist clothing or Scandinavian furniture and terrariums. I don't know if I will change the way girls look at their bodies. I don't know if NYFW will ever ask me to do an interview or comment on a designers line of work. All of those things would be pretty darn great. Working for one of these beautiful websites on the internet would be a dream. Being a Man Repeller is also a dream and seeing my face on the cover of something would be another dream. I have lots of dreams, but I can make small differences here and I can be where I am right now. I can share goodness here. Dreams are good to dream, but don't forget where you are and where it's taking you. Didn't Dumbledore say something like:

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

And don't forget the people that have held you up along the way. That's one of the greatest meanings of life. The people. The ones that are helping you along the way.

And just to Christmas-fy this message...I would just like to say pass it along. Pass along the love and service and goodness. Lift where you stand. As cheesy as that sounds. Just do it. Don't forget to give back.

Because I have been given much, I too must give. 

And now for a playlist full of songs that invoke contemplation and daydreams of good books, trees, rainy days, and coffee shop bagels.

1 // Turning Page by Native Men (Sleeping at Last cover)

Karly Jade, I just want you to know that I love you and I am so grateful for your friendship and your really great taste for beautiful music. 

2 // She Treats Me Well by Ben Howard 

Tyler, I sometimes I replace the "she" with "he". Thanks for treating me well. 

3 // River by Cee-Lo Green (Joni Mitchell cover) 

Mom and Dad, this song makes me miss you so much I can't breathe, but I am grateful that you aren't far away. I know this Christmas I won't be with you and I'd like to get a river to skate away on, but I need to remember my new family and that you will always be my family. Sometimes I forget that. Merry Christmas you two. I love you. Thanks for all the other Christmases. I promise to be a the best daughter-in-law to the Abbotts. 

4 // Run to You by Pentatonix 

To my baby girl. Thanks for showing me this gem. You showed it to me at a time where I felt really hopeless about school work and finals and everything school related. 

5 // Higher Love by Steve Winwood

To everyone who has brought "higher love" to me and who will bring it in the future. 

Now let's jam. 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Say goodbye to things that hurt you.

Say goodbye to things that hurt you.

Say hello to the good that can stay.

Say no to the voices in your head that tell you you're not good enough.

Say yes to the voices that say you are.

Throw away chaos that hurts your soul.

Keep the peace that speaks to your heart.

Throw away possessions that are wearing you down.

Gather new treasures and hide them in your heart.

Stop looking in the mirror in shame and disgust.

Start wearing the clothes on your back with confidence and strength.

Forget the people who tear you down.

Remember that feeling that gave you the strength to carry on.

And say goodbye to the things that hurt you.

Say hello to the good that can stay.

Monday Musing // I don't even know what to blog about...

my brain right now

Yeah, I don't know what to blog about. I am kind of thinking that a hiatus is in order. Maybe after this week. I don't want to force anything. I do have a fun summery post ready for Wednesday, it's going to be great. Just fantastic and fun, really. Maybe just stay tuned for that. 

I just started a really good work out regimen. I started using My Fitness Pal. I will have gotten some pretty rad sandals by the time you read this. I am on the hunt for light wash jeans that I can wear in the office. I let go of a pair that cost only $12.97 at the Gap. I think I am going to run back tomorrow and see if there is anyway or any hope that someone didn't snatch them up. If you know of any great places that sell really nice jeans for a good price, let this chica know. I am the queen of jeans, but I really can't wear the same pairs every single day of the week. I need some variety and some light wash in my life. 

The fourth of July is this week. Oh what fun. Bring on the watermelon and corn on the cob. Tyler has never done street fireworks so that will be new and the carne asada will be prime. 

Every single day I learn a little more about myself, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I really like to learn about myself. The little hidden quirks that come to light. The insecurities that I overcome. The warmth I feel within me. It's a good feeling. Have any of you experienced something like that? 

And now to conclude...some songs that I have been digging...just two so I don't spoil the playlist. 

It's All Coming Back to Me Now by Celine Dion 

& 

When I Fall in Love by Sam Cooke 

+ h a p p y // m o n d a y 

& 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

p.s.  feel free to share some of your musings with me. 

Observed // Me, again...

p h o t o 

I'm observing myself again. And my feelings. And my thoughts. And my beliefs. I observe those a lot. And when I say observe, I mean reflect. That's what I'm doing, but I like making things sound deeper and more hipster and artsy because that's the way I roll. So observed is the word. 

Well, it's me again. Back for another blogpost. Back for another musing on a Monday. Wearing a t-shirt dress I got from the Gap for $11.20. Because I really like a good deal. I like them so much that I buy so many deals that it pretty much defeats the purpose of deals in the first place. 

And the thing is, I'm pretty grateful that Tyler tolerates me so much, because I really bug myself a lot. I get annoyed with how my mind works sometimes. I am annoyed with my anxieties and the feelings I have. And I realize that I'm not loving myself enough and so I have to observe myself. I just do. I have to take a break from the pretzel bite recipe I'm trying, and I need to observe myself, because it teaches me to love myself more. It teaches me to see what Tyler sees. It teaches me patience. 

And so I observe....reflect, really. 

So things I've observed about myself. 

My style preferences have evolved. I have always really liked laid-back styles. Granted, in the past I forced myself to wear certain pieces to fit in, but now I think I've got it. Honestly, I could use some more business appropriate pieces in my closet. I need to dress a little more professionally, but right now I am really happy with how my closet looks. I look at it and I think, yep I could pick anything in here and be happy about wearing it. Though, I should really invest in a well tailored pencil skirt and white blouse. That would be a grand idea. Mom, are you interested in making both of those things for me? 

So if you see me in a lot of stripes, oversized shirts with pockets, and t-shirt dresses just know that it makes me happy and comfortable and to me that is quite enough. And I don't really want to worry about pant suits right now. 

I love cooking. I looooooooove it. All types of cooking. I love trying new recipes. I love eating the food. I love watching it all form into something. 

I am still addicted to instagram, but the likes and comments don't matter as much. That's a relief. 

I may like certain bloggers and certain people and I may be tolerant of things and I may have a more open mind towards things, but that doesn't mean that I hate the church I belong to. I know it is true and I have my standards and I have my testimony and I believe the doctrines. I believe that I am equal among the men of my institution. One of my favorite bloggers is going through a spiritual journey and I started really getting bent out of shape about it, but then I decided that it's her life, not mine, and I can't change her ways, but I can change mine and I can become a better disciple and daughter of God, because that's who I want to be. God is love and God is good. He is no respecter of persons, but he loves with an infinite love and I know that through the Atonement, I can do all. I can overcome fears and doubts that I have. I know it, because I have experienced it. 

Slowly but surely, I have started to love my body again. 

Slowly but surely, I am getting the hang of this kinder thing. I am getting to know people around me and I am making new friends and trying to patch up relationships with old ones and it is working out. 

Every day I learn something new. Every day I shed some tear about some silly thing, but I learn more about life and love and happiness and peace.

And every day I'm grateful for all these experiences because it's what this grand plan is all about. 

Boy, I am so grateful. 

Terrific Tuesday // Sweet Motivation

Here are some pretty words to get you through the week. 

1 // Do as Queen E (Ellen) does. Dance it out. 

2 // Have time for life. Stop rushing. 

3 // Yep. That's all. 

4 // Rejoice!

5 // Yes, you are. Don't you ever forget it!

6 // Amen, Drew Barrymore, amen. Let's choose to be happy. Let's choose to be pretty. 

7 // When you feel down on yourself just remember that you are actually killing it. Yeah, you pretty much rock at life. 

8 // Thomas Edison has a point you know. Never give up. 

9 // When Abraham Lincoln tells you to make up your mind, you better make up your mind! 

10 // Another swear...but I'm not even sorry, because why the hell not? 

+ s t a y // h a p p y 

&

+ s t a y // g o l d 

On Mondays and Watermelon.

I woke up this morning after a restless night. I slept in. And it was good. But the days have been frustrating. The days have been tiring and there have been so many things on my mind. Money, utilities (seriously, the bill was so high in July, but my dad bailed me out. Thank you, Dad. Thank you from the bottom of my tired heart.), boyfriend, the future, California trip in a week, what was that bump in the house, is anyone up at this hour? Do I really need to go to work tomorrow? All those things have bombarded my thoughts. Oh and let's not forget, have I really gained 5 pounds? This haircut makes my chin look pudgy. Why am I so unhappy with myself? Why? Why? Why? And even more whys. And in those moments, I always have this moment. This moment where I get all choked up and my face gets hot and I want to fall on the ground and beat it with my fists and scream and throw the biggest baby fit ever and have my chin all trembly and wrinkled and have those salty tears sting my breaking out face and roll all sticky down my chubby cheeks. I come so close to that moment and then peace. Peace takes over. And "It will all be right in the end." replaces the "Why's, how's, what am I going to do's." That's when I know that someone is looking out for me. That's when I know who I really am and who I am becoming. Those are tender mercies, as cliche and mormony as it sounds, they are. Those are the mercies from God. Mercies from the sunlight, the leaves on the trees, the juiciest of watermelons, the deepest of sleeps. Those are the moments when I know I'm loved and that I can get through the toughest of circumstances. Those moments when I realize money is important but it's not the most important thing in the world. Save your money, pay your tithing and things will be okay. It doesn't come before friends or family. The worldly things don't bring happiness, the spiritual things do. Whether you are religious or not, we all have souls, we all have spirits, and the things of the soul are what matter most. Those things work out. Those things bring happiness.

So jumping on the Terrific Tuesday wagon early, I'm going to list a few things that made me incredibly happy today.

1. Watermelon. A simple pinkish juicy fruit with obnoxious seeds and made with loads of water that could hydrate you for years. Pick it up with your fingers, pop it in your mouth and slurp away. Everyone will hate you for the mouth noises (mainly Ty) but you are completely enjoying yourself and that is a-okay. Darn right it is. Thank you Watermelon you scrumptious fruit.

2. The fact I get to go swim today at the Rec Center. Rec Centers give me the willies because I keep thinking of little pee puddles and athlete's foot, but I can't wait. I can't. I want to smell like chlorine and bathe in a waterfall.

3. The boyfriend. Need I say more?

4. America's Next Top Model. Don't judge.

4. My dad. He is always there when I need him. He knows exactly what to do and knows exactly what to say. He has the biggest heart and the deepest love. Thank you, Daddy-O for every little thing. Thank you for lifting me off of my feeble knees. I'll love you forever. 

6. The blog and you, you my readers. Thank you for giving me people to talk to and express my inner feelings, passions, and thoughts...as weird and anti-social as that sounds. I mean, I can physically tell my friends, but this blog has been an outlet to me than anything I ever thought would. This blog has been a great thing for me. A beautiful thing. So thank you, thank you my gold friends. May you stay gold forever.

This life I live.

I had a lovely experience today and despite my droopy/sticky eyes I want to share it with all of you. With my job, I have the opportunity to be a mentor and have a mentor myself. We got on the subject of time and making the most of the time we are given on this earth and suddenly I was telling her about a trial I've been facing lately. I have found myself not appreciating the time the Lord above has given me. I suppose I haven't been very grateful for my life. It's like I've been looking up at the sky and saying, "Really, this is the plan you have for me...do you have anything else?" And talking to her right then and there I felt this sudden desire to get out of this terrible, jealous, bitter rut. This rut that has been sweetened by the most beautiful and compassionate boyfriend a girl could have. A rut that shouldn't be rut at all because of a fulfilling job. A loving family. A safe and happy home/apartment. A rut with friends, the loveliest of friends. A rut where once I'm out of it, Tyler and I can have a sweeter life, I can serve my students better, I can appreciate my family more, I can feel peace where I live, I can be a better, truer than true friend. Talking to my mentor I realized just how much this rut has held me back. How it has paralyzed me. How I have been asking God for a different plan. How selfish. How could I do such a thing? How could I use my time so terribly? So with Monica today, I decided I would use my time in the most beautiful way. To find God, to humble myself and say...you know what Heavenly Father, if you need to take this away from me or withhold this from me because there is something better for me, then please...PLEASE take it. Take it and I will wait patiently and I will hold on to the beautiful things that you have already given me. I will make the most of this life that I have. I will. I will let go of those toxic things eating me away, because when I really look at it...I don't want that life. I don't want the life I'm so jealous of. The life I'm so bitter about. The life I think I want. I really don't. So thank you Monica, thank you family, thank you Ty, thank you friends, thank you God. Thank you for this life that I live. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I saw a robin today...

I should start taking more serious pictures of my life. Not like the silly instagram ones...like pictures of the sky and the robin that I saw in the tree outside of my apartment complex. I saw so many beautiful things today and all I have is memories so I guess I will keep them close.

Seeing that robin was a lovely thing really. It was a glimmer of hope for spring. It spread its wings, startled at my appearance on the walk way. And it flapped its way to a brambly tree. I stood there and stared at it for a brief moment. I looked at it's yellow beak and it's red belly all puffed up and ruffled. It didn't chirp or anything but I imagined that it would and the primary song popped into my head.

"Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by a lilac tree,
I’m glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heav’nly Father created for me.

He gave me my eyes that I might see
The color of butterfly wings.
He gave me my ears that I might hear
The magical sound of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart:
I thank him rev’rently
For all his creations, of which I’m a part.
Yes, I know Heav’nly Father loves me."

I felt very happy walking up the stairs to my apartment. And I felt happy when I thought of the homework I had to do. That never happens. I felt good because this weekend wasn't a weekend for warm and fuzzies. It was a weekend of finding out you've lost the trust of a close friend and realizing that people move on without you. It was a pity party weekend and I seemed to be content with my current situation.

I wasn't realizing "the brutal circumstances of my current situation."(Stake Conference, baby) I wasn't improving or trying to change things that I needed to. I kept on painting a silver lining or putting a sugar coat over the things in my life that I wasn't enjoying. Well today changed that. I'm not saying the robin did...there are many factors really.

This morning I prayed out loud. I talked to God. Then I read my scriptures, I never do that in the morning. And I read about Lachoneus and his dedication to fortify his city from the Gadianton Robbers. I realized I had to fortify myself from the adversary. The Lord was on my side, I had to act. I realized that it was MY choice to be happy. It IS MY CHOICE to be myself. So I'm going to be me. Because that's who I want to be.

So I'm thankful for that robin, and Lachoneus, and praying vocally, I'm grateful for 49 degree weather, and I'm grateful for every single thing in my life...even losing the trust of a friend, because now I get to work harder to be better...and I want to be better.

Terrific Tuesday: Off to Find Myself

I have felt very lost lately, and I don't say that trying to be dramatic. I have felt very stuck. I don't feel happy or sad. I don't care but then I do care. I feel completely restless and then I feel fine where I am. I care too much about what people think and I try to hard to be everything I can't be. I try to do my best...I don't do my best. I am stuck and lost in my journey.

Well, I don't want to be lost anymore. I want to find my way and find my way in the journey. I want to discover what I really want to do. I know I said that I want to teach, but is it really REALLY what I want to do? Do I really have to live up to be the "perfect university student?" I don't need to be perfect and I need to live for myself. I need to live for my Father in Heaven. I feel like I've gotten lost in the eyes of others...and not in some romantic, soul-searching way. In a way that is really painful and hurtful.

Well I'm not going to be that way anymore. I am going to find God and I'm going to find myself. So although this post seems a bit melancholy, it really is supposed to be happy, because I'm going on my journey of self discovery. It will require a lot of work, and I won't get it right the first time, but I know I will get it right some time. Maybe I have to be by myself for a while. Maybe I need to go home and get a homecooked meal. Maybe I will have to pray always...always, but like my friend Talor says, God is awake and God is love. I must find Him. And in Him I'll find myself.

So here starts my journey.
Wish me luck.
Stay golden.