currently

I love these types of blog posts. They are easy to write and just plain fun because you get to share all those little details about yourself that probably no one cares about but you want to do it anyway. That's what blogging is all about, right? Talking about things that people really love or talking about things that are totally pointless and that only you care about. This is one of those posts.

So I'm currently...

Listening // Fleetwood Mac's Rumours and ABBA's Gold. For Valentine's day Tyler got me a record player and the vinyls of both. He did a marvelous job. I'm obsessed.

Reading // Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. It's taking me awhile but it's so interesting and not what I expected. Oh, and it's funny. I love funny books written by funny people.

Working // at Wallaroo Media. Full time. It's so different and I can't believe I've started this phase of my life. However, I enjoy it despite the feelings of stress and self-doubt I feel on a day to day basis. Any tips on how to be a mentally healthier human are always appreciated on this part of the internet.

Watching // West Wing and The Bachelor. West Wing is strictly for dinner time because it's easy to watch and it makes me feel smart. The Bachelor for when I want to be like every other girl in America and watch women who are so much more capable of doing other things make fools of themselves on national television. But I shouldn't judge because they are all there for the right reasons.

Wearing // Brown lipstick straight from the '90s. Black boots. High-waisted jeans. Oversized tunic shirt that looks more expensive that it really was.

Craving // Pizza. But when am I not craving pizza? But for real. For a long time, I didn't crave chocolate in fact thinking about eating it made me sick, but today we got chocolate from my mother-in-law in the mail and I realized how long it had been. I almost ate the whole bar.

Wanting // This sweater. This shirt. These boots. This plant. This planter. This print. This vinyl.

Feeling //  Ready for a long weekend. Aren't long weekends just a blessing sent from the Lord above?

Doing // Not necessarily doing these things but I want to. I want to grow my own plants and learn to cross stitch. I said I would in 2016 and I haven't yet.

Enough

Me in an absolutely posed selfie that I legitmately thought would be something an insta-famous person would do. Sincerely was about to post this, until I realized how stupid I looked and how dumb my thought process for the whole thing actually was. This now lives on this blog and the selfies folder on my phone. May we never speak of it again.

Our home teachers invited us to dinner the other night, and I really like my home teachers, so of course I accepted the invitation with grace and hustled on over to their place to stuff my face with the most delicious baked and breaded pork chops with mashed potatoes and caesar salad on the side. During dinner, we started having a conversation about the pressures of social gatherings and social things in general. And with all conversations about social things, I feel like it all goes back to social media. So we talked about how much all of us hate social media. I work in social media, friends, I am social media. Well my job is social media anyway, but not the kind where you share those stupid and really fake articles or those "You won't believe what happened after this girl started singing" videos or even those "please feel sorry for me" or " my hubby/wifey is the sweetest most perfect person in the entire world" posts. We do the business and analytical side, and maybe every once in a while we get to create something totally cool and send it out for the world to see. I mean, we do share cool articles, and create awesome content so I should give myself some credit here.  Nevertheless, social media is more foe than friend to me sometimes.

Now, we all came to the conclusion that social media really is what you make it. I mean, you technically choose to feel bad when you see someone with their completely bleach white photos with perfect potted plants, perfect hair, teeth, husband, food and children that haven't even been born yet, but you just know they are going to be perfect because their instagram theme is on-effing-point. Yeah, you choose to feel bad about that stuff, but let's hashtag REAL talk for a second here.

We. Have. All. Felt. Bad. Or. Inadequate. Looking. At. Someone's. Social Media. Feed. (Periods added for emphasis and attention and annoyance.) We all have. And if you deny it, I promise you from the bottom of my cold, black heart that you are lying. I know you are. Because as much as we love social media and we love keeping in touch with those high school friends that we never talk to ever, we also secretly/not so secretly hate it. And might I add that we all secretly want a million likes and a million comments saying, "goals." So when we don't get them and we see all those insta-famous moms and singles on mountains and wavy-haired girls with those comments and likes, we all feel bad and feel a little bit of bitterness. Even if social media is what you make it, we all still feel bad.

My home teacher's wife is absolutely beautiful. She's totally adorable. She's one of those girls who just looks the best pregnant (she is pregnant) and she has pretty manicured nails and pretty hair and the best personality. And I want to be her friend and tell her funny jokes because she is one of those people that laughs at all jokes even if they are not funny because she wants you to know that you are funny. She really is the nicest human and it seems like she has nothing to feel self-conscious about, but she said to me during that dinner that every time she looks at pinterest or instagram she feels really overwhelmed. She feels like she doesn't and will probably never ever measure up. She gets overwhelmed because she feels like she needs to have the perfect house (with that on-point gallery wall), the perfect closet (with those valentino rockstuds), the perfect husband (with that man bun) and the perfect everything else (you know, kids dressed in outrageously overpriced clothing from companies with names like Finn&Olive, for example). And I am sad to say that I couldn't say that I didn't know how she felt. Oh how I wish we could all say that we didn't feel that way. She and I don't feel that way all the time. I mean, that would get really exhausting, but more than once a week we feel that way.

We feel like we don't measure up and we never will. But I know that's not true. And you should know that too. It's not true.

We can't stop those insta-famous or blog famous people from posting or being who they are. I'm sure a lot of them are great people and I'm sure they have a lot of crap that goes down in their lives. They just have extra validation from the internet. We don't need that validation. We really don't. And they don't need it either. (Don't get me wrong, those people we see all the time all over the internet aren't bad people, I promise I don't think they are bad people. I know a few positively lovely and wonderful internet famous girls that I am glad to call my friends. Please don't think I hate them. I don't.)

So we all came to a conclusion that night. We first decided that we are enough. We are more than our social media accounts.

I told her that she is beautiful and wonderful and enough. She doesn't need to be anything more for the internet. And we exchanged words of encouragement, but then she said that she wished there were people on the internet that were "real." Real is so relative sometimes. Like what defines real? I could say I'm real, but I also sometimes whiten my instagram photos and I sometimes take 50 selfies to get the right one and I even sometimes stage my photos and think long and hard about captions. DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE NEVER DONE THAT!

But I get what she's saying. We need people who are willing to admit that they feel the way I just described above some days more than others. We need people who are size 10's and 12's and above and still try to work out because they want to be healthy not necessarily because they NEED to lose weight. We need girls who are size 00 through 9 to talk about about how no one thinks their bodies are "real or normal" when they are. We need to start a healthy discussion about women building each other up. We need people who are completely open and unapologetic (but not Donald Trump unapologetic, in fact stay away you all trumpians). We need people who sometimes have a bad day and want to write about it. We need all kinds of people. We even need the insta/internet/blog-famous ones. We need each other.

And most importantly we need to remember that despite what is trending, or what is popular. or what boots you SHOULD be wearing from H&M because they are #goals...despite ALL of that...

We are enough.

We are.

So maybe I'll try to be one of those "real" people. That's what this blog was intended for anyway. Let's see how we do.

And even if I fail, I am enough. And so are you.

Observed // I am not

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I expect a lot out of myself. The majority of pressure I feel in life comes directly from me. I want to be a lot of things and i feel like i need to be other things. I'm not going to discount the fact that the culture I live in expects a lot of things. You have to be the most active. The most outgoing. The most fashionable. The most everything.

Well I'm not a lot of things. In fact, I fall short in a lot of stuff, but as I continue my journey of self-love and self-discovery I've found gold in the things I am not. I have found who I am.

1. I do not have the most clothes in my closet, in fact; I don't even have the latest styles found at good old University Mall. I haven't been shopping for a couple of months. I am not up-to-date with the latest fashions, but here's what I am...

I am learning more and more about my personal style and I'm developing an eye for quality over quantity.

2. I am not the skinniest but here's what I am. I am a girl LEARNING every day to love her body. I am a girl learning to embrace all bodies. I am a girl learning to treat her body with honor and with kindness.

3. I am not the prettiest. Sometimes, I think my chin is really big. Sometimes, I think my face is too round. But here's what I am. I am a person who can smile. I am a person who can feel the warmth of the sun on her face.  I am a girl with a face that is the beautiful genetic makeup of two of the most incredible and important people in her life.

4. I am not the smartest. I do not have a 4.0 anymore. I am not the top of my class and I don't know everything. But here's what I am. I am a person who tries and works hard for what she wants. I am a girl that doesn't throw up every morning anymore because she is so terrified of anything lower than an A. I am a girl who is learning so many valuable things each day. I am a girl who gets to go to college. Have you ever stopped to thinking of just how fortunate you are to go to college?

5. I am not perfect. And I never will be. I am not the perfect wife. I am not the perfect daughter. I am not the perfect member of the church (HAH). I am not the perfect friend and I am not the perfect student. But this is who I am and I am embracing these perfect imperfections, because they make up who I am. They make up my soul. They make up the very core of my being.

I am me, and as cheesy as this sounds...there is no one I would rather be.

Terrific Tuesday // On Being Okay With Where You Are

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Unlike all of my friends, I didn't graduate in April.

And like one of my friends, Talor, I felt really depressed about it.

And for a long time I fought with myself and I talk myself down and I blamed myself and I felt like a failure. And I wondered what I did wrong.

Yeah, kind of dramatic, right? Well, sort of. Well, yeah.

Sometimes in life you are on this path and it feels right because you're on that path with everyone else and you've got your pals and you're progressing and you get to tell your mom that you're progressing. It feels pretty darn great.

But then the path just gets crazy. There are rocks and there are trees and pretty flowers along the way and there are potholes. And you get distracted by those flowers and those lovely trees with the sun hitting their leaves just right. And then sometimes you MAD trip into one of the potholes and people keep moving. They don't keep moving because they are heartless or they don't care about you...they move on because they have destinations and they didn't hit those exact potholes you did. They also might be distracted my other flowers along the way or have their sight on other trees, and that's really okay.

Don't be mad at those people. They have destinations, and that's really okay. They wish they could help you out of those potholes and they try or they try to tell you to move on from that certain tree or they rejoice with you about those flowers, but they have to keep going on their path.

Their path is a good one. So is yours. The worthwhile people in your life are the ones that help you along your path and even if they make it to their destination before you make it to yours...they still cheer you on and they make your destination brighter.

The people that are worth diverging from (you know you let them go their own way) are the ones that keep lecturing you about what you do. They are the ones that keep asking you why you have to look at those flowers or why you couldn't possibly get out of that pothole. They are the ones that think their destination is better or brighter and they try to rush you through for some reason. So let them go their own way and say "Hey I'm smelling the roses and even though some of my friends are smelling other roses farther down the path, I'm okay with where I am."

Be okay with where you are, unless you're in a really bad place, if you're in a bad place i hope and pray you find the help you need. I hope you surround yourself with the people that matter with the people that can help you. Be okay if you are in a place where you are learning and becoming better and doing things at the best pace that you can. Slow and steady isn't bad. Fast is good sometimes. Learning and growing is the best.

Treat yourself the best way you can. Treat yourself. Eat an ice cream. Watch your favorite TV show. Take a walk. Go swimming. Buy flowers for yourself. Bake your favorite cookie. Eat a yummy salad with that dressing. Sleep in. Meditate with the sun rays beaming on you. Breathe in deeply and be okay with where you are, because it's a beautiful place to be with the flowers and the trees and even those potholes.

p.s. I realize I completely digressed from my experience not graduating, but you know what I meant. Sooooo yeah.

Windows

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There is a house right behind our house. The house is large and has a lot of windows. The window in the room that looks out to this this big house with lots of windows has the best breeze. The breeze brushes your back lightly, but it supplies the best cool.

You can also see the prettiest sunsets at this window. My father-in-law uses this room with the best window with the best breeze that looks out to the large house with the most windows, so I don't get that much time in this room, but on the days where he's golfing and Abby is out hustling and bustling with kids, I sneak away to the room with the best window with the best view of the best sunsets that looks out to the big house with the many windows. 

While I'm here I enjoy the light breeze with the best cool and then my mind thinks about windows, and all the windows of that house. I would like a house with a lot of windows and figuratively...I have a lot of windows. We all have a lot of windows. Windows to the soul? Perhaps...or windows to the heart or just windows period, you feel me? I have a lot of windows. 

In one window you can see the kitchen. The place where my mind is thinking about, you guessed it food, but it's also thinking about creation and all the things that I want to do and make in this life. It's filled with thoughts about things I want to do with my creativity.

In another window you can see a closet, a big one too. Filled with the loveliest things my brain can desire, but it's also filled with the things I'm afraid of like monsters and insecurities and things that dwell in closets. 

And through a window there is definitely a living room, filled with joy and laughter and the good things in life that warm the soul. I feel like the living room is your eyes, you know the window to your soul? The living room is the window we keep open the most because it's polite and people like being there. They like being in the living room because that's where the people are the happiest and everything is going well. 

Then in window there is the bedroom, and it's the most private place. It's a resting place. It's the place where I try to shed the burdens of the day; I shed my day-skin. It's the place I don't share that much, because that's where the closet resides and in the closet is where the fears and insecurities are, and sometimes they think they can creep into your bedroom when you're trying to rest. But sometimes when my mind tries to rest it becomes restless. With restlessness a closet opens and all the fears and monsters come out. Sometimes when you wake up in the morning, that window remains open. Too  many open windows. 

We all have a lot of windows. Some stay open. Some stay shut tight. Some days people can see straight into my windows, other days they are tight and closed. It's hard to have all the windows open. It's hard to have them closed. That's why we have to find our best window. The one with the great view. The one with the best breeze when opened. The one that captures that sunset so nicely. Once you find that window, you find some peace and you become okay with what people see. 

So even if this analogy made no sense at all and even if it is extremely poorly written, I hope that you find your window and I hope you find the strength to let that breeze in, because it ain't so bad and people really need to just deal with your open windows, because that's tough if they can't.

But don't let it get to you...you're the boss of your own freaking windows. 

New Mercies

//

I'm really bad at forgiving myself. And for a long time I have not been able to forgive myself. I haven't been able to forgive myself for getting this way (gaining 30 pounds). I haven't been able to forgive myself for not working out every day, for eating that food, for saying that thing, and the list goes on and on and on.

And while I haven't been able to forgive myself, I've trapped myself. I've put myself in this little cage of self-loathing and self-pity and self-pride and self-everything that's not good for you.

So every time I made a "goal" to get better, a "goal" to lose 30 pounds, a goal to work out rigorously every day, this toxic cage would just fuel these goals and so I would give up. Truly they were all unrealistic. Truly they kept me from listening to my own body. These goals only added to this toxicity surrounding my life. All of this, because I couldn't forgive myself. All of this because I couldn't let go and listen to my body and love myself.

Time and time again I have seen the quote on pinterest that we are our own worst critics, and it's completely true. We definitely are. I didn't realize how I was trapping myself inside that nasty little cage. I was becoming one of those mean girls. Mean to herself and projecting her mean-ness to others. I wasn't letting the pure, clean and sweet feeling of forgiveness and love and freedom envelope me because I was afraid. I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of not seeing any progress. I'm afraid of going back to that spiraling lifestyle of "it's my body I can do what I want to."

Sure it is your body, but remember that your body needs nurturing. It needs to be taken care of! This doesn't mean you have to be the skinniest or the perfectly curviests or the one with the most muscles, but you have to be kind to it.

Being kind to your body will be the most freeing thing you do in your life. I've done it once. I was struggling with a living situation I was in. I needed to get out and taste some fresh air. So I ran every day or I went to the gym and lifted weights. It was the happiest I ever felt. I was drinking a lot of water. I was eating good food too, it wasn't even the healthiest food but it was good. I felt balanced, but I let the negativity of life (and insecurities I believed about myself) and my situation overcome me and I spiraled. I found that cage and thought I found refuge, but I didn't.

I've only been here for a day, in California I mean, but I already feel myself going on this little journey. A little journey of self-discovery and reflection. These journeys are really hard sometimes, but they are completely necessary for our growth and progression in this mortal existence.

My Abby (mother-in-law) and I were talking about prioritizing our lives yesterday. She told me that she wanted to prioritize reading her scriptures. Her bishop at church told her that the most important things come before others. Simple, right? Yeah, except think about all the times that you put the not-so-important things in front of other things because it was more convenient? So her bishop offered a challnege to the congregation.

In your mind, think of all the things you do in your daily routine. Now think of the things that you are omitting that are actually really important. Now, say the following...

"I have a lot of things to do in a day, but before I do *blank* I will do *blank*. For Abby it was before I get out of bed, I will read my scriptures.

For me it's a little different and I'm still figuring it out, but I thought that was a good way to look at life. It's all about listening to your body and listening to your lifestyle. You know you better than anyone else. This prioritizing might be for a personal study habit or a personal workout routine or for anything else for that matter, but just know it's for you. (I'm saying this mostly for me, haha.)

So that's what I'm going to do. Prioritize.

Now just one more thing...forgiving yourself. You have to let yourself do it. Even if you mess up your  priorities. Even if you are trying to mend a broken relationship, a broken dream, a lost joy, a lost motivation. You have to forgive yourself because it will set you free. Now i know I just said that, but you need to realize this one more thing...

Every day you have a new mercy. You don't only get a new mercy in January when you make those resolutions. You don't only get new mercies at church or at the beginning of a new job or only when something great happens or only when times are tough. You get a new mercy every single day. The moment you wake up a new mercy begins. No matter what your life is like you get one.

As I've battled my problems with eating and distorted body image, one of the best things I could do for myself was forgive myself EVERY day.

I watched a video by one of my favorite fitness gurus and she said to be healthy in every aspect of your life you have to forgive yourself every day. Not just on Tuesdays or Fridays or "cheat days" (I hate that phrase, btw), but EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Every day is a new opportunity. Every day you get new lovely little mercies to help you keep going. Those mercies are telling you, "You can do it. You're doing great. Look at you, you beautiful and awesome you! You're doing great. I'm proud of you."

Believe in your new grace every single morning, you guys. Believe in it with all of your guts and grit, because it's totally and completely real. You don't have to be trapped in that cage of blame and sadness and guilt. This guru also said that we need to stop trapping ourselves in the "I can't do this, I can't eat that, I need to work out."

YOU DON'T NEED TO DO ANYTHING BUT LOVE YOURSELF! When you love yourself, you ultimately want to do good for yourself. You want to take care of yourself. I didn't learn that all on my own. I have a lot of people who help me along the way. You have me! I have you. We can do this together.

Be free and believe in new mercies.

Observed // Me 4 (???)

//

Just yesterday, I was at the mall celebrating the completion of my accounting final. Tyler had to be on campus for another three hours, and the Gap was having a grand reopening so naturally, I went and ate cookies and popcorn and avoided people that kept asking me if I needed anything.

"No, I'm just looking and yes...I've been here for three hours, I know."

I bought one thing. I'm really bad at this capsule thing, but don't worry I'm trying and I'm setting new goals. Anyway. While I was looking around just perusing the new arrivals and fast fashion things that would dissolve in your wash, I was also thinking about life and stuff and feelings and how the world spins madly on without you and you just need to catch up or slow down or do whatever makes you feel the best. And I was really thinking about my tendency to avoid all people.

We all do this, we all avoid common places because of the people we might just see.

Whilst in H&M looking at this incredibly beautiful but extremely poorly made necklace (it was already rusting) Poor form, H&M. I saw a few people that I know. One of them was in the checkout line, I felt like calling out to her saying, "Hey Sarah!" but she was totally in the zone. That zone where you've been waiting in the H&M line for over an hour, I exaggerate, and you are just ready to get your adorable striped blouse and go, because H&M is all about the striped blouse and that rusty necklace was just a bad egg out of all the really good ones. The zone that I created for her to justify NOT saying hi to her.

And maybe this is too existential, but I felt a little lonely not calling out to her. I felt a little lost. Why didn't I do it? Why do I separate myself from people that I genuinely like? Why don't I call out more? Why do I go it alone so much?

I saw someone else. A high school friend, Cara. I thought she was a worker at first, but she called out to me.

"Dani!"

"Oh hi, Cara!"

That was a little tender mercy to me. I was so absorbed in clothes and in my own self-reflection and sort of self-pity and anxiety that her calling out to me really meant something.

She had a bunch of boys shirts because she's going to the BYU Jerusalem Center and I felt really happy for her. Really excited, because I've heard great things. And I felt bad for ever thinking bad things about myself.

I often regret how I didn't do study-broads or how i didn't kiss more boys or how I didn't make more friends or how I didn't do that thing at that time with that person or with that opportunity.

But I listened to her talk about how she needs flowy tops and I looked at all of her choices and i thought she looked adorable and then I thanked her inside my head for talking to me, because sometimes you need people to remind you about what you have. You need people to remind you that being open and being happy with your life is okay.

You need people to remind you that it's okay to talk to someone you haven't talked to in a long time.

It's okay to call out. You don't have to shrink away because you don't want to be judged or you don't want to be asked that question or you don't want to feel regret about something that happened so long ago or you don't want to be reminded of what you don't have.

You need people to remind you about what you do have. 

And I know this sounds so incredibly silly, shopping at the mall, thinking about life, but it wasn't silly to me. It was something I needed. I needed to be more willing to be warm and open.

Closed and cold is what i've been doing lately, and I don't want to do it anymore.

Good vibes, only. Because good vibes will follow you. Don't wallow in your stress. Face it head on. Be of good cheer as they say it, because people want you. People think you're great and you should start thinking the same about other people.

Thursday Thoughts // Weird things I do...

//

1 // I've been trying really hard to narrow down my wardrobe to key pieces that I absolutely love. With my lifestyle and schedule and budget, doing this can be very difficult, but I've done some things right. I've mastered shirts. I've mastered tops that I absolutely love. I know the silouhette of top that works for me. I should say silouhettes. Once I find a top that I love, I will try to wear it as much as possible the following days, because I love it that much.

Plus, I read this fascinating article about work uniforms and I just have to say a big,fat, fancy A-to the MEN. Why not wear the same thing everyday, huh? Why not?

2 // I love reading reviews. I do my research before I buy things. Reviews are like my secret best friend. Buying from J.Crew used to be the worst darn thing on the planet before they had reviews. Now they do and my world changed. Okay, so that's an exaggeration, but I seriously love reviews. It's going to be pretty bad when I start buying my own furniture and appliances for my home. Does anyone else scour websites for reviews? The review section is the first place I go to, really.

3 // Another thing that has to do with reviews that I do is that when I get something...like a present or something that was impulse or bought on a whim (I know...I need to stop doing that) I will go look it up online afterwards and see what people think about it or see what else there is to offer. This sounds so materialistic and ungrateful, but here's an example. So for my birthday, my mom got me three Alex and Ani bracelets. Now, I had never heard of Alex and Ani until two friends of mine told me about them. Then my sister, mom and I went to the store a couple of weeks back and I was floored. The concept is so beautiful. I totally didn't expect my mom to buy me some for my birthday, but she did and I just spent the last half hour looking at all of the beautiful jewelry online and every time mine come up, I get really happy inside. I also may have formed an addiction, but I hear that's normal.

4 // Once I find a song that I like, I will listen to that song on repeat for like the next two days.

5 // I am the biggest scaredy-cat, but when ghost stories start being told, I can't stop. I love hearing the freaky stuff.

I'm weird I know...

What are some weird things you do? Are these things that weird? Probably not. Am I having a dry spell?

Who knows???

Observed // Oh there has been quite the dry spell...

//

And I can't really make excuses except for the fact that school is always making me busy. I'm just busy with school, and it makes me sad, because I know I'm neglecting my dear, old friend...the blerg, I mean blog. Yes, dear blog, I'm neglecting you, and for that I am truly sorry.

The dry spell all started when I came to terms with my issues with food. Coming to terms with issues that you have is a really vulnerable experience. Vulnerable experiences are the worst. They really make you feel naked. They make you feel like you've taken 10,000 steps back.

I never thought I had a problem. I always thought I was just fine.

"Oh, that could never happen to little, old me...oh wait...it already did."

See what I mean?

Now, I'm not going to go into deep and gritty details about my struggles. I'm doing fine right now, honest. I really am. Things are good. Ups and downs happen every day, but ain't that life? It's life! Everybody say it, it's life. I really evaluated some things that were happening, and I made some decisions that were better for me.

For example, I really cut down who I was following on social media. Sure, I had this mad feeling that I was missing out, but I realized that I was missing out on things that were bringing me down. So why not miss out on that shiz? Yeah, why not?

Another example, I stopped shopping every week. I was shopping every week. I am so ashamed to say that. It's been hard. I've messed up. I've had to try again, but I'm making progress and I have a really good friend named Tyler Abbott who helps me. He's a really good counselor, too bad, I'm not sharing. If you want to know more about what I'm doing (capsule wardrobe) just let me know. We can talk about it. You'll help me!

One more example, I started surrounding myself with people that lifted me up. Not to be selfish, I mean I try to lift them up too, but I surrounded myself by the most uplifting and encouraging and inspiring people. I wish I could see more of those people. I miss you, Karly. I miss you ,Talor. I wish I wasn't so overwhelmed with school and life and responsibilities. I think I need to make the time, but that's another thing. I have to make a lot of time for myself nowadays. Time where I can be alone. Time when I can meditate and reflect. That's needed.

One thing that I'm trying to do is not worry every waking moment about school. My major is one, big, fat, horrific competition. I hate it. But it's too late to get out and I am so close to being done, so I can't give up now, but I can do things to make me less miserable where I am.

Here's the thing, I always tried to push my trials and emotions away; I never let myself accept the reality of my mind, my body, my heart, my soul, my life. Once I did, it hurt like hell, but now that I'm learning to cope, I'm finding peace. I'm finding joy. I'm finding love. That's really great, don't you think? Finding love for yourself is probably the most liberating feeling. It's the most overwhelming thing too. Your heart bursts. Your heart sings. You love someone so deeply like a spouse or a mom or a dad or a sibling, but when you love yourself...it's hard to explain but it's like gold.

So I chose a dry spell. Or the dry spell chose me? Part of me let it happen because I had to put my efforts elsewhere. You really gotta take care of yourself. Eventually, a rainstorm will fill you up with the coolest and most refreshing waters. You just have to wait for it. You can even run to catch that dark but hopeful cloud. Dark as in it's filled with that water to get you out of your drought.

So if you're in a drought. If you're having your dry spell. Live it out. Endure it well. Deserts are beautiful. Oasis's are even more beautiful, peace and self-discovery in both are the loveliest feeling of all.

Thursday Thoughts // Fate Loves the Fearless

Click here. 

Thank you for reading. 

Stay gold. 

Thursday Thoughts // This blog and expectations

//

Hello friends,

I have been thinking a lot lately about steps I want to take with the blog. I am going to keep making steps. This blog isn't ending, but my expectations are changing. There are things I know you love and those will stay. Style Profiles will stay. Inspired posts will stay...Friday Favorites will stay. Everything will stay but there won't be every day posts every single week. Some weeks I want everything to do with the blog and others I just want to leave it alone. I'm saying this more for myself than for you. I just beat myself up every time I promise something and that something happens late. That's so backwards. Heck, this is my blog. I know you have expectations too but you're my friends so you'll forgive me if I don't have a Style Profile every week and if posts don't always line up and if I don't have a picture and if I don't talk about anything more deep than clothes and shoes and things that shine. I just don't know you see. I'm having one of those who am I becoming moments. Who do I want to be moments. Is this Dani being the Dani that she has the potential to be. Do I expect too much? Do I want to be too much? Am I hurting those around me because I'm trying to be something? Guys... I don't know. So please be patient with me. Please see that I'm passionate about this blog, but that life is still rolling on without me and maybe that means I'm more transparent or I'm more private or that I keep going on like I always have. Like I said I don't know, but I just want to say thanks for reading and thanks for sticking around during haitus's and thanks for dealing with me when I post everything all at once. I feel like I have the best people in this little space of mine. Sure, I'm not blog famous. Sure I probably never will be. And that's totally okay with me, because I want to know who I am and I want to like myself and I want to be someone that shares goodness. I want this to be a place for you too. A place where you can laugh and cry and share and enjoy. Thanks for letting me share little parts of me. The silly ones. The weird ones. The sad ones. The happy ones. The dreamiest ones from the depths of my glimmering soul. As cheesy as this sounds, thanks for staying gold with me and thanks for joining me on this journey to stay gold. Much love. See you tomorrow with a really great Friday Favorites. I'm pumped.

Thursday Thoughts // A Break From Regular Scheduled Programming

//

I'm sorry about the lack of posts recently. I'm not going through anything severe. I'm not not writing for any specific reason. My writing well was just dried up this week and I set my focus on other things.

However, I did want to share a few thoughts with you today.

Side Note: Style Profile. Tomorrow. Be there. It will be absolutely lovely.

Tyler and I are in this Accounting class together. I have to take it for Public Relations and Tyler needs to take it for his business minor. This class is kicking out butt. I can't say it in any other way. It's a right forceful kick in the ass. (Sorry mom!) It brings out the worst in Tyler and I because we just don't get it and after one day of endless complaining, Tyler, in his glorious wisdom, stopped me mid-sentence and said this:

"This is a humbling experience for us, because we're not good at it and I think we are so used to being good at what we do."

And without sounding like I'm boasting about our abilities, I said, "I completely agree with you."

And I was overwhelmed with the Love of God. I was being humbled. My pride was being chipped away because I like to think that I'm good at a lot of things. I like to think that I've had a successful college career without too many failures, but here was Tyler telling me that I might fail this class, and it will be okay, because I need to experience this.

So we made a commitment to be better, and we've already made mistakes, but we both said that we would say sorry every time we made a mistake, and it's working out. Tonight we have more accounting homework so we'll have to wait and see how we go from there.

Well after we stopped complaining I felt a weight lift off of me. I felt like I was able to go throughout my day without this nasty negative burden on my shoulders and on the tip of my tongue.

I was able to get things done.

And then good things happened. Really good things happened.

Tyler got an internship this Summer in Irvine, CA with Sports 1 Marketing. This is a big deal. Tyler's dream has always been to work in the sports industry and this is his foot in the door. I couldn't be more proud of him. Tears well up in my eyes to think that one of his dreams is a reality. After being discouraged for so long, something worked out for him.

Something worked out for me too. I was worrying myself sick about this press conference I had to do for a class. Turns out, my group did the best and we got 10 extra points which is huge in PR program. Extra credit is a measly one point half of the time. This was right after Tyler found out about his internship.

So I texted him telling him the news and he sent this text back to me (in all his wisdom, of course):

"Good things are happening AROUND accounting! Which is Heavenly Father saying, "You guys are still smart and valuable, I'm just reminding you what you are actually good at."

I laughed and then shed a tear or two because he was so right.

I may not be good at everything, and that is TOTALLY COMPLETELY INCREDIBLY OKAY! It just is. You won't be perfect at all things. You could never be. Our psychological well being would be the pits if we forced ourselves to be perfect all the time. So right now I will take what I can get, and I will keep trying, because you can't give up. You have to keep going. Don't you quit, because you may not get the A but you will be able to say you overcame something hard and you realized that you have strength in other things. That's beautiful.

So don't quit. Keep going. Fail a little and glory in your success because you can do it.

Saturday Stuff // Change

//

So as you all know, I normally don't write on Saturdays, but today I just felt like I needed to write. I needed to let some feelings out. And those feelings are about change. For a few years now, I've watched YouTube videos. I have watched people's lives on YouTube. Yeah, I know. I'm one of those people. And I've really enjoyed it. Well recently, one of my favorites YouTubers, Ingrid, posted this video about her January Favorites, but it wasn't like any other favorites where she only talked about makeup, music, and clothes. This one was about change. It was about life and the transitions we go through when it comes down to it. At the end of her video she asked a question to her viewers. She asked what we think change is. Is it something that we should seek out or is it something that we should let run its course, and it really brought my thoughts in a whirl because I'm always thinking about change. I am. Change is all around me. Change is real. Change is good. Change is bad. Change is ever-evolving. Change is unexpected and change is expected all at the same time.

So do I seek after it? Or do I let it happen when it needs to and just like Ingrid, I think it's all in the middle. Change is the middle man. The liaison. The pain. The joy. The new beginning. Change can be your best friend or it can be the knife driven through your back.

In my life, there have been times where all I've done is seek out change. I've yearned for it. I've desired change so deeply that it has brought the saltiest of tears to my eyes and the strongest of anguish. And of course there was an opposite. There have been times where I've pushed any change away. I've knashed my teeth at it. I've tried to strike it away. And oh yes...

Oh yes there have been times where I've just accepted it, where I have greeted it like an old friend that has come around again.

I think we all need change. It's a must in life. She also mentioned reflection. Yes, reflection. I hate it and love it all at the same time. Reflection makes me vulnerable because it makes me realize where I fall short, but it also tells me where I've succeeded and where I'm going and who I'm becoming. Thank goodness for reflection. Change brings about reflection. So thank goodness for change too. Thank goodness for something that makes me think. Thank goodness for change that makes me want to be better.

Yeah, I know...sometimes change is the worst. Sometimes our bodies change in ways we don't want them to. Sometimes change rips our heart out. Sometimes it leaves us worn out, but I know that the sun rises the next day and that things work out. They really do.

So if there is a change you want to make or see  in your life, GO MAKE IT HAPPEN! Go get that change. Go embrace it!

And if there is a change happening right now in your life that's just getting the best of you, that's making you think that you're not good enough, or that's dimming your glorious and everlasting light, grab it by the horns and turn it. Turn it for your own good. Look it right in the eye and say, "You're not conquering me today, there is no way. Today you are MINE!" Then conquer it!

If you need the extra strength, let me be that strength. Let me be your shoulder. I will be that.

Hello Change, I'm ready for you.

Monday Musing // Warmth

//

It's raining outside today. Rainy days are meant for cozy beds and warm drinks with frothy sweetness. It's not the kind of rainy day where you can go outside and dance in it with just a t-shirt and shorts. It's the rainy day that chills your bones and gets you down to your toes. It should be against the rules to go out on a day like this to face the chunks of dirty icy snow and cold drips of water. Stay inside, I say. Stay inside in the fuzziest blanket. Stay inside and eat a heaping bowl of soup. Aw those are the days. Fresh baked bread and a candle that smells like spicy woods.

But when you can't stay inside, when you have to go outside, go outside and spread warmth. Don't make excuses, just do it. Spread all the warmth you can. Be the person that warms others up like the blanket, the candle, the soup, the sweet froth. Be that person.

I try to keep a record of those people in my life. Once I wrote about a man with silvery hair climbing up a hill. I wrote about a boy who opened a door for me. I wrote about a love I once felt. I write about the love I feel now. I write about how I want to pay it forward. Now I must.

Today I write about one of my dearest friends who warmed me today. She sent me an email and it enveloped my heart into a homey little hug. People don't know how their words and thoughtfulness can make an impact. Simple things can make the most beautiful and love-growing things happen. Thank you, Talor. Thank you for being my blanket, soup, and fresh baked bread. This was a quote from the email written by Hannah Brencher. You can replace "Hannah B." for your own name.

"Hannah B— you deserve really good things. You deserve all the things you’re afraid to ask for. Long nights full of good conversation. A chance to start over. Sundays where you don’t work. A great love of your life. Don’t be afraid to ask for it. Don’t be afraid if these things come your way. You’ve been afraid to say “yes” for a really long time. Maybe it’s time, Hannah B. Maybe it’s time to say yes"

And then after reading this...I looked out the window to the cold I had to face and I saw all the people I wanted to make warm. And I saw the misty mountains and the soaked trees with the reaching branches. And I saw the wet pavement and I thought of the feet that cross it every day and I thought of all the people again, and then this song came on my spotify, and it was like a movie moment. 

"May the wind be always at your back, and the sun shine warm upon your face. May the rains fall soft upon your fields until the day we meet again. And the roof that hangs over your head find you shelter from the storm. Before the devil knows you're dead, may it be in heaven my friend. May good love find you at your worst and bad love lose you at  your best. May the days be rich and full of wealth, and the nights be long when you need rest." --Delta Spirit, Devil Knows You're Dead

So I'm going to spread my warmth. May the wind be always at your back my friends, and may the sun always shine warm upon your face, because you deserve it.

+ s t a y // g o l d

Observed // I can't do it alone

p h o t o 

Today, I broke down.

Today, I realized that I really can't do it alone. I just can't. As much as I think I'm invincible and I'm strong and I'm fearless and I'm super-woman. I'm not. And I'm not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to be angry or to cry, even though sometimes I feel that way, I'm saying these things because I feel like giving up and I can't because I also see where I'm going.

When your husband is recovering from an extensive reconstructive surgery, your life is 100% dedicated to his needs. But life also expects you to be 100% dedicated to school and work and callings and pinterest and blogs and instagram and everything in between.

That's just not possible. It's not possible for me. I can't do it.

As much as I pray that I can. I can't.

God has granted me with far more serenity for far other things. For things that matter most really.

But it's hard to see that.

It's hard to see that I can't do it all.

Listen, I have worked out in over a month. My body is feeling it.

I haven't cooked a solid meal in days. The time is slipping for me.

I might need to take Tyler to the doctor again because of reactions to medication and the pain being SO excruciating at times despite medication that Tyler almost passes out.

It's overwhelming and it's humiliating to my soul and it tears my heart out and I just can't do it.

I almost want to say that NO 21 year old girl should feel this way.

I shouldn't feel this pressure. Why does school want me to be perfect, why is this happening? Why is that happening?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I can't tell you why. I mean I could say something from a conference talk and I could think of my own philosophy but for right now I'm going to rely on comforting words from my mom and the small little smidgen of peace that is still left in my heart.

Because that's all the strength I have left.

That's all. And I need that strength to help Tyler get to bed and brush his teeth and go to the bathroom and eat. I need it. It's all I have left.

Terrific Tuesday // Today I feel...

p h o t o 

Today I feel...

Infinite. 

Inspired.

Strong but scared. 

Secure but so insecure at the same time. 

Featherweight. 

Full of love.

Full of trust. 

Full of patience but not with the acting skills to show it. 

Sound. 

Like a wanderer. 

Throughtful. 

Fearful. 

Brave. 

Loving. 

Peaceful.

Light. 

Rebellious 

Different. 

New.

Like I can do it. 

Gold. 

Say goodbye to things that hurt you.

Say goodbye to things that hurt you.

Say hello to the good that can stay.

Say no to the voices in your head that tell you you're not good enough.

Say yes to the voices that say you are.

Throw away chaos that hurts your soul.

Keep the peace that speaks to your heart.

Throw away possessions that are wearing you down.

Gather new treasures and hide them in your heart.

Stop looking in the mirror in shame and disgust.

Start wearing the clothes on your back with confidence and strength.

Forget the people who tear you down.

Remember that feeling that gave you the strength to carry on.

And say goodbye to the things that hurt you.

Say hello to the good that can stay.

Terrific Tuesday // #PinsMyMomSendsMe

p h o t o 

My mom is a gem. She's a gem for a countless number of reasons. She's a bomb cook. She's so in shape it puts all the other in shape people to shame. 

She is kind. She is giving. She is a perfect listener. She is practically perfect in every way.

Oh and she sends me pins. Like a lot. She sends me one probably every single day. Multiple times a day. And I love it. Some are style pins. Most of them are. They are all spot on. Totes spot on. Lately, she has been sending me quote pins, and she sent me this one today. 

Today I was feeling pretty stressed, lethargic, and unmotivated. I was comparing myself to people. I was getting myself down, and then the email notification that she sent me a pin popped up in my inbox and I was instantly refreshed and comforted by my mom and this pin. 

Can I get an amen, preach, and hallelujah? Say no to that unnecessary crazy, people. It's not even worth it. The crazy in our head, in our life, at work, at night, at lunch, at whatever. Just say no to it! 

Be gone unnecessary crazy. Hello, necessary crazy!

And you, yes, you reading this...STAY FLIPPEN GOLD! 

p.s. happy birthday Karly! I love you to pieces. If I were gus gus I would carry a thousand corns for you.

Terrific Tuesday // Back to Basics

p h o t o 

You should all be smiling. Smile, because there are so many reasons to. Today, on this very fine Tuesday, I am bringing us back to the basics. A basic list of things that have been making me incandescently happy lately. (Not including Tyler because he always makes me happy and I don't want people's panties getting in bunches over me not mentioning him. Come on, people!)

So here it is...

A list of things that are making Dani real darn happy lately...

1. Working out. I know, I'm sorry I had to say it. I have had my fair share of body image issues lately. You probably know this if you follow my instagram or if you actually read my posts, but yeah. Insecurities, they are real things. But my mom, my precious mom sent me this article a while back, and it really has inspired me. Her method works, my friends. I am trying it and I already feel like myself again. Sometimes you just need that encouraging and healthy push. Read this, this, and this for extra. (Not to be one of those people, but I am actually currently writing this right after doing her "at home" workout and I feel like death. I look like it too, but I feeeeel gooood.) Okay I'm done. I promise it will only come up again subtly next time.

2. My Freshman roomie and her husband are moving into our complex! YES!

3. Human Nature by Michael Jackson

4. My Dreaming of Honeysuckle Northbound Candle. I always get compliments on it. People always want to know what's burning. Always. But not in that icky burnt food kind of way.  Talor, you have brought beautiful scents into our home. Thank you!

5. The Gap. Holy cow, forget J.Crew I am all about The Gap right now. And that's perfectly fine by me. Don't get me wrong, I love J.Crew but that stuff is expensive and if I want my fashion fix, I am only allowed my allotted budget. Plus, The Gap reminds me of a cheaper and probably lesser quality Madewell...again though, fine by me. The more money I save, the better.

6. Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran 

7. One of my supervisors compared me to a breezy ocean today. My heart swelled.

8. Pizza and Sleepless in Seattle. Tom Hanks reminds me of Tyler. Meg Ryan peeling the apple. And pizza. Yes. So happy.

+ h a p p y // t u e s d a y

& 

+ s t a y // g o l d

Monday Musing // I don't even know what to blog about...

my brain right now

Yeah, I don't know what to blog about. I am kind of thinking that a hiatus is in order. Maybe after this week. I don't want to force anything. I do have a fun summery post ready for Wednesday, it's going to be great. Just fantastic and fun, really. Maybe just stay tuned for that. 

I just started a really good work out regimen. I started using My Fitness Pal. I will have gotten some pretty rad sandals by the time you read this. I am on the hunt for light wash jeans that I can wear in the office. I let go of a pair that cost only $12.97 at the Gap. I think I am going to run back tomorrow and see if there is anyway or any hope that someone didn't snatch them up. If you know of any great places that sell really nice jeans for a good price, let this chica know. I am the queen of jeans, but I really can't wear the same pairs every single day of the week. I need some variety and some light wash in my life. 

The fourth of July is this week. Oh what fun. Bring on the watermelon and corn on the cob. Tyler has never done street fireworks so that will be new and the carne asada will be prime. 

Every single day I learn a little more about myself, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I really like to learn about myself. The little hidden quirks that come to light. The insecurities that I overcome. The warmth I feel within me. It's a good feeling. Have any of you experienced something like that? 

And now to conclude...some songs that I have been digging...just two so I don't spoil the playlist. 

It's All Coming Back to Me Now by Celine Dion 

& 

When I Fall in Love by Sam Cooke 

+ h a p p y // m o n d a y 

& 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

p.s.  feel free to share some of your musings with me.