On navy blue nails and chocolate fudge cupcakes...

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Yesterday was a nervous break down day. It just was. I wish there was a way to describe it fully, but mostly it consists of feeling overweight, pulling out hair, heavy breathing, tears, and a brief moment of lethargy where you can't get off the couch because the food network is way more important than doing the dishes. I don't use the term nervous breakdown like an adjective. It's a noun, a verb, all of these above. I know them well. Well I used to know them really well. Back in high school. Went through one at least 3 times a week...but college changed a few things and now it's a big surprise when they happen and it's less than fun. In those break downs all of my insecurities that I have buried away show their faces. My anxieties and worries come out like an eel in murky water. It's paralyzing.

Unfortunately, in those moments I lose my morale and I lose my calm. My stress sky rockets and my palms sweat and I overeat. I do. Ramen Noodles, BBQ Meatballs, four chocolate fudge cupcakes. And then I feel guilty. And then that guilt paralyzes me and I sit on the couch watching food channel and painting my nails dark navy blue frantically because I have bitten them as far as they can go. When I should be doing homework, but when I reach this point I usually have a moment where my mind clears. And it's that thing us Mormons call a tender mercy. The tender mercy is sweet relief. It happens. I remember that everything is okay.

Normally, I wouldn't go through this part alone. Tyler is usually there to soothe my aching soul. He is there with his long, safe arms to stroke my hair, kiss my cheek, and wipe my eyes. Yesterday though, I was by myself in the house. Tyler came home and I looked up at him all weepy on the couch and the soothing and love commenced and everything felt better. Just sitting there on the couch with him talking about happy moments and blessings we have.

We both realized something...everyone has a struggle in their life. One time or another, we struggle. That is life. But life has a lot of incredibly beautiful moments. I see them every day. I saw them on that particularly hard day and I see them now. I hope you can see them, my friends. Life is beautiful may we never forget it.

Happy Tuesday. Stay gold.


  1. Dearest Dani,

    You are beautiful inside and out. You are one of the most amazing people I know. Maybe when you break down it is because the world cannot be as amazing as you, and your body doesn't quite know how to handle it. ;) I love you and miss you. Rock those navy blue nails and eat as many fudge cupcakes as you want. I'm so glad Ty is there for you always. Just think... You get him for eternity! We all have struggles, but we are better because of them. Have a wonderful Friday. :)

    Love you always,
    Miss Megan

  2. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks and I shovel anything and everything chocolate into my mouth before bursting into tears. Food is therapeutic and I love who you are. You are not ever alone.


Proudly designed by Mlekoshi playground