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What am I figuring out? My life? Yes. This playlist? Perhaps. My feelings about the future and where I'm going? Always.
Today is the last day of school. It's my second to last fall semester. Next semester I will have my last Winter. And then my last Spring/Summer in California and then the last semester of college ever. I'm nervous. I'm unsure, but I have this little light of peace in my heart. Deep down in the pits of my soul. A feeling of joy and peace that always warms me up when I'm sitting in the shower over thinking things. This light keeps growing even when I'm still trying to figure things out.
The light gets brighter when every day little things happen. Things that I don't expect.
For example, yesterday was the last day of my News Reporting class and I got the awarded "Most Dependable Reporter" for the Life Desk. I almost cried. I couldn't believe it. I spent the whole semester beating down on myself, and here was someone telling me I was good. Better than good. That I was great. Great at something that I have always wanted to do. I want to write. And I want to write the way I want to write. But I learned how to work with editors and I learned how to take criticism and I learned the brutality of deadlines and news publications. I learned things that made me better. I'm one step closer. Now I have a professional portfolio and I'm just one step closer.
This feels really good. It just does. I remember being so afraid. Afraid of moving up and doing things that I'm passionate about. Being afraid can either hurt you or be a catalyst to your success. Some days I let my fear take over me, but this semester I learned to fight it and let it drive me.
I don't know if I'll ever be a successful lifestyle writer or a contributor or editor for some fancy publication that advertises minimalist clothing or Scandinavian furniture and terrariums. I don't know if I will change the way girls look at their bodies. I don't know if NYFW will ever ask me to do an interview or comment on a designers line of work. All of those things would be pretty darn great. Working for one of these beautiful websites on the internet would be a dream. Being a Man Repeller is also a dream and seeing my face on the cover of something would be another dream. I have lots of dreams, but I can make small differences here and I can be where I am right now. I can share goodness here. Dreams are good to dream, but don't forget where you are and where it's taking you. Didn't Dumbledore say something like:
“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”
And don't forget the people that have held you up along the way. That's one of the greatest meanings of life. The people. The ones that are helping you along the way.And just to Christmas-fy this message...I would just like to say pass it along. Pass along the love and service and goodness. Lift where you stand. As cheesy as that sounds. Just do it. Don't forget to give back.
Because I have been given much, I too must give.
And now for a playlist full of songs that invoke contemplation and daydreams of good books, trees, rainy days, and coffee shop bagels.
1 // Turning Page by Native Men (Sleeping at Last cover)
Karly Jade, I just want you to know that I love you and I am so grateful for your friendship and your really great taste for beautiful music.
Tyler, I sometimes I replace the "she" with "he". Thanks for treating me well.
3 // River by Cee-Lo Green (Joni Mitchell cover)
Mom and Dad, this song makes me miss you so much I can't breathe, but I am grateful that you aren't far away. I know this Christmas I won't be with you and I'd like to get a river to skate away on, but I need to remember my new family and that you will always be my family. Sometimes I forget that. Merry Christmas you two. I love you. Thanks for all the other Christmases. I promise to be a the best daughter-in-law to the Abbotts.
To my baby girl. Thanks for showing me this gem. You showed it to me at a time where I felt really hopeless about school work and finals and everything school related.
To everyone who has brought "higher love" to me and who will bring it in the future.
Now let's jam.
+ s t a y // g o l d
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