Monday Musing // The Things of 2014 Past

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Oh I didn't really feel like writing this blog post, but sometimes when I'm at the end of a very productive and tiring day, I feel the deepest need to express the words swirling in my mind trying to connect into much too lengthy and grammatically incorrect sentences.

2014 was an interesting year.

Quite the most interesting of my life, perhaps. So far.

Good things happened in 2014 and bad things happened too.

And so did things that helped me grow an inch or two. Literally, figuratively, whatevertively.

I celebrated a year of marriage to the coolest cat in 2014.

I took care of him at his weakest and I celebrated with him at his strongest.

I built a professional portfolio of written works.

I made new friends.

I let go of lost love.

I accepted my body more.

I accepted health and fitness more.

I met people who taught me light and goodness.

I excelled in things I wanted to excel in.

I found my voice.

I discovered my personal style. I refined it.

I found more and more of myself.

And I changed the parts that needed to change.

I let go of things that hurt me.

I fought with some that wouldn't budge.

And I discovered the most perfect little things that I like about my soul.

Some things I didn't like...

I gained pounds that eat away at me every day.

I cried a lot about silly things.

I looked at myself in the mirror a little too long and wept over scars, marks, and folds.

I contemplated calories and eating a little too much.

I ignored comments and words of affirmation.

I wept justified tears and I lashed out in anger at things not so justified and things of the past.

But despite those bad things, those demons that are still creeping up on me, I'm learning to be resilient.

I'm learning to fight back.

I'm learning to be a voice of courage and love and progress. Moving forward.

I learned about me this past year, and I plan to learn about myself even more.

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Playlist Thursday: Figuring it out

p h o t o 

What am I figuring out? My life? Yes. This playlist? Perhaps. My feelings about the future and where I'm going? Always.

Today is the last day of school. It's my second to last fall semester. Next semester I will have my last Winter. And then my last Spring/Summer in California and then the last semester of college ever. I'm nervous. I'm unsure, but I have this little light of peace in my heart. Deep down in the pits of my soul. A feeling of joy and peace that always warms me up when I'm sitting in the shower over thinking things. This light keeps growing even when I'm still trying to figure things out.

The light gets brighter when every day little things happen. Things that I don't expect.

For example, yesterday was the last day of my News Reporting class and I got the awarded "Most Dependable Reporter" for the Life Desk. I almost cried. I couldn't believe it. I spent the whole semester beating down on myself, and here was someone telling me I was good. Better than good. That I was great. Great at something that I have always wanted to do. I want to write. And I want to write the way I want to write. But I learned how to work with editors and I learned how to take criticism and I learned the brutality of deadlines and news publications. I learned things that made me better. I'm one step closer. Now I have a professional portfolio and I'm just one step closer.

This feels really good. It just does. I remember being so afraid. Afraid of moving up and doing things that I'm passionate about. Being afraid can either hurt you or be a catalyst to your success. Some days I let my fear take over me, but this semester I learned to fight it and let it drive me.

I don't know if I'll ever be a successful lifestyle writer or a contributor or editor for some fancy publication that advertises minimalist clothing or Scandinavian furniture and terrariums. I don't know if I will change the way girls look at their bodies. I don't know if NYFW will ever ask me to do an interview or comment on a designers line of work. All of those things would be pretty darn great. Working for one of these beautiful websites on the internet would be a dream. Being a Man Repeller is also a dream and seeing my face on the cover of something would be another dream. I have lots of dreams, but I can make small differences here and I can be where I am right now. I can share goodness here. Dreams are good to dream, but don't forget where you are and where it's taking you. Didn't Dumbledore say something like:

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

And don't forget the people that have held you up along the way. That's one of the greatest meanings of life. The people. The ones that are helping you along the way.

And just to Christmas-fy this message...I would just like to say pass it along. Pass along the love and service and goodness. Lift where you stand. As cheesy as that sounds. Just do it. Don't forget to give back.

Because I have been given much, I too must give. 

And now for a playlist full of songs that invoke contemplation and daydreams of good books, trees, rainy days, and coffee shop bagels.

1 // Turning Page by Native Men (Sleeping at Last cover)

Karly Jade, I just want you to know that I love you and I am so grateful for your friendship and your really great taste for beautiful music. 

2 // She Treats Me Well by Ben Howard 

Tyler, I sometimes I replace the "she" with "he". Thanks for treating me well. 

3 // River by Cee-Lo Green (Joni Mitchell cover) 

Mom and Dad, this song makes me miss you so much I can't breathe, but I am grateful that you aren't far away. I know this Christmas I won't be with you and I'd like to get a river to skate away on, but I need to remember my new family and that you will always be my family. Sometimes I forget that. Merry Christmas you two. I love you. Thanks for all the other Christmases. I promise to be a the best daughter-in-law to the Abbotts. 

4 // Run to You by Pentatonix 

To my baby girl. Thanks for showing me this gem. You showed it to me at a time where I felt really hopeless about school work and finals and everything school related. 

5 // Higher Love by Steve Winwood

To everyone who has brought "higher love" to me and who will bring it in the future. 

Now let's jam. 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Terrific Tuesday // Always late

So you just get a picture today.  That I found yesterday. On Tuesday.

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Dream Killer

Well isn't it though? You wouldn't believe what I put my mind through sometimes.

This weekend I made a decision.

Growing up I struggled with perfectionism. Oh, who am I kidding, I still do! But also, growing up, I decided that I wanted to not try so hard. I wanted to be effortless. I wanted to be gold, because it's a good way to be. I decided that I didn't want to care about what people thought of me.

In a world full of girls, we care so much about what others thinks about us. We care about having Pinterest-perfect lives, weddings, wardrobes, kitchens, hair styles, finger nails...you name it. And it's not right.

How could we ever do this to ourselves?

How could I ever do it to myself? How could I ever compare? How could I be so ungrateful?

Yes, I am human. I struggle. I learn too!

I learn a lot about myself every day.

So this weekend I decided to keep to my commitment that I made to be effortless. To be gold. To not look at others on social media and compare myself to their pictures. To silly little pictures. I can't do that, because I like my life, and I really want to lift others. Oh I do. I want to inspire.

I want to help people feel light and joy.

How can I do that if I am so busy trying so desperately hard to write the best blog posts, have the best tumblr, pin the best pins, get the most likes on instagram, have the best wedding dress, upload the best wedding photos, have the best statuses, get the best grades, be a picture-perfect wife?

I don't think I can fulfill that dream if I am trying so hard to be perfect in the eyes of the world.

If I'm trying so hard to pretend to not be afraid of what they think.

God knows me. He loves me. He knows where I am..and really that's what matters the most.

Light and joy and dreams and inspiring and being perfectly content with how my life has turned out.

It's a wonderful life, really.

Why would I ever want anything else?

+ s t a y // g o l d 

The thing about weight.

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I can't step near a scale. Thinking about it brings fear to my very soul. It shakes my bones. The last time I stepped on a scale my heart sank, my tears stung, my throat tightened, and I felt completely ill. I immediately regretted my decision of stepping on that stupid piece of metal run by batteries that could have been smashed so quickly with one fierce stomp.

The thing is...gaining weight paralyzes me and it's stupid, because my weight has always fluctuated and I have always been okay with my body, but circumstances and life experiences and trials have eaten at my mind and sometimes I look in the mirror and I just hate what I see, but I love what I eat, but working out seems like such a burden during my already busy day.

I have always had exercise tendencies. I actually enjoy it after I do it. But I can't let it consume me anymore. I just can't...because it has been. And sometimes it doesn't even matter if Tyler tells me that I'm beautiful or if I read one more passage about divine nature and just being healthy and taking care of your body. Sometimes you just feel hopeless. Sometimes you feel like you are only working out so you can drop a waistline...so you can fit into those skirts that you love so much.

And I kinda do right now. I feel that way. And I don't want to. I want to exercise for ME.

Oh how I hate scales and numbers and watching what I eat and going through the sweat, pain, and tears.

My mom tells me I can eat whatever I want...as long as I exercise. She means completely well...I totally promise. She has never made me feel sick about my body. She has always encouraged me, but I'm surrounded by beautiful girls who hate their bodies and so I look at mine and think...well I must hate mine too.

There must be something wrong with mine too.

So what do I do? Well, I'm going to keep on living. I'm going to keep on trying. Sure, I won't work out every single day, I still need to figure that out. Sure I'll still eat junk and healthy things and whatever I please. But I'm still trying to figure myself out.

I'm trying to love my body. The hips, the stretch marks, the cellulite, the boobs, the rolls, the little pooch, the uneven skin, the not-so-toned arms. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to love who I am. My body, my spirit, my health, and I'm going to be grateful. I have to be. I have to be, because being grateful actually works. It actually helps. I want to take care of myself, but I also want to love myself...so I will.

Let's love ourselves a little bit more.

Let's love our skin.

Here's a post that has really helped me. I read it almost every single day. I'm going to print it off and put it in my journal. I hope it helps you. It is beautiful.

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Terrific Tuesday: Be a Dreamer

p h o t o 

Sorry I wasn't present yesterday. 

I spend a lot of my days on campus, lately. 

It blows. 

But so does the wind. 

And that's okay. 

So this terrific Tuesday...

Be a dreamer. 

A doer. 

A thinker. 

See possibility everywhere.

Because that's who I am trying to be...

And sometimes I make mistakes. 

I'm no where near perfect. 

I'm making progress though, and that's enough. 

A dreamer I will be. 

Because I do see possibility everywhere. 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

On navy blue nails and chocolate fudge cupcakes...

Yesterday was a nervous break down day. It just was. I wish there was a way to describe it fully, but mostly it consists of feeling overweight, pulling out hair, heavy breathing, tears, and a brief moment of lethargy where you can't get off the couch because the food network is way more important than doing the dishes. I don't use the term nervous breakdown like an adjective. It's a noun, a verb, all of these above. I know them well. Well I used to know them really well. Back in high school. Went through one at least 3 times a week...but college changed a few things and now it's a big surprise when they happen and it's less than fun. In those break downs all of my insecurities that I have buried away show their faces. My anxieties and worries come out like an eel in murky water. It's paralyzing.

Unfortunately, in those moments I lose my morale and I lose my calm. My stress sky rockets and my palms sweat and I overeat. I do. Ramen Noodles, BBQ Meatballs, four chocolate fudge cupcakes. And then I feel guilty. And then that guilt paralyzes me and I sit on the couch watching food channel and painting my nails dark navy blue frantically because I have bitten them as far as they can go. When I should be doing homework, but when I reach this point I usually have a moment where my mind clears. And it's that thing us Mormons call a tender mercy. The tender mercy is sweet relief. It happens. I remember that everything is okay.

Normally, I wouldn't go through this part alone. Tyler is usually there to soothe my aching soul. He is there with his long, safe arms to stroke my hair, kiss my cheek, and wipe my eyes. Yesterday though, I was by myself in the house. Tyler came home and I looked up at him all weepy on the couch and the soothing and love commenced and everything felt better. Just sitting there on the couch with him talking about happy moments and blessings we have.

We both realized something...everyone has a struggle in their life. One time or another, we struggle. That is life. But life has a lot of incredibly beautiful moments. I see them every day. I saw them on that particularly hard day and I see them now. I hope you can see them, my friends. Life is beautiful may we never forget it.

Happy Tuesday. Stay gold.

Discovering...

I've been making discoveries lately. I am not much of an explorer, but here are a few things that I have found.

The shoulder and crook of the neck are meant for heads to nestle in to. They are meant for that sweet moment when you grab the arm of the person you love, hold it close to your heart, and rest your head in that perfect little crook and it just fits so perfectly that you found a sweet little piece of heaven. Thank you Heavenly Father for creating bodies to fit perfectly together. It's a miraculous thing really, men cannot be alone. Oh how beautiful.

If you don't have something nice to say...don't say it at all. I don't know why I always have to discover this little tidbit but it's a lifelong truth.

That November doesn't let Fall last very long. November takes it's little hands and rips off the leaves and then the wind sweeps them along the cold ground so your feet aren't able to crunch them ever so nicely. So you are left to admire the trees that are wise and let their leaves change color for a little bit long and stay on the branches a little bit longer. And you can look at pumpkins for a bit before snow comes on over and kicks them out. I have a love hate relationship with November because sometimes it oversteps it's boundaries. It's alright though. I love seasons anyway.

I need to be patient. More patient with myself. More patient with the circumstances of mortal existence. More patient with wedding plans and the perfect shoes and beautiful cover up that just seems to be hiding away. Patience is a virtue and it will never hurt you.

SLAB is JUST as good the next day.

Sometimes all you need is a little bit of Red Robin. Here I come Whiskey River Chicken Burger.

What are some discoveries you have made recently? Feel free to share. 

Stay gold, friends.

Noah Gundersen

I was supposed to do a Noah Gundersen playlist A LONG time ago, but I seemed to get distracted with other things like the beautiful weather and a massive PR campaign project that is due next Tuesday. Anyway, back to Noah Gundersen. So I was watching The Vampire Diaries, because I'm kind of OBSESSED with the Vampire Diaries. Team Damon, y'all. Yeah I was watching TVD and personally I think that TVD has some of the best music and the song was playing and I was crying and then I was falling in love with the song and I was wondering why I was crying and I concluded that it wasn't just because someone was dead, it was because someone was dead and the SONG was making it ten times more sad. And so I looked up the lyrics and BAM, Noah Gundersen appeared. And I listened to the rest of his music and I fell in so much love. So this playlist is dedicated to the man himself.
 
1. San Antonio Fading

"Oh my darling, your memory slowly fading. I know I keep complaining, but I'm not as strong as I was. When we were younger back in Texas... when our love was new. But it's not that the love is missing, it's just not around. It's just flowing under like rivers underground. And if I say I love you
like you know I do, would you say you love me too? If you do, I'll keep on loving you."

2. Family

"And I watch you stumble drunk out into the night, to cat call ladies. You're thirsty for blood, you're picking a fight. And I wanted to ask you...man, what do you do in the daylight?"

The song that they played on TVD. *sob* 

3. Garden

"But wait, oh wait see how the morning breaks? It's the simplest of love songs, but it's all our hearts can take and though we lose our stake heaven is where we make it even in the smallest places, can a garden grow."

4. Honest Songs

"So be good with what you're given. For it's all you have to give. We are only passing shadows in the mighty wind. So though I tremble in the darkness, in the cold and frozen snow. I am grateful for the winter, for the winter comes to show...That our trouble is never over, and our work is never done. But with the turning of the season...We will always see the sun."


What do you think of Noah Gundersen's music? Aren't his lyrics beautiful? What are you listening to? Have you made any new discoveries? Comment below and happy listening! Stay gold.

Terrific Tuesday: Off to Find Myself

I have felt very lost lately, and I don't say that trying to be dramatic. I have felt very stuck. I don't feel happy or sad. I don't care but then I do care. I feel completely restless and then I feel fine where I am. I care too much about what people think and I try to hard to be everything I can't be. I try to do my best...I don't do my best. I am stuck and lost in my journey.

Well, I don't want to be lost anymore. I want to find my way and find my way in the journey. I want to discover what I really want to do. I know I said that I want to teach, but is it really REALLY what I want to do? Do I really have to live up to be the "perfect university student?" I don't need to be perfect and I need to live for myself. I need to live for my Father in Heaven. I feel like I've gotten lost in the eyes of others...and not in some romantic, soul-searching way. In a way that is really painful and hurtful.

Well I'm not going to be that way anymore. I am going to find God and I'm going to find myself. So although this post seems a bit melancholy, it really is supposed to be happy, because I'm going on my journey of self discovery. It will require a lot of work, and I won't get it right the first time, but I know I will get it right some time. Maybe I have to be by myself for a while. Maybe I need to go home and get a homecooked meal. Maybe I will have to pray always...always, but like my friend Talor says, God is awake and God is love. I must find Him. And in Him I'll find myself.

So here starts my journey.
Wish me luck.
Stay golden.