Observed // Oh there has been quite the dry spell...

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

And I can't really make excuses except for the fact that school is always making me busy. I'm just busy with school, and it makes me sad, because I know I'm neglecting my dear, old friend...the blerg, I mean blog. Yes, dear blog, I'm neglecting you, and for that I am truly sorry.

The dry spell all started when I came to terms with my issues with food. Coming to terms with issues that you have is a really vulnerable experience. Vulnerable experiences are the worst. They really make you feel naked. They make you feel like you've taken 10,000 steps back.

I never thought I had a problem. I always thought I was just fine.

"Oh, that could never happen to little, old me...oh wait...it already did."

See what I mean?

Now, I'm not going to go into deep and gritty details about my struggles. I'm doing fine right now, honest. I really am. Things are good. Ups and downs happen every day, but ain't that life? It's life! Everybody say it, it's life. I really evaluated some things that were happening, and I made some decisions that were better for me.

For example, I really cut down who I was following on social media. Sure, I had this mad feeling that I was missing out, but I realized that I was missing out on things that were bringing me down. So why not miss out on that shiz? Yeah, why not?

Another example, I stopped shopping every week. I was shopping every week. I am so ashamed to say that. It's been hard. I've messed up. I've had to try again, but I'm making progress and I have a really good friend named Tyler Abbott who helps me. He's a really good counselor, too bad, I'm not sharing. If you want to know more about what I'm doing (capsule wardrobe) just let me know. We can talk about it. You'll help me!

One more example, I started surrounding myself with people that lifted me up. Not to be selfish, I mean I try to lift them up too, but I surrounded myself by the most uplifting and encouraging and inspiring people. I wish I could see more of those people. I miss you, Karly. I miss you ,Talor. I wish I wasn't so overwhelmed with school and life and responsibilities. I think I need to make the time, but that's another thing. I have to make a lot of time for myself nowadays. Time where I can be alone. Time when I can meditate and reflect. That's needed.

One thing that I'm trying to do is not worry every waking moment about school. My major is one, big, fat, horrific competition. I hate it. But it's too late to get out and I am so close to being done, so I can't give up now, but I can do things to make me less miserable where I am.

Here's the thing, I always tried to push my trials and emotions away; I never let myself accept the reality of my mind, my body, my heart, my soul, my life. Once I did, it hurt like hell, but now that I'm learning to cope, I'm finding peace. I'm finding joy. I'm finding love. That's really great, don't you think? Finding love for yourself is probably the most liberating feeling. It's the most overwhelming thing too. Your heart bursts. Your heart sings. You love someone so deeply like a spouse or a mom or a dad or a sibling, but when you love yourself...it's hard to explain but it's like gold.

So I chose a dry spell. Or the dry spell chose me? Part of me let it happen because I had to put my efforts elsewhere. You really gotta take care of yourself. Eventually, a rainstorm will fill you up with the coolest and most refreshing waters. You just have to wait for it. You can even run to catch that dark but hopeful cloud. Dark as in it's filled with that water to get you out of your drought.

So if you're in a drought. If you're having your dry spell. Live it out. Endure it well. Deserts are beautiful. Oasis's are even more beautiful, peace and self-discovery in both are the loveliest feeling of all.

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