New Mercies

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


I'm really bad at forgiving myself. And for a long time I have not been able to forgive myself. I haven't been able to forgive myself for getting this way (gaining 30 pounds). I haven't been able to forgive myself for not working out every day, for eating that food, for saying that thing, and the list goes on and on and on.

And while I haven't been able to forgive myself, I've trapped myself. I've put myself in this little cage of self-loathing and self-pity and self-pride and self-everything that's not good for you.

So every time I made a "goal" to get better, a "goal" to lose 30 pounds, a goal to work out rigorously every day, this toxic cage would just fuel these goals and so I would give up. Truly they were all unrealistic. Truly they kept me from listening to my own body. These goals only added to this toxicity surrounding my life. All of this, because I couldn't forgive myself. All of this because I couldn't let go and listen to my body and love myself.

Time and time again I have seen the quote on pinterest that we are our own worst critics, and it's completely true. We definitely are. I didn't realize how I was trapping myself inside that nasty little cage. I was becoming one of those mean girls. Mean to herself and projecting her mean-ness to others. I wasn't letting the pure, clean and sweet feeling of forgiveness and love and freedom envelope me because I was afraid. I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of not seeing any progress. I'm afraid of going back to that spiraling lifestyle of "it's my body I can do what I want to."

Sure it is your body, but remember that your body needs nurturing. It needs to be taken care of! This doesn't mean you have to be the skinniest or the perfectly curviests or the one with the most muscles, but you have to be kind to it.

Being kind to your body will be the most freeing thing you do in your life. I've done it once. I was struggling with a living situation I was in. I needed to get out and taste some fresh air. So I ran every day or I went to the gym and lifted weights. It was the happiest I ever felt. I was drinking a lot of water. I was eating good food too, it wasn't even the healthiest food but it was good. I felt balanced, but I let the negativity of life (and insecurities I believed about myself) and my situation overcome me and I spiraled. I found that cage and thought I found refuge, but I didn't.

I've only been here for a day, in California I mean, but I already feel myself going on this little journey. A little journey of self-discovery and reflection. These journeys are really hard sometimes, but they are completely necessary for our growth and progression in this mortal existence.

My Abby (mother-in-law) and I were talking about prioritizing our lives yesterday. She told me that she wanted to prioritize reading her scriptures. Her bishop at church told her that the most important things come before others. Simple, right? Yeah, except think about all the times that you put the not-so-important things in front of other things because it was more convenient? So her bishop offered a challnege to the congregation.

In your mind, think of all the things you do in your daily routine. Now think of the things that you are omitting that are actually really important. Now, say the following...

"I have a lot of things to do in a day, but before I do *blank* I will do *blank*. For Abby it was before I get out of bed, I will read my scriptures.

For me it's a little different and I'm still figuring it out, but I thought that was a good way to look at life. It's all about listening to your body and listening to your lifestyle. You know you better than anyone else. This prioritizing might be for a personal study habit or a personal workout routine or for anything else for that matter, but just know it's for you. (I'm saying this mostly for me, haha.)

So that's what I'm going to do. Prioritize.

Now just one more thing...forgiving yourself. You have to let yourself do it. Even if you mess up your  priorities. Even if you are trying to mend a broken relationship, a broken dream, a lost joy, a lost motivation. You have to forgive yourself because it will set you free. Now i know I just said that, but you need to realize this one more thing...

Every day you have a new mercy. You don't only get a new mercy in January when you make those resolutions. You don't only get new mercies at church or at the beginning of a new job or only when something great happens or only when times are tough. You get a new mercy every single day. The moment you wake up a new mercy begins. No matter what your life is like you get one.

As I've battled my problems with eating and distorted body image, one of the best things I could do for myself was forgive myself EVERY day.

I watched a video by one of my favorite fitness gurus and she said to be healthy in every aspect of your life you have to forgive yourself every day. Not just on Tuesdays or Fridays or "cheat days" (I hate that phrase, btw), but EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Every day is a new opportunity. Every day you get new lovely little mercies to help you keep going. Those mercies are telling you, "You can do it. You're doing great. Look at you, you beautiful and awesome you! You're doing great. I'm proud of you."

Believe in your new grace every single morning, you guys. Believe in it with all of your guts and grit, because it's totally and completely real. You don't have to be trapped in that cage of blame and sadness and guilt. This guru also said that we need to stop trapping ourselves in the "I can't do this, I can't eat that, I need to work out."

YOU DON'T NEED TO DO ANYTHING BUT LOVE YOURSELF! When you love yourself, you ultimately want to do good for yourself. You want to take care of yourself. I didn't learn that all on my own. I have a lot of people who help me along the way. You have me! I have you. We can do this together.

Be free and believe in new mercies.

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