stuck

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my dearest friends, it's been a long time.

honestly, i thought i was done with this blog, but feelings and recent events in my life have brought me back.

right now, i'm stuck in the middle of something. the middle of life? maybe? the middle of growth? yeah, most likely. i don't know. just the middle.

i'm stuck in the middle of finding where i belong in this world.

it's always nice to belong. in life, there are places where you just belong, you know what i'm saying? like i belong at home with my favorite person (tyler). i belong at my job. i belong in certain places, but recently i've found that i don't feel like i belong in a place where i thought i belonged my whole life. that place is church... right now i feel really out of place with church. my whole life, i've been a part of this church and i've gained a testimony of this church, but recent events have really shaken me about this church that i still love and don't ever want to leave and that i still have a testimony of. sometimes it's hard to belong in a place that makes you soul-crushingly sad.

i've always felt like i've belonged in my family and my family has found peace and solace in this church, so what happens when someone in your family is told they don't belong in this church or that their future family does not belong in this said church? that's a hard pill to swallow.

my family has chosen to stick together and show an outpouring of love to our grieving friends and loved ones. we have also chosen to stick with the church and the gospel that makes us happy 99.9% of the time.

but i still feel wounded. even when i've made that decision. i feel so wounded. i feel weak. i feel disconnected. i feel like i still don't belong. my dad, in words of comfort, told me that he has never felt like he's found a place, but he's found a good enough place that will have to do. maybe i'll have to feel just like he does. maybe.

i tried to talk to a trusted friend about these feelings and i was addressed with apathy and misunderstanding. people who are not very close to situations don't understand. i don't hold it against this person, but it still hurt. i went to relief society that day holding back so many tears. holding back so much bitterness and anger towards the women around me. i felt isolated. i went home and buried my face in my pillow, a wave of emotions coming over me. a wave of fear. a wave of heartbroken remorse. i know this sounds dramatic but i felt truly and completely out of place. will i forever have to go to church and listen to people spout off their facebook statuses and articles like they are gospel? will another trusted friend react the same way?

tyler held me very close after church that day and he mourned with me. he showed me an outpouring of love that was pure and good and all that i needed. he did for me what i wanted those people at church to do. but i can't blame them. how were they to know? but still...i feel a little lost. and I still feel disconnected and i don't want to feel this way.

i'm not always sad though. sundays are just hard days right now and i just wanted to share some feelings because that's what i did on this blog. so yes, my return isn't very positive, but i wanted to share and actually ask for help.

HOW DO YOU FIND YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL LOST?

HOW DO YOU COPE WHEN YOU FEEL OUT OF PLACE?

The positive words and advice are always welcome.

Something You Should Know

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It's no secret that I have struggled with a distorted body perception of myself for a long time.

I haven't even been able to truly express my feelings about it, because I am still trying to figure out how I feel.

I definitely DO NOT like feeling this way, especially when everyone looks at you and tells you that you're beautiful and that you're "not fat" and that you have nothing to worry about. It's hard not believing them.

The fact of the matter is, I have a problem. I have a problem with food and my body as a couple. I have a really hard time. Saying that I have a "hard time" doesn't really cut it.

My hard time is me staying up at night worrying about looking in the mirror the next day. My hard time is thinking about everything I eat. I will worry about even the healthiest thing. I don't know exactly how this all started, but I really want it to go away.

I don't know if it ever will go away, but I'm tired of this. I've learned so much about myself no doubt, but I don't want to be afraid of exercise or food or anything good for my body anymore. I want to believe in myself. I want to be hopeful. I don't want to be afraid to take pictures. Gosh, I hate taking pictures, because I hate seeing how I look. I used to be so joyful. I used to be so happy with myself. I used to be so comfortable in my own skin. I'm not sure how I can make this go away. But oh, how I wish it would.

It's a terrible feeling to know that you see something completely different in the mirror that everyone else DOESN'T see.

It's a terrible feeling when you start a workout and you are going strong, but then you convince yourself that it doesn't even make a difference and you see "the next best workout" here or "this workout doesn't work anymore, but this one does" there.

Often I ask myself, why is this happening to me? Why do I see something I don't like in the mirror? From a very young age I was taught that I am of divine worth and that I am a creation of my Heavenly Father and that I should love myself. For a long time I believed it. Sometimes I still do, but that doesn't always help. I feel pressure. I feel pressure when I look at girls and their what seems to be perfect workout routines. I feel pressure when I see girls who look beautiful in clothing that I feel like I could never look beautiful in. I hate to admit this, but I get angry when I see anyone who feels comfortable about the way they look, because i am jealous. I want to feel that way too. Just telling myself that I am a Daughter of God and that I should love my body isn't enough. I've read my scriptures. I've said my prayers. I've done everything good, but it doesn't go away.

Some days it does though and so I get confused. I feel so guilty for not being okay.  The cycle is vicious. Oh so vicious.

But a lot of the time it rears its ugly head back at me and I'm back to square one. So where do I go from here? I'm not quite sure. It's hard being so vulnerable. It's hard knowing that you really can't have everything the way you want it be. So I will leave you with this...

On days where I am feeling particularly down on myself I ground myself in things that make me happy.

1. I am grateful for my feet. They can take me 40,000  steps in two days at Disneyland.
2. I am grateful for my body when it tells me what makes me feel sick. I recently had to cut out milk, ice cream, and cheese from my diet because I think I might be lactose intolerant, but I'm really grateful that my body will talk to me and tell me what is good and bad.
3. I am grateful for my hands. They have played beautiful music. They have held beautiful hands. They have given me mobility and the sense of touch.
4. I am grateful for the marks on my thighs and hips. Some days I think they are ugly, but others I see them and notice progress and progression and phases of life.
5. I am grateful for my eyes that see the beauties of this earth. And I am grateful for the tears they shed in pain and in happiness.

Today that is what I am grateful for. I still have a way to go, but thank you body for not giving up on me even on the days that I have given up on you. Thank you for pushing me in the most gentle way. And thank you God, thank you for creating bodies so that we may be more like you. Thank you for giving me the power to create.

And thank you to anyone who is reading this. I can't really, truly write all that I feel right now. It's very hard for me to talk about, but thank you for being open-minded and thank you to everyone in my life who has shown me the greatest amount of empathy when they could have just brushed all of my emotions and heartaches aside.

"Be kind regarding human frailty..."

Saturday Stuff // Things you must know...

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Well, these things aren't a MUST on your "things you should know list," but hey just thought I would enlighten you.

1 // I got a job! I'm officially an Anthropologie employee. I needed a job. I have always wanted a job in fashion/retail. During the interview I felt like it was a good fit for me, and it's going to be a learning experience, but it's a beautiful and creative environment and this store is BEYOND dreamy. Plus, I'm a huge sucker for Anthropologie. You all knew that. AND that's all I'm going to say about that. If you have questions, send me a text. We can talk about this.

2 // Oh and I forgot to mention that I can't get you a discount. Sorry.

3 //  I have this cold that will never go away. I swear it won't. It set up camp and is here to stay. It even brought marshmallows for a good roasting.

4 //  If you are looking for a great sale, check out Old Navy's Memorial day sale (I know, I know, shopping is not what memorial day is all about) but seriously, this sale is rad!

5 // Much to my dismay, California has been dreary and overcast (they call it June gloom) for the past three days. Talk about a kill joy. I got a swimsuit, can I please get some sun now? #firstworldproblems #iknow

6 // To narrow down my closet even more, I started a "What do I Wear" journal and I love it. Yes, it took some time and it's an extra step to my daily routine, but it's helping me with the whole quality over quantity thing. There are different ways of doing this, but...

Here's what I do:

1. Get a journal and pen (how easy is that) HOLLA AT MY BAREFOOT CONTESSA.

2. Get dressed.

3. Make sure your journal/paper/notebook/slashwhatever is nearby. Oh and that pen, don't forget the pen.

4. Write down what you're wearing on a list.

5. Repeat, and when you repeat an item or an outfit (ahem...my distressed J.Crew jeans that I got for $24) put a star or check mark or tally or whatever indicating that you have repeated this item. I actually just started making a master list of my closet and I make a checkmark on that list.

This probably sounds lame and tedious, but I did this with meal planning and it really helped me see what dishes I truly enjoy making and eating. At the end of the summer, I am going to make sure to donate the items I've never worn more than once (ahem that linen J.Crew shirt that you had to have because it was only $14) (Except now i'm going to go wear it because...)

7 // If I can hear you chewing your gum..I really don't like you.

8 // That's all for today.

Sunday Stuff // On what I'm going through.

Hey there!

Happy Mother's Day to my best mom. Her name is Lys (pronounced: Leese) and she is everything I want to be when I grow up.

Ask anyone to describe my mom and they'll say she's an angel. Because she really is. She is an angel and she inspires me to stay gold. As cheesy as that sounds. She is a true gem and I thank God every day for blessing me with the loveliest of moms.

Anxiety is no stranger to this writing space of mine. I've talked about my experiences with anxiety several times. Anxiety isn't the new kid on the block. A lot of people have anxiety, but I don't think that makes my struggles little.

I'm just going through some anxiety right now. Social anxiety. Personal anxiety. I ate a five guys burger and fries anxiety.

The struggle is real. (Don't laugh...it really is real.)

I don't really want to talk about this on a day where I'm celebrating my mom, but I just needed to mention it because I'm not getting on social media for the rest of the day (except Snapchat...because, you know.) And I will be traveling to California all day tomorrow (after a trip delay of 4 days because of bad weather) And if I don't say something now...I won't get this weighty feeling off of my chest.

To my friends reading this, I'm sorry if I haven't been the best friend lately. When I go through anxiety attacks it's hard for me to put on a happy face and hang out with you. It's nothing personal, it's just hard. Putting on a happy face can get really heavy. Because when I'm with you, I'll compare myself to your words, your clothes, your body. It's true. Boy or girl. I will compare. That's what happens to me. It happens to a lot of people, but with the anxiety that I'm feeling right now that's just how it is. Also...I know a lot of people say they are bad at texting, but I'm really bad at texting. Ask my sister. I really didn't see one of her texts until 5 hours later. I try not to be glued to my phone because that gives me anxiety too.

Family anxiety. I am leaving my immediate family for four months. I come from a family where family is everything. I cling to them and it's almost a fault. So I've been trying to get as much time with them before I spend as much time with my new(er) family.

Social media anxiety. The truth is...social media is not good for me. It's just not. I look at it and I see all the faults in people and then I see faults in myself. This makes me sound like a really quality person, right? I know. I would much rather talk to a person without screens, without seeing what they blogged about, without seeing what clothes they bought, without all those things that separate people.

Body anxiety. I really really really really have issues with my body. There. I. Said. It. I have been promoting loving yourself but I haven't been completely honest. I have a distorted image of myself. And I want to fix that. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Some days are really good but some days are really bad. I'm trying to find a healthy balance in my life so here are some goals I made:

1. Do a physical exercise/activity for at least 30 minutes every day. That means I have to walk on Sundays.
2. Use MyFitnessPal as a food tracker (some people scoff at this, but for my body type, I need this). Track every day...even if you forget to track all of your meals, at least track liquids and snacks.
3. Look at myself in the mirror and say, "I can do anything good! And even if I don't see progress right away, I'm doing the right things today, because I can do anything great."

Ok...that felt really good to say.

Until next time friends.

P.S. DON'T COPY PEOPLE. BE YOURSELF. BE YOU BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE THAT IS YOUER THAN YOU.

Really though.

P.p.s. Thanks to everyone who has shown me so much love and patience. You know who you are. You really do. I love you guys.

p.p.p.s for anyone else that is feeling really dumb for not graduating...DON'T FEEL DUMB. Read this.

Wishlist Wednesday // This is not a fashion blog.

Let's play a game. Let's play "How wide can Dani open her mouth when she laughs." 

This is my favorite photo. It's so beyond cheesy, but I am all about the cheese. Gouda's my favorite. 

This should have been our engagement photo. 

No wait, this one's my favorite. The slip, people. The slip. 

We are not dirty dancing. I repeat we are NOT dirty dancing. 

I don't really know what to write today. I don't even know if I want to write on this blog anymore...for a while anyway. Listen up, some people are meant for blogs. Others not so much. I think I wanted to be one of those people that was all about the blog, but right now i'm a little disenchanted. I don't think that's so bad.

Lately, all I want to do is spend time with my family and listen to a lot of oldies. I'm all about the oldies. Right now, I'm watching my sister draw the most beautiful things. She's a real talent. Right now, instead of sitting at this screen I want to discuss the sagittarius constellation with her and I want to eat my mom's home-cooked meals and I want to take in the breeze. I also want to go to California. And we're doing that.

We're gonna live there for the next four months. And I've cried a little bit about it, but life is about the adventures. Some adventures are right in your home town others are hundreds or even thousands of miles away. But you're meant to go on them regardless of their proximity to home.

I'm going through some body insecurities right now. It's kind of hard for me to get out of these funks, but I think I can handle it.

That's why i'm a little disenchanted with this social media world filled with girls with the best hair, makeup, clothes and babies. I'm over it. I don't hate those girls, in fact a lot of them I am enchanted with, but sometimes it gets you down. A lot of people will tell me to just get over it because I'm jealous or something like that.  Sometimes you let them make you feel inadequate.

I don't want this blog to be a fashion blog. It's more of a personal lifestyle blog. Heck, it's just a blog. A plain, old, utah-mormon-girl-looking-for-an-outlet kind of blog. It's more for me, but for some people it's really helped them or been something they enjoy reading, so I would like to keep going. I think I just need to re-focus or what have you.

Let's re-focus together.

Dress: The Gap
Lips: Nars 'Cruella'
Glasses: Warby Parker

Update // A Birthday

You know those moments where your heart is just bursting because it's filled with the deepest love and appreciation for everyone around you? Yeah I'm having that heart-bursty moment, right now.

I had a birthday on Monday and it was the best day.

It really was.

How original, the best day being your birthday? Well I'm a sucker for the cliche. It was the best day filled with the best food and the best people.

Except for one thing...my parents didn't call me, what is up with that mom? Dad? No excuses. Jk...I called them the night before.

I'm not really going to talk about the presents I got, because isn't that sort of not classy? I just have to share one highlight gift though...Tyler got me the prettiest skirt that I had mentioned to him like back at the beginning of March. It was probably the sweetest thing. I just love that guy named Tyler that I live with.

What a cool guy. Sometimes he even rubs my back so I can sleep after having a scary dream. Yeah, I know!

But thank you to everyone who really made my day a strawberry lemonade with extra ice.

Observed // Oh there has been quite the dry spell...

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And I can't really make excuses except for the fact that school is always making me busy. I'm just busy with school, and it makes me sad, because I know I'm neglecting my dear, old friend...the blerg, I mean blog. Yes, dear blog, I'm neglecting you, and for that I am truly sorry.

The dry spell all started when I came to terms with my issues with food. Coming to terms with issues that you have is a really vulnerable experience. Vulnerable experiences are the worst. They really make you feel naked. They make you feel like you've taken 10,000 steps back.

I never thought I had a problem. I always thought I was just fine.

"Oh, that could never happen to little, old me...oh wait...it already did."

See what I mean?

Now, I'm not going to go into deep and gritty details about my struggles. I'm doing fine right now, honest. I really am. Things are good. Ups and downs happen every day, but ain't that life? It's life! Everybody say it, it's life. I really evaluated some things that were happening, and I made some decisions that were better for me.

For example, I really cut down who I was following on social media. Sure, I had this mad feeling that I was missing out, but I realized that I was missing out on things that were bringing me down. So why not miss out on that shiz? Yeah, why not?

Another example, I stopped shopping every week. I was shopping every week. I am so ashamed to say that. It's been hard. I've messed up. I've had to try again, but I'm making progress and I have a really good friend named Tyler Abbott who helps me. He's a really good counselor, too bad, I'm not sharing. If you want to know more about what I'm doing (capsule wardrobe) just let me know. We can talk about it. You'll help me!

One more example, I started surrounding myself with people that lifted me up. Not to be selfish, I mean I try to lift them up too, but I surrounded myself by the most uplifting and encouraging and inspiring people. I wish I could see more of those people. I miss you, Karly. I miss you ,Talor. I wish I wasn't so overwhelmed with school and life and responsibilities. I think I need to make the time, but that's another thing. I have to make a lot of time for myself nowadays. Time where I can be alone. Time when I can meditate and reflect. That's needed.

One thing that I'm trying to do is not worry every waking moment about school. My major is one, big, fat, horrific competition. I hate it. But it's too late to get out and I am so close to being done, so I can't give up now, but I can do things to make me less miserable where I am.

Here's the thing, I always tried to push my trials and emotions away; I never let myself accept the reality of my mind, my body, my heart, my soul, my life. Once I did, it hurt like hell, but now that I'm learning to cope, I'm finding peace. I'm finding joy. I'm finding love. That's really great, don't you think? Finding love for yourself is probably the most liberating feeling. It's the most overwhelming thing too. Your heart bursts. Your heart sings. You love someone so deeply like a spouse or a mom or a dad or a sibling, but when you love yourself...it's hard to explain but it's like gold.

So I chose a dry spell. Or the dry spell chose me? Part of me let it happen because I had to put my efforts elsewhere. You really gotta take care of yourself. Eventually, a rainstorm will fill you up with the coolest and most refreshing waters. You just have to wait for it. You can even run to catch that dark but hopeful cloud. Dark as in it's filled with that water to get you out of your drought.

So if you're in a drought. If you're having your dry spell. Live it out. Endure it well. Deserts are beautiful. Oasis's are even more beautiful, peace and self-discovery in both are the loveliest feeling of all.

Friday Favorites // Have a breezy weekend!

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1 // This is so important. I have been a victim of "theft" and I have probably been a perpetrator. Girls, we need to stop this. We do. We can. Let's stop it.

2 // Stripes, galore. Stripes some more!

3 // If you're in the market for new glasses, check out Warby Parker! 

4 // Great wardrobe staples! 

5 // This made me laugh, but really don't embarrass your guests. 

6 // One of the best #PFW moments. Blue steel? HECK YES!

7 // Have you watched Parenthood? I am obsessed with this show. Except Cristina Braverman is the most annoying mom. Am I the worst? Probably.

8 // Bachelor/ette fans, are you infuriated with the new Bachelorette twist? I sure am. STOP PITTING GIRLS AGAINST EACH OTHER!

9 // Celebs doing their own makeup? Yes!

10 // A street style look right up my alley. 

11 // Tom Hanks + Carly Rae Jepsen = heart eyes emoji

12 // HAH! A girl can dream right? 

13 // Dream closet. 

Playlist Thursday // New Glasses

So I tried #WarbyParkerHomeTryOn is that the hashtag? I have no idea! And I already knew which ones I wanted, but I did the try on anyway just to get a feel of Warby Parker, and a feel I did get and love I did find. 

These are my new glasses. Name coming soon. Style coming soon. Premiere of these glasses coming soon. They are my favorite things ever. Although they are not totally black,and although I've never seen her in tortoise glasses, I feel like Jenna Lyons. 

Right when I tried them on Ty said, "Oh, I like those! I'll have to get used to them, but I like those a lot." That's the thing about glasses, you get so used to them being on your face every day that it's like getting a whole new set of eyes. It's like welcoming a new friend to the party. It's like introducing that cooler more stylish friend to all your mediocre friends (my face ;) ;) ;)) it's like a fresh coat of paint and style. 

You may think they're over the top I think they are the greatest thing to ever happen to my face. 

Ok....one more thing though. I don't know if I can actually get them, because I don't know if Warby Parker will take my prescription. I have pretty terrible eye balls. Really great eye balls because I can still see, but they are progressively getting more blurry as the years go on, so cross your fingers and pray for me, because I need new specs, stats. The ones i have are falling apart. So pray! #PrayForDanisEyesSoTheyCanHaveNewGlassesFromWarbyParker. Spread that around, okay?

So if the stars align, a glasses unveiling will come up in a couple of weeks or like a month, but for now, here's a playlist. 

P.S. Sorry about not having links, blogger hates me tonight. Why, Blogger!? After all we've been through. You grotsky little....

1 // Sedated by Hozier 

2 // Work Song by Hozier 

3 // Take Me To Church (Hozier cover) by Ellie Goulding 

4 // Roslyn by Bon Iver feat. St. Vincent

5 // Adore You by Miley Cyrus

6 // Ten Cent Pistol by The Black Keys

7 // Ya Hey by Vampire Weekend 

Thursday Thoughts // This blog and expectations

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Hello friends,

I have been thinking a lot lately about steps I want to take with the blog. I am going to keep making steps. This blog isn't ending, but my expectations are changing. There are things I know you love and those will stay. Style Profiles will stay. Inspired posts will stay...Friday Favorites will stay. Everything will stay but there won't be every day posts every single week. Some weeks I want everything to do with the blog and others I just want to leave it alone. I'm saying this more for myself than for you. I just beat myself up every time I promise something and that something happens late. That's so backwards. Heck, this is my blog. I know you have expectations too but you're my friends so you'll forgive me if I don't have a Style Profile every week and if posts don't always line up and if I don't have a picture and if I don't talk about anything more deep than clothes and shoes and things that shine. I just don't know you see. I'm having one of those who am I becoming moments. Who do I want to be moments. Is this Dani being the Dani that she has the potential to be. Do I expect too much? Do I want to be too much? Am I hurting those around me because I'm trying to be something? Guys... I don't know. So please be patient with me. Please see that I'm passionate about this blog, but that life is still rolling on without me and maybe that means I'm more transparent or I'm more private or that I keep going on like I always have. Like I said I don't know, but I just want to say thanks for reading and thanks for sticking around during haitus's and thanks for dealing with me when I post everything all at once. I feel like I have the best people in this little space of mine. Sure, I'm not blog famous. Sure I probably never will be. And that's totally okay with me, because I want to know who I am and I want to like myself and I want to be someone that shares goodness. I want this to be a place for you too. A place where you can laugh and cry and share and enjoy. Thanks for letting me share little parts of me. The silly ones. The weird ones. The sad ones. The happy ones. The dreamiest ones from the depths of my glimmering soul. As cheesy as this sounds, thanks for staying gold with me and thanks for joining me on this journey to stay gold. Much love. See you tomorrow with a really great Friday Favorites. I'm pumped.

Monday Musing // The Things of 2014 Past

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Oh I didn't really feel like writing this blog post, but sometimes when I'm at the end of a very productive and tiring day, I feel the deepest need to express the words swirling in my mind trying to connect into much too lengthy and grammatically incorrect sentences.

2014 was an interesting year.

Quite the most interesting of my life, perhaps. So far.

Good things happened in 2014 and bad things happened too.

And so did things that helped me grow an inch or two. Literally, figuratively, whatevertively.

I celebrated a year of marriage to the coolest cat in 2014.

I took care of him at his weakest and I celebrated with him at his strongest.

I built a professional portfolio of written works.

I made new friends.

I let go of lost love.

I accepted my body more.

I accepted health and fitness more.

I met people who taught me light and goodness.

I excelled in things I wanted to excel in.

I found my voice.

I discovered my personal style. I refined it.

I found more and more of myself.

And I changed the parts that needed to change.

I let go of things that hurt me.

I fought with some that wouldn't budge.

And I discovered the most perfect little things that I like about my soul.

Some things I didn't like...

I gained pounds that eat away at me every day.

I cried a lot about silly things.

I looked at myself in the mirror a little too long and wept over scars, marks, and folds.

I contemplated calories and eating a little too much.

I ignored comments and words of affirmation.

I wept justified tears and I lashed out in anger at things not so justified and things of the past.

But despite those bad things, those demons that are still creeping up on me, I'm learning to be resilient.

I'm learning to fight back.

I'm learning to be a voice of courage and love and progress. Moving forward.

I learned about me this past year, and I plan to learn about myself even more.

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Terrific Tuesday // This is Tyler

This is Tyler. 

He is my very best friend. 

We've been best friends for a year and a few months now. 

He loves basketball, In-N-Out burger, video games, pretzels, the Lakers, fantasy football, volleyball, sour candy (kids, ropes, and rips preferred), books, Lord of the Rings, movies, Vampire weekend, writing and family. 

As for things he doesn't like, well there aren't very many things he doesn't like. 

He doesn't like it when I look at Instagram (or any social media for that matter. Social media is not his thing.) And he doesn't like shopping, but I can handle that. 

Oh and one more thing...he doesn't like it when people take gushy pictures. So no kissing pictures from us. 

Thankfully enough, he loves me. He probably should because we're married. 

We've been married for a year now. On December 28th to be exact. 

I'm really happy to be married to this guy for eternity. For anyone that doesn't know much about Mormons, we believe in marriage for ETERNITY. That's a really long time for some people. For me, that sounds just right. 

I want to be married to him for eternity. 

Don't you want your best friend for eternity? 

I sure do. 

I also sure did want to post pictures of my wedding on this blog post, but I can't find the CDs with all of our pictures on them. Please say a prayer in your heart that I find them or I'll be very upset about it. 

Please bless that I didn't throw them away in some weird clean-up fest. Amen.

Side note that's not really important: My computer crashed three, yes THREE times in 2014 without me having a substantial backup. So no Ty photos on this computer anymore. What you get is what you get. 

Anyway. So yeah. We're married. For over a year. A year and two days. So I thought maybe I would share a thing or two about Tyler that makes me love him so darn much. 

Or I don't know...maybe I'll just blubber about him. Either way, this post is about my best friend named Tyler who I'm married to for eternity. Because who wouldn't want that? 

First things first, everyone needs a Tyler. And pizza. Everyone needs a Tyler and a slice of pizza. That's the key to a beautiful and effervescently happy life, right there. 

Tyler's are kind, patient, and funny. They make you laugh at least five billion times a day. 

My Tyler does anyway. 

My Tyler will praise your cooking. Every single thing you make will be "RQ" or Restaurant Quality. After he's finished eating, he'll clean up all the dishes too. 

My Tyler needs to go on walk and talks. So you'll always be able to tell him your feelings and get exercise while you do it. 

He tells you you're beautiful every day and he so means it. 

My Tyler doesn't care that I have a particular interest towards grey sweaters. He supports that fetish. 

He will sing you songs and play games with you and most importantly eat treats with you. 

When he sings those songs he'll sing the songs wrong and then make excuses for it. 

Sometimes he'll get really close to your face and rest his forehead on yours and say, "I'm resting here. You're giving me strength." All while rubbing your really tired neck. 

He'll tell you when you finally get to bed and snuggle up in the covers that "This is my favorite time of day, the time where I get to be with you, in bed, all cozy, playing games on my phone and hearing you snore a little. I love this time of day the most because I get to watch you sleep so peacefully. 

Trust me not creepy. Totally dreamy. 

I could name a hundred things about my Tyler, but I'll just end with this.

My Tyler is a loving person. His love is as deep as the sea and as lovely as the sea breeze that makes the waves. He is cheerful in times of trouble. He does not raise his voice or get filled with anger. He teaches me so many things about love and life and God. He brings me closer to Him. He is a good person through and through. He is joyful and wonderful and perfect in every way...even when he is human. I love my Tyler and I wouldn't have him any other way.

So here's to eternity my sweet best friend. As cliche as that sounds. Here's to eternity. 

Never change. H.A.G.S. U.R. a QT. Kewl. Call me. (just kidding change when you need to, but make sure i'm on board with the change first) 

Glad we had this talk. 

NOW here's another picture. (double chins and all) 

WA-BLAM! 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Playlist Thursday: Figuring it out

p h o t o 

What am I figuring out? My life? Yes. This playlist? Perhaps. My feelings about the future and where I'm going? Always.

Today is the last day of school. It's my second to last fall semester. Next semester I will have my last Winter. And then my last Spring/Summer in California and then the last semester of college ever. I'm nervous. I'm unsure, but I have this little light of peace in my heart. Deep down in the pits of my soul. A feeling of joy and peace that always warms me up when I'm sitting in the shower over thinking things. This light keeps growing even when I'm still trying to figure things out.

The light gets brighter when every day little things happen. Things that I don't expect.

For example, yesterday was the last day of my News Reporting class and I got the awarded "Most Dependable Reporter" for the Life Desk. I almost cried. I couldn't believe it. I spent the whole semester beating down on myself, and here was someone telling me I was good. Better than good. That I was great. Great at something that I have always wanted to do. I want to write. And I want to write the way I want to write. But I learned how to work with editors and I learned how to take criticism and I learned the brutality of deadlines and news publications. I learned things that made me better. I'm one step closer. Now I have a professional portfolio and I'm just one step closer.

This feels really good. It just does. I remember being so afraid. Afraid of moving up and doing things that I'm passionate about. Being afraid can either hurt you or be a catalyst to your success. Some days I let my fear take over me, but this semester I learned to fight it and let it drive me.

I don't know if I'll ever be a successful lifestyle writer or a contributor or editor for some fancy publication that advertises minimalist clothing or Scandinavian furniture and terrariums. I don't know if I will change the way girls look at their bodies. I don't know if NYFW will ever ask me to do an interview or comment on a designers line of work. All of those things would be pretty darn great. Working for one of these beautiful websites on the internet would be a dream. Being a Man Repeller is also a dream and seeing my face on the cover of something would be another dream. I have lots of dreams, but I can make small differences here and I can be where I am right now. I can share goodness here. Dreams are good to dream, but don't forget where you are and where it's taking you. Didn't Dumbledore say something like:

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

And don't forget the people that have held you up along the way. That's one of the greatest meanings of life. The people. The ones that are helping you along the way.

And just to Christmas-fy this message...I would just like to say pass it along. Pass along the love and service and goodness. Lift where you stand. As cheesy as that sounds. Just do it. Don't forget to give back.

Because I have been given much, I too must give. 

And now for a playlist full of songs that invoke contemplation and daydreams of good books, trees, rainy days, and coffee shop bagels.

1 // Turning Page by Native Men (Sleeping at Last cover)

Karly Jade, I just want you to know that I love you and I am so grateful for your friendship and your really great taste for beautiful music. 

2 // She Treats Me Well by Ben Howard 

Tyler, I sometimes I replace the "she" with "he". Thanks for treating me well. 

3 // River by Cee-Lo Green (Joni Mitchell cover) 

Mom and Dad, this song makes me miss you so much I can't breathe, but I am grateful that you aren't far away. I know this Christmas I won't be with you and I'd like to get a river to skate away on, but I need to remember my new family and that you will always be my family. Sometimes I forget that. Merry Christmas you two. I love you. Thanks for all the other Christmases. I promise to be a the best daughter-in-law to the Abbotts. 

4 // Run to You by Pentatonix 

To my baby girl. Thanks for showing me this gem. You showed it to me at a time where I felt really hopeless about school work and finals and everything school related. 

5 // Higher Love by Steve Winwood

To everyone who has brought "higher love" to me and who will bring it in the future. 

Now let's jam. 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Observed // I can't do it alone

p h o t o 

Today, I broke down.

Today, I realized that I really can't do it alone. I just can't. As much as I think I'm invincible and I'm strong and I'm fearless and I'm super-woman. I'm not. And I'm not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to be angry or to cry, even though sometimes I feel that way, I'm saying these things because I feel like giving up and I can't because I also see where I'm going.

When your husband is recovering from an extensive reconstructive surgery, your life is 100% dedicated to his needs. But life also expects you to be 100% dedicated to school and work and callings and pinterest and blogs and instagram and everything in between.

That's just not possible. It's not possible for me. I can't do it.

As much as I pray that I can. I can't.

God has granted me with far more serenity for far other things. For things that matter most really.

But it's hard to see that.

It's hard to see that I can't do it all.

Listen, I have worked out in over a month. My body is feeling it.

I haven't cooked a solid meal in days. The time is slipping for me.

I might need to take Tyler to the doctor again because of reactions to medication and the pain being SO excruciating at times despite medication that Tyler almost passes out.

It's overwhelming and it's humiliating to my soul and it tears my heart out and I just can't do it.

I almost want to say that NO 21 year old girl should feel this way.

I shouldn't feel this pressure. Why does school want me to be perfect, why is this happening? Why is that happening?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I can't tell you why. I mean I could say something from a conference talk and I could think of my own philosophy but for right now I'm going to rely on comforting words from my mom and the small little smidgen of peace that is still left in my heart.

Because that's all the strength I have left.

That's all. And I need that strength to help Tyler get to bed and brush his teeth and go to the bathroom and eat. I need it. It's all I have left.

Update // As usual...

So I have been pretty absent and I feel really bad about it because I know that some people actually read this blog and that's so overwhelming wonderful. It really is. I also know that I have a post to do for Rue La La STAT and I need to get the blogging drive again.

You know those times where you just feel 'meh'?? Well I've been having those moments for like the past forever and it's really harshing my mellow. As usual.

So here we go. A brief but run-on explanation as to why I have been absent from dis blog.

Long story short: Tyler broke his knee playing basketball. And when I say broke his knee I mean ruptured a vital ligament and messed up his cartilage and minor ligaments holding his patella in place oh not to mention that he has a bone that needs to be moved 12 mm because it's not normally aligned like a normal person's knee and he has three little tiny fractures.

That's life right?

So the poor guy is hobbling around on crutches and this gnarly brace and I'm helping him out because I love him and that's what you do for people that you love you lift up their leg and help them out of the car and try to help them heal as fast as they can even though the recovery is 6 months after surgery and he hasn't even had the surgery yet and then the healing process will start over. And you're still in school and he's still in school and you both work and your stupid apartment complex won't put a handicap parking spot in the place for you unless you pay $30 for it. And the closest one of those is at the OTHER end of the parking lot.

Ugh...so I'm overwhelmed. Yeah you can tell. I'm not the one injured here...so I feel like I have no right to complain or feel overwhelmed,..but I just feel that way. Life doesn't stop for you and that's that.

But the reality of it all is that life isn't that bad. It's really good actually and there are a lot of good people in my life, but I have had to pick and choose my battles.

Picking your battles is the best way to go when you have a mind like mine.

Anyway, so that's a disjointed explanation as to why I'm in and out here and there and everywhere. Thanks for understanding.

How do you find inspiration when the going gets tough?

How do you cope with adversity? Any tips? How do you relax?

Let me know in the comments below. 

Oh...and p.s. I am making pages for my specific daily posts so it makes navigating the website a little easier. 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Observed // 3 or 4?

p h o t o 

Listen up, and listen good. I do not feel good. No, I do not. I feel like I've been hit by a bus and swallowed by a fish. I feel completely let down by myself. I haven't updated this blog in what seems like forever. I can't swallow food without feeling like I'm on a sailboat being torn apart by the sea. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to do school anymore. I pretty much don't want to do anything.

Oh and I haven't worked out in days. I feel like a straight up schlump you guys.

But let me tell you this. I have no reason to be ungrateful. I do not.

I have had so many freaking flipping fracking people watching out for me. Not including Tyler. He always watches out for me.

Like Ginger Ale at my door step, sour patch, hot tamales, and mints delivered, and a million and two texts of well wishes, love, kindness, and help. Like who the eff am I to complain?

I am pretty gosh darn blessed. The gosh darndest. I can't even tell you how much I love the people in my life.

I can't tell you how much my life is changing for good.

I have stopped caring about things that were negatively burdening my life. I stopped worrying about likes, and outfits, and my career and I've started focusing more on what brings me the most happiness in the world.

Guys. I can't even begin to express the glow I feel underneath all this crappy sick stuff.

Like, I want to look as damn slap happy as this lady in the picture. Doesn't she look divine, and so perfectly casually dressed? Heck yes, I want to be a version of her of me. Get it?

Anyway...that's me observed for a fourth time...or a third. I've lost track.

Now go listen to this shiz:




Gah! And this too!
 

Update // Sniffles and junk

The common cold has reared it's head in the Abbott household. Right when I wanted to get back on schedule.

My throat is in so much pain my eyes water.

I need ten billion throat lozenges. The Halls kind of course that taste like candy. No other kind will do. Don't even try to get that honey lemon shiz in my mouth.

Ain't happenin'

In other news...haha punny....two of my stories are getting published in the print edition of The Universe. What the what?

I don't even like that class.

#blessed I guess.

Ok I'm sick.

And I'm out.

Over and out.

Stay gold.

Monday Musing // On Days Like This...

On days like this...the last thing you want to do is blog, and it's not because it's been a bad day. The reason you haven't blogged in weeks isn't because you have been having bad days. No, the days have been good. They have been beautiful. Happy. Lovely. There have been tears of sadness here and there...but mostly happiness. Happiness as the nights cool perfectly and that corner of the blanket is the perfect weight and touch that can warm you as the heat breaks and the dew settles. Happiness as your belly is full of corn on the cob, the drippiest watermelon, and the perfect tacos full of beans and cheese. Happiness is the sweat on your neck after working out and feeling like yourself again. Happiness in the beautiful new temple in your home town. Happiness in the visit of a long lost brother from New York. Happiness in the comforting hugs of a mom, dad, husband. Happiness in the visit from family in North Carolina and California. Happiness in a clean home. In an intense TV show. In the pins that your mom sends in you.

On days like this...you don't need to be in front of your computer documenting every part of your life. You need to be out there living it. So thank you, if you're reading this... thank you for letting me get out there and live. Now if you must know...this is what I've been listening to recently.

Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac

You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon

The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel 

Tenerife Sea by Ed Sheeran 

Afire Love by Ed Sheeran 

Stay Alive by Jose Gonzalez 

Heartbeats by Jose Gonzalez 

Until later...

+ s t a y // g o l d

Observed // Me, again...

p h o t o 

I'm observing myself again. And my feelings. And my thoughts. And my beliefs. I observe those a lot. And when I say observe, I mean reflect. That's what I'm doing, but I like making things sound deeper and more hipster and artsy because that's the way I roll. So observed is the word. 

Well, it's me again. Back for another blogpost. Back for another musing on a Monday. Wearing a t-shirt dress I got from the Gap for $11.20. Because I really like a good deal. I like them so much that I buy so many deals that it pretty much defeats the purpose of deals in the first place. 

And the thing is, I'm pretty grateful that Tyler tolerates me so much, because I really bug myself a lot. I get annoyed with how my mind works sometimes. I am annoyed with my anxieties and the feelings I have. And I realize that I'm not loving myself enough and so I have to observe myself. I just do. I have to take a break from the pretzel bite recipe I'm trying, and I need to observe myself, because it teaches me to love myself more. It teaches me to see what Tyler sees. It teaches me patience. 

And so I observe....reflect, really. 

So things I've observed about myself. 

My style preferences have evolved. I have always really liked laid-back styles. Granted, in the past I forced myself to wear certain pieces to fit in, but now I think I've got it. Honestly, I could use some more business appropriate pieces in my closet. I need to dress a little more professionally, but right now I am really happy with how my closet looks. I look at it and I think, yep I could pick anything in here and be happy about wearing it. Though, I should really invest in a well tailored pencil skirt and white blouse. That would be a grand idea. Mom, are you interested in making both of those things for me? 

So if you see me in a lot of stripes, oversized shirts with pockets, and t-shirt dresses just know that it makes me happy and comfortable and to me that is quite enough. And I don't really want to worry about pant suits right now. 

I love cooking. I looooooooove it. All types of cooking. I love trying new recipes. I love eating the food. I love watching it all form into something. 

I am still addicted to instagram, but the likes and comments don't matter as much. That's a relief. 

I may like certain bloggers and certain people and I may be tolerant of things and I may have a more open mind towards things, but that doesn't mean that I hate the church I belong to. I know it is true and I have my standards and I have my testimony and I believe the doctrines. I believe that I am equal among the men of my institution. One of my favorite bloggers is going through a spiritual journey and I started really getting bent out of shape about it, but then I decided that it's her life, not mine, and I can't change her ways, but I can change mine and I can become a better disciple and daughter of God, because that's who I want to be. God is love and God is good. He is no respecter of persons, but he loves with an infinite love and I know that through the Atonement, I can do all. I can overcome fears and doubts that I have. I know it, because I have experienced it. 

Slowly but surely, I have started to love my body again. 

Slowly but surely, I am getting the hang of this kinder thing. I am getting to know people around me and I am making new friends and trying to patch up relationships with old ones and it is working out. 

Every day I learn something new. Every day I shed some tear about some silly thing, but I learn more about life and love and happiness and peace.

And every day I'm grateful for all these experiences because it's what this grand plan is all about. 

Boy, I am so grateful. 

Update // Oh hello...

p h o t o 

Well the title is misleading. This isn't much of an update. To be honest, right now I'm having one of those moments where writing a post isn't appealing. Granted, I love my blog. Always will, but it's not everything to me right now. Well it hasn't ever been everything to me. It's just not a priority. Every once and a while I get these deep, anxious, mind-wrenching feelings that consume me. I've always had them. A curse. Maybe a blessing. You know, it hurts my head to think about what they exactly are, but I have always been anxious. That's just it. And when I'm anxious I have to separate myself from things that make me more anxious like thinking of blog posts to write for my readers. Like looking at clothes I can't have and bodies I covet. I can't do that all the time. So I end up writing this. And I guess that's okay. I don't really know what I want to say, but I need to write something. Even if it wasn't a playlist. 

p.s. if you need to find me, I'm on Pinterest, Tumblr, Instagram. 

p.p.s. I'll most likely be back tomorrow. I have some favorites that need to be shared. 

+ s t a y // g o l d