Something You Should Know

//

It's no secret that I have struggled with a distorted body perception of myself for a long time.

I haven't even been able to truly express my feelings about it, because I am still trying to figure out how I feel.

I definitely DO NOT like feeling this way, especially when everyone looks at you and tells you that you're beautiful and that you're "not fat" and that you have nothing to worry about. It's hard not believing them.

The fact of the matter is, I have a problem. I have a problem with food and my body as a couple. I have a really hard time. Saying that I have a "hard time" doesn't really cut it.

My hard time is me staying up at night worrying about looking in the mirror the next day. My hard time is thinking about everything I eat. I will worry about even the healthiest thing. I don't know exactly how this all started, but I really want it to go away.

I don't know if it ever will go away, but I'm tired of this. I've learned so much about myself no doubt, but I don't want to be afraid of exercise or food or anything good for my body anymore. I want to believe in myself. I want to be hopeful. I don't want to be afraid to take pictures. Gosh, I hate taking pictures, because I hate seeing how I look. I used to be so joyful. I used to be so happy with myself. I used to be so comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure how I can make this go away. But oh, how I wish it would.

It's a terrible feeling to know that you see something completely different in the mirror that everyone else DOESN'T see.

It's a terrible feeling when you start a workout and you are going strong, but then you convince yourself that it doesn't even make a difference and you see "the next best workout" here or "this workout doesn't work anymore, but this one does" there.

Often I ask myself, why is this happening to me? Why do I see something I don't like in the mirror? From a very young age I was taught that I am of divine worth and that I am a creation of my Heavenly Father and that I should love myself. For a long time I believed it. Sometimes I still do, but that doesn't always help. I feel pressure. I feel pressure when I look at girls and their what seems to be perfect workout routines. I feel pressure when I see girls who look beautiful in clothing that I feel like I could never look beautiful in. I hate to admit this, but I get angry when I see anyone who feels comfortable about the way they look, because i am jealous. I want to feel that way too. Just telling myself that I am a Daughter of God and that I should love my body isn't enough. I've read my scriptures. I've said my prayers. I've done everything good, but it doesn't go away.

Some days it does though and so I get confused. I feel so guilty for not being okay.  The cycle is vicious. Oh so vicious.

But a lot of the time it rears its ugly head back at me and I'm back to square one. So where do I go from here? I'm not quite sure. It's hard being so vulnerable. It's hard knowing that you really can't have everything the way you want it be. So I will leave you with this...

On days where I am feeling particularly down on myself I ground myself in things that make me happy.

1. I am grateful for my feet. They can take me 40,000  steps in two days at Disneyland.
2. I am grateful for my body when it tells me what makes me feel sick. I recently had to cut out milk, ice cream, and cheese from my diet because I think I might be lactose intolerant, but I'm really grateful that my body will talk to me and tell me what is good and bad.
3. I am grateful for my hands. They have played beautiful music. They have held beautiful hands. They have given me mobility and the sense of touch.
4. I am grateful for the marks on my thighs and hips. Some days I think they are ugly, but others I see them and notice progress and progression and phases of life.
5. I am grateful for my eyes that see the beauties of this earth. And I am grateful for the tears they shed in pain and in happiness.

Today that is what I am grateful for. I still have a way to go, but thank you body for not giving up on me even on the days that I have given up on you. Thank you for pushing me in the most gentle way. And thank you God, thank you for creating bodies so that we may be more like you. Thank you for giving me the power to create.

And thank you to anyone who is reading this. I can't really, truly write all that I feel right now. It's very hard for me to talk about, but thank you for being open-minded and thank you to everyone in my life who has shown me the greatest amount of empathy when they could have just brushed all of my emotions and heartaches aside.

"Be kind regarding human frailty..."

New Mercies

//

I'm really bad at forgiving myself. And for a long time I have not been able to forgive myself. I haven't been able to forgive myself for getting this way (gaining 30 pounds). I haven't been able to forgive myself for not working out every day, for eating that food, for saying that thing, and the list goes on and on and on.

And while I haven't been able to forgive myself, I've trapped myself. I've put myself in this little cage of self-loathing and self-pity and self-pride and self-everything that's not good for you.

So every time I made a "goal" to get better, a "goal" to lose 30 pounds, a goal to work out rigorously every day, this toxic cage would just fuel these goals and so I would give up. Truly they were all unrealistic. Truly they kept me from listening to my own body. These goals only added to this toxicity surrounding my life. All of this, because I couldn't forgive myself. All of this because I couldn't let go and listen to my body and love myself.

Time and time again I have seen the quote on pinterest that we are our own worst critics, and it's completely true. We definitely are. I didn't realize how I was trapping myself inside that nasty little cage. I was becoming one of those mean girls. Mean to herself and projecting her mean-ness to others. I wasn't letting the pure, clean and sweet feeling of forgiveness and love and freedom envelope me because I was afraid. I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of not seeing any progress. I'm afraid of going back to that spiraling lifestyle of "it's my body I can do what I want to."

Sure it is your body, but remember that your body needs nurturing. It needs to be taken care of! This doesn't mean you have to be the skinniest or the perfectly curviests or the one with the most muscles, but you have to be kind to it.

Being kind to your body will be the most freeing thing you do in your life. I've done it once. I was struggling with a living situation I was in. I needed to get out and taste some fresh air. So I ran every day or I went to the gym and lifted weights. It was the happiest I ever felt. I was drinking a lot of water. I was eating good food too, it wasn't even the healthiest food but it was good. I felt balanced, but I let the negativity of life (and insecurities I believed about myself) and my situation overcome me and I spiraled. I found that cage and thought I found refuge, but I didn't.

I've only been here for a day, in California I mean, but I already feel myself going on this little journey. A little journey of self-discovery and reflection. These journeys are really hard sometimes, but they are completely necessary for our growth and progression in this mortal existence.

My Abby (mother-in-law) and I were talking about prioritizing our lives yesterday. She told me that she wanted to prioritize reading her scriptures. Her bishop at church told her that the most important things come before others. Simple, right? Yeah, except think about all the times that you put the not-so-important things in front of other things because it was more convenient? So her bishop offered a challnege to the congregation.

In your mind, think of all the things you do in your daily routine. Now think of the things that you are omitting that are actually really important. Now, say the following...

"I have a lot of things to do in a day, but before I do *blank* I will do *blank*. For Abby it was before I get out of bed, I will read my scriptures.

For me it's a little different and I'm still figuring it out, but I thought that was a good way to look at life. It's all about listening to your body and listening to your lifestyle. You know you better than anyone else. This prioritizing might be for a personal study habit or a personal workout routine or for anything else for that matter, but just know it's for you. (I'm saying this mostly for me, haha.)

So that's what I'm going to do. Prioritize.

Now just one more thing...forgiving yourself. You have to let yourself do it. Even if you mess up your  priorities. Even if you are trying to mend a broken relationship, a broken dream, a lost joy, a lost motivation. You have to forgive yourself because it will set you free. Now i know I just said that, but you need to realize this one more thing...

Every day you have a new mercy. You don't only get a new mercy in January when you make those resolutions. You don't only get new mercies at church or at the beginning of a new job or only when something great happens or only when times are tough. You get a new mercy every single day. The moment you wake up a new mercy begins. No matter what your life is like you get one.

As I've battled my problems with eating and distorted body image, one of the best things I could do for myself was forgive myself EVERY day.

I watched a video by one of my favorite fitness gurus and she said to be healthy in every aspect of your life you have to forgive yourself every day. Not just on Tuesdays or Fridays or "cheat days" (I hate that phrase, btw), but EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Every day is a new opportunity. Every day you get new lovely little mercies to help you keep going. Those mercies are telling you, "You can do it. You're doing great. Look at you, you beautiful and awesome you! You're doing great. I'm proud of you."

Believe in your new grace every single morning, you guys. Believe in it with all of your guts and grit, because it's totally and completely real. You don't have to be trapped in that cage of blame and sadness and guilt. This guru also said that we need to stop trapping ourselves in the "I can't do this, I can't eat that, I need to work out."

YOU DON'T NEED TO DO ANYTHING BUT LOVE YOURSELF! When you love yourself, you ultimately want to do good for yourself. You want to take care of yourself. I didn't learn that all on my own. I have a lot of people who help me along the way. You have me! I have you. We can do this together.

Be free and believe in new mercies.