Observed // Oh Hey

p h o t o 

Honestly, I don't even know what to write. All I know is that I promised to write this week. That's the thing about blogs, don't promise to write posts for them. It's like promising not to shop at H&M or Forever 21 anymore. You always end up going in because Madewell is too dang expensive and the other places are so trendy and cheap. Not blogging is less expensive.  Ok I don't know how that all connected, but it did in my head. It just did.  So here's a quick update on silly old me.

1. I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm learning about my story. It's kind of heartbreaking but kind of beautiful if I do say so. It's heartbreaking because I'm letting go of parts of myself that aren't that good but I thought they were for like my whole life existence, but I just realized that those parts were fragile and leaving little scars and feelings and insecurities. Some of them I'm holding on really tight to, but I know they need to float away and pop then fall back to the ground. Kind of like a balloon. Let it go and be sad for a little bit as it rises higher but then move on quickly because there is nothing you can do about it and it wasn't really worth getting upset over a balloon. And it's beautiful because I'm discovering new things that I really like. And I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I'm feeling some peace and acceptance. These beautiful things are becoming my strength. They are becoming hidden treasures. That's pretty cool when you think about it. Finding treasures hidden in your layers.

2. I'm almost done with school and that has to be the greatest feeling in the world. Only two more semesters and an internship in between. That feels really good. I have always had the goal to get a degree and graduate from BYU and it's happening. That makes me really happy. A goal I've had for 10 plus years is coming true.

3. I saw a quote the other day that really spoke to me. "There is something ugly about the flawless." Except for Jesus, of course. But yes, when people always have to put up a perfect persona I just feel icky. I like people that have tears smudged on their cheeks, hair a little disheveled, crooked smiles and hearty laughs that sound like they are deep from the belly. I like lipstick that isn't in the right place all the time and that fades to a stain. I like clothes that look like you just threw them on. I like rosy cheeks after the cold and I like people conquering their fears with guts and grit.

4. I've learned that crying isn't weakness and it's okay to cry. IT'S OKAY TO BE VULNERABLE! It's okay to admit that you are freaking out and don't know what to do. And it's okay to celebrate when EUREKA YOU'VE GOT IT!

5. I really like my driver's license picture. I remember I had to go to the DMV the day after Tyler had surgery and that morning was hell. Tyler was in so much pain it scared me and my mom. I didn't even put makeup on. I jumped out of the shower and went as fast as I could to the DMV just so I could get it over with and get back to him. I knew I looked terrible, but the picture doesn't look bad to me and that's the funny thing about expectations. We get all dressed up and we expect ourselves to look fiiiine in the pictures but then we get disappointed. Go in with low expectations and come out on top when you see how you really look.

6. You know when someone makes you upset or reminds you of things from your past and you're just so fed up and angry and the tears are so hot in your eyes because there are so many things that you want to say to them but it's in the past so you need to let it go? Yeah I had that feeling the other day. It was one of the hardest things I just wanted cry my eyes out and tell them to just go away and leave me alone. I wanted them to know how I felt manipulated and that I was done with them. And believe me I wouldn't be writing this if I hadn't talked to Tyler about this. So hopefully this doesn't sound too weird. But it was that one time when I was reminded about who I was two years ago. It reminded me of how young (yeah like I'm 100 years old now) I was and what I believed love and friendship was. And I'm just so grateful with where I am now. Like really.

7. One of my best friends Emilee just stopped by while I was writing this. Tyler said the best thing when she said "sorry for distracting you." He said, "Distractions are the best when they are people." I love him. I love her. People are great.

8. This song.

9. As much as I complain about things too much, life is pretty beautiful. It's all around grand and lovely and a good life.

10. I've kind of forgotten why I started writing...so I'm going to drift out. Until another time.

+ s t a y // g o l d