Observed // Me 4 (???)

Sunday, April 19, 2015


Just yesterday, I was at the mall celebrating the completion of my accounting final. Tyler had to be on campus for another three hours, and the Gap was having a grand reopening so naturally, I went and ate cookies and popcorn and avoided people that kept asking me if I needed anything.

"No, I'm just looking and yes...I've been here for three hours, I know."

I bought one thing. I'm really bad at this capsule thing, but don't worry I'm trying and I'm setting new goals. Anyway. While I was looking around just perusing the new arrivals and fast fashion things that would dissolve in your wash, I was also thinking about life and stuff and feelings and how the world spins madly on without you and you just need to catch up or slow down or do whatever makes you feel the best. And I was really thinking about my tendency to avoid all people.

We all do this, we all avoid common places because of the people we might just see.

Whilst in H&M looking at this incredibly beautiful but extremely poorly made necklace (it was already rusting) Poor form, H&M. I saw a few people that I know. One of them was in the checkout line, I felt like calling out to her saying, "Hey Sarah!" but she was totally in the zone. That zone where you've been waiting in the H&M line for over an hour, I exaggerate, and you are just ready to get your adorable striped blouse and go, because H&M is all about the striped blouse and that rusty necklace was just a bad egg out of all the really good ones. The zone that I created for her to justify NOT saying hi to her.

And maybe this is too existential, but I felt a little lonely not calling out to her. I felt a little lost. Why didn't I do it? Why do I separate myself from people that I genuinely like? Why don't I call out more? Why do I go it alone so much?

I saw someone else. A high school friend, Cara. I thought she was a worker at first, but she called out to me.


"Oh hi, Cara!"

That was a little tender mercy to me. I was so absorbed in clothes and in my own self-reflection and sort of self-pity and anxiety that her calling out to me really meant something.

She had a bunch of boys shirts because she's going to the BYU Jerusalem Center and I felt really happy for her. Really excited, because I've heard great things. And I felt bad for ever thinking bad things about myself.

I often regret how I didn't do study-broads or how i didn't kiss more boys or how I didn't make more friends or how I didn't do that thing at that time with that person or with that opportunity.

But I listened to her talk about how she needs flowy tops and I looked at all of her choices and i thought she looked adorable and then I thanked her inside my head for talking to me, because sometimes you need people to remind you about what you have. You need people to remind you that being open and being happy with your life is okay.

You need people to remind you that it's okay to talk to someone you haven't talked to in a long time.

It's okay to call out. You don't have to shrink away because you don't want to be judged or you don't want to be asked that question or you don't want to feel regret about something that happened so long ago or you don't want to be reminded of what you don't have.

You need people to remind you about what you do have. 

And I know this sounds so incredibly silly, shopping at the mall, thinking about life, but it wasn't silly to me. It was something I needed. I needed to be more willing to be warm and open.

Closed and cold is what i've been doing lately, and I don't want to do it anymore.

Good vibes, only. Because good vibes will follow you. Don't wallow in your stress. Face it head on. Be of good cheer as they say it, because people want you. People think you're great and you should start thinking the same about other people.

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