Sunday Stuff // On what I'm going through.

Hey there!

Happy Mother's Day to my best mom. Her name is Lys (pronounced: Leese) and she is everything I want to be when I grow up.

Ask anyone to describe my mom and they'll say she's an angel. Because she really is. She is an angel and she inspires me to stay gold. As cheesy as that sounds. She is a true gem and I thank God every day for blessing me with the loveliest of moms.

Anxiety is no stranger to this writing space of mine. I've talked about my experiences with anxiety several times. Anxiety isn't the new kid on the block. A lot of people have anxiety, but I don't think that makes my struggles little.

I'm just going through some anxiety right now. Social anxiety. Personal anxiety. I ate a five guys burger and fries anxiety.

The struggle is real. (Don't laugh...it really is real.)

I don't really want to talk about this on a day where I'm celebrating my mom, but I just needed to mention it because I'm not getting on social media for the rest of the day (except Snapchat...because, you know.) And I will be traveling to California all day tomorrow (after a trip delay of 4 days because of bad weather) And if I don't say something now...I won't get this weighty feeling off of my chest.

To my friends reading this, I'm sorry if I haven't been the best friend lately. When I go through anxiety attacks it's hard for me to put on a happy face and hang out with you. It's nothing personal, it's just hard. Putting on a happy face can get really heavy. Because when I'm with you, I'll compare myself to your words, your clothes, your body. It's true. Boy or girl. I will compare. That's what happens to me. It happens to a lot of people, but with the anxiety that I'm feeling right now that's just how it is. Also...I know a lot of people say they are bad at texting, but I'm really bad at texting. Ask my sister. I really didn't see one of her texts until 5 hours later. I try not to be glued to my phone because that gives me anxiety too.

Family anxiety. I am leaving my immediate family for four months. I come from a family where family is everything. I cling to them and it's almost a fault. So I've been trying to get as much time with them before I spend as much time with my new(er) family.

Social media anxiety. The truth is...social media is not good for me. It's just not. I look at it and I see all the faults in people and then I see faults in myself. This makes me sound like a really quality person, right? I know. I would much rather talk to a person without screens, without seeing what they blogged about, without seeing what clothes they bought, without all those things that separate people.

Body anxiety. I really really really really have issues with my body. There. I. Said. It. I have been promoting loving yourself but I haven't been completely honest. I have a distorted image of myself. And I want to fix that. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Some days are really good but some days are really bad. I'm trying to find a healthy balance in my life so here are some goals I made:

1. Do a physical exercise/activity for at least 30 minutes every day. That means I have to walk on Sundays.
2. Use MyFitnessPal as a food tracker (some people scoff at this, but for my body type, I need this). Track every day...even if you forget to track all of your meals, at least track liquids and snacks.
3. Look at myself in the mirror and say, "I can do anything good! And even if I don't see progress right away, I'm doing the right things today, because I can do anything great."

Ok...that felt really good to say.

Until next time friends.

P.S. DON'T COPY PEOPLE. BE YOURSELF. BE YOU BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE THAT IS YOUER THAN YOU.

Really though.

P.p.s. Thanks to everyone who has shown me so much love and patience. You know who you are. You really do. I love you guys.

p.p.p.s for anyone else that is feeling really dumb for not graduating...DON'T FEEL DUMB. Read this.

On Mondays and Watermelon.

I woke up this morning after a restless night. I slept in. And it was good. But the days have been frustrating. The days have been tiring and there have been so many things on my mind. Money, utilities (seriously, the bill was so high in July, but my dad bailed me out. Thank you, Dad. Thank you from the bottom of my tired heart.), boyfriend, the future, California trip in a week, what was that bump in the house, is anyone up at this hour? Do I really need to go to work tomorrow? All those things have bombarded my thoughts. Oh and let's not forget, have I really gained 5 pounds? This haircut makes my chin look pudgy. Why am I so unhappy with myself? Why? Why? Why? And even more whys. And in those moments, I always have this moment. This moment where I get all choked up and my face gets hot and I want to fall on the ground and beat it with my fists and scream and throw the biggest baby fit ever and have my chin all trembly and wrinkled and have those salty tears sting my breaking out face and roll all sticky down my chubby cheeks. I come so close to that moment and then peace. Peace takes over. And "It will all be right in the end." replaces the "Why's, how's, what am I going to do's." That's when I know that someone is looking out for me. That's when I know who I really am and who I am becoming. Those are tender mercies, as cliche and mormony as it sounds, they are. Those are the mercies from God. Mercies from the sunlight, the leaves on the trees, the juiciest of watermelons, the deepest of sleeps. Those are the moments when I know I'm loved and that I can get through the toughest of circumstances. Those moments when I realize money is important but it's not the most important thing in the world. Save your money, pay your tithing and things will be okay. It doesn't come before friends or family. The worldly things don't bring happiness, the spiritual things do. Whether you are religious or not, we all have souls, we all have spirits, and the things of the soul are what matter most. Those things work out. Those things bring happiness.

So jumping on the Terrific Tuesday wagon early, I'm going to list a few things that made me incredibly happy today.

1. Watermelon. A simple pinkish juicy fruit with obnoxious seeds and made with loads of water that could hydrate you for years. Pick it up with your fingers, pop it in your mouth and slurp away. Everyone will hate you for the mouth noises (mainly Ty) but you are completely enjoying yourself and that is a-okay. Darn right it is. Thank you Watermelon you scrumptious fruit.

2. The fact I get to go swim today at the Rec Center. Rec Centers give me the willies because I keep thinking of little pee puddles and athlete's foot, but I can't wait. I can't. I want to smell like chlorine and bathe in a waterfall.

3. The boyfriend. Need I say more?

4. America's Next Top Model. Don't judge.

4. My dad. He is always there when I need him. He knows exactly what to do and knows exactly what to say. He has the biggest heart and the deepest love. Thank you, Daddy-O for every little thing. Thank you for lifting me off of my feeble knees. I'll love you forever. 

6. The blog and you, you my readers. Thank you for giving me people to talk to and express my inner feelings, passions, and thoughts...as weird and anti-social as that sounds. I mean, I can physically tell my friends, but this blog has been an outlet to me than anything I ever thought would. This blog has been a great thing for me. A beautiful thing. So thank you, thank you my gold friends. May you stay gold forever.

Monday Musing: Life Lately and The Pictures I Promised

I felt home sick today. I woke up with my first anxiety attack of the year this morning. Shaking, cold, sick to my stomach. For no good reason. So many thoughts were whirling through my mind. Doubt, happiness, nervousness, sadness, sympathy, worry, hope. All of these feelings. Sometimes I wonder why it has to happen at the moments it does. Sometimes I wonder why I let things get to me. Why I worry so much and why we as human beings worry about what people think of us. Why do we care so much? If only the answer were simple. Though I miss my family and the comforts of my home, I just have to realize how happy I really am here. I love this college experience and I'm supposed to be living it. I'm supposed to be meeting people, dating people, staying up late, doing lots of homework and trying to be a better me every single day. When anxiety attacks hit I need to take deep breaths, remember that I'm okay, I'm safe, I have beautiful people in life. Life is good. I can go on. So maybe I should stop worrying if a guy is going to talk to me, if I'm going to write an A+ paper, if I'm going to be able to pay rent. Sure those are things that usually can be worried about, and I won't disregard them, but those things won't rule my life. I have control.

I just want to end this short little musing with my gratitude. I'm so grateful for my Mom, Dad, Sister, Brothers, Friends, Emilee, Makenna, Megan, Kaitlyn, Ali, Aubrey, Melissa, Josh, Nate, Ken, Russ, Charlene, Kevin, Leah, Whitney, Olivia, and the list goes on. I'm so grateful for the people in my life. I am so grateful to be at this University. I'm grateful that I get to live. Life goes on and so must I. Thank you Heavenly Father for the beautiful and numerous blessings I so do not deserve and yet you keep on giving. Thank you.

So the pictures I promised...

Lately...

I have been instructed in kissing techniques.

I have been living off of Spaghetti and BBQ chicken because I'm too lazy to go grocery shopping.

I helped this kiddo find a shirt. This one was too small and he only liked it because he said he could look like a ninja. Yep we're cool.

I've been losing myself in the beautiful world of Vogue. The September Issue. *drool*

I made my first purchase EVER from Buckle. Breaking barriers. That's my job.

I've fantasized over beautiful ads in my Vogue magazine.

I've met strange, yet wonderful people with the coolest apartment.

I attended football games.

I've played a lot of NERTZ. 

I've met a lot of people.

I really love my ward.

I've eaten more frozen yogurt this week, then I have in my entire life.

Who could complain?

What are your thoughts on Life Lately? Own Monday everybody! We can do this!

Story?

Originally, I was going to post the last part of "My Anxiety Story" today, but I realized that there are many people involved in the last two years of my high school experience that I want to respect and keep off of the internet. I had a lot of anxiety issues that had to do with people that I know can see my blog. I don't want to hurt my friendships with them by bringing up old conflicts or by opening any wounds. I will not be posting the rest of my story because of this. If you want to know more about my Junior and Senior year, feel free to talk to me personally. I always share things with my friends. I just don't want to put something on the internet that might hurt others. Every once and a while you will see a tidbit of those times in a musing or terrific tuesday post, but I just don't feel like it's appropriate to share everything at this time. Thank you for your respect and kindness. Thank you for letting share this story with you. I hope we can all be happy and find hope in hard times. I hope we can become better not bitter. That's all. Have a great weekend. Stay golden. Be safe. Have fun.

Terrific Tuesday: Happiness Is Realizing

Happiness is walking into your cool apartment after walking home from campus and it's over 90 degrees outside.

Happiness is returning to the college life that you missed so much.

Happiness is realize that you are going down the right path. Happiness is knowing that you are going to school for what will make you happy. 

Happiness really is that "Oh there you are. I've been looking for you my whole life" kind of feeling. And maybe it doesn't have to do with a person. Maybe it's just that feeling about your goals, dreams, and ambitions. I love that feeling. I love feeling happy, especially when stress and anxiety have been taking over my life. Speaking of anxiety, I haven't updated my anxiety story in a long time. Expect a post about that soon. Talking about high school is always harder.

Anyway, today I had that feeling. The "Oh there you are" one. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I only have one class. It's my Exploration to Secondary Teaching: FACS Educators class. Last night, I was so worried. I was worried about how I would feel going into the class. How would I actually feel about going into the FACS ED field of study. Is teaching really going to be for me? Can I do this? Is it all worth the ignorant jokes about my lack of feminism and my constant search for an eternal companion? Is it worth the stress? Is it all worth it? Did I waste my Freshman year, and the hours of researching? I really needed to know. I really was wondering all of those things as I made the 20 minute walk to class.

So the class room was tucked away in a corner of the Business School. A small class room that only fit 25 people. Being the ambitious person that I am, I was the first person there. Couldn't be late to the class that was going to determine my life right? I know.

So the two and a half hour class began. The questions were still running through my mind. My professor is an absolutely hilarious, charming, and lovely woman. Having taught for 20 years, she knows her stuff. As she was telling us her stories and what was expected of us, I noticed the anxiety I was feeling slowly start to slip away. I started to feel at ease. At peace. Then, my professor opened up her scriptures. She began telling us why she became a teacher. That's when the feeling hit me. That's when all of my questions were answered. That's when I said, "Oh there you are, I've been looking for you my whole life." I have found what I want to do with my life. I know what I'm supposed to study in college.

She opened her scriptures to Matthew 5:15...

"Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house."

She went on to say that as teachers we have a light that needs to be shared. The world needs more teachers to share their light with others. We need more people willing to teach others. No matter what the pay is, no matter how crazy the students are, no matter how many bladder infections you get, or how many times you lose your voice. We need to share our lights and teach others.  She shared a quote by David O. Mckay, and that was when the spirit just overwhelmed me. In an address to the leaders and parents of the church.

"No greater responsibility can rest upon any man [or woman], than to be a teacher of God’s children."

Yes, this message was originally for parents raising their children in the gospel, but it really was for me too. My responsibility is to teach God's children. My professor even said that each and every student we have is a child of God. That is a marvelous truth. Every child I teach, every single one of them is a child of my Father in Heaven. He loves them as he loves me. I must teach them. I realized right then and there that I will have not done my job on this earth if I do not teach them.

She ended with words that brought tears to my eyes. She read us Doctrine and Covenants 12:8.

"And no one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love, having faith, hope, and charity, being temperate in all things, whatsoever shall be entrusted to his care."

If I can bring peace into the lives of my students, especially in this chaotic world, then I have succeeded. I know that I want to be a source of safety, peace, and happiness for my students. Life is hard, school is hard, and sometimes we don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to. As I was sitting in class, I realized that I needed to be a teacher so that I could be just that for students. It is all worth it. I had prayers answered today. I am so grateful.

I am so proud to say that I am studying to be a teacher. A FACS ED teacher. Man, that sounds good. I even have a cool lanyard. I feel official.

I love school.

Yes, yes I do. 

Monday Musings: Mini rant and Back to Happy Valley

First of all, why was Adele not in the closing ceremonies? I know she's pregnant and all, but they had Jessie J screaming and yodeling her lungs out while Adele could have been belting out some lovely tunes with her far better voice. Come on London.

Second of all, really Facebook you're announcing engagements now?

Third of all, and what I want to talk about most of all is the fact that this is my last week before I move back down to Happy Valley for school. This week is finally here. I remember last year when my last week finally came to be. I was an emotional mess. Heck I was an emotional, anxious mess all of last summer. Really though, I can't believe this is my last week. I haven't even thought about buying my books, moving in, packing all of my closet into bins, what I'm going to eat, the homework. It hasn't all settled in yet. I don't think I'm afraid. I don't think I'm not ready. I think I am ready. I want to be back at school, but I don't want to adjust, but hey change is inevitable. I need to adjust. I need to start being an independent college student again. It's time to meet new people, make new friends, get used to a new ward. Get used to everything. It really is exciting. Nervewracking, but very exciting. I just need to remember who I am. I can't lose myself when I'm at school. I feel like that happened my Freshman year. I compared myself to everybody. I let my anxiety, OCD, and stress get the best of me. That happens sometimes, but too often last year. This year is going to be better than last. I know it's easier said than done, but really I'm going to try my best to make this year a really awesome one. I am going to be my best self. I'm going to be the REAL Dani. It is time to grow up again, start anew, have some fun, and work hard. Bring it on.

So here's to the last week.  Here's to another Monday Musing. And here's to Imagine Dragons.

My Anxiety Story, Part 2: Sophomore Year

First I would like to say, the point of these posts isn’t to make you feel bad for me or for me to create some sob story. The point is to bring hope and light to those who may be struggling with anything in their life. Anxiety has been something that I have to struggle with. I feel like coming out and talking about it has always helped me become stronger and more hopeful. I just hope I can help anyone out there reading this feel the same way.

I am happy to say that my sophomore year of high school wasn't all that bad when it came to handling my anxiety. The attacks weren't frequent at all and so I would say that I didn't really need to handle it that much.  I actually don't remember that much from my sophomore year when it comes to anxiety attacks. I did get really sick the summer after my 9th grade year though. My immune system just crashed and I would imagine it was from all the stress. My hair also started to fall out and, I developed skin rashes a lot easier. Later I found out that I had stress induced psoriasis. My mom and I didn't really know what to do with the hair loss or the on going colds. We assumed it was just my body adjusting to the new step in my life that was high school.

My sophomore year started out great. I made new friends. I made Sophomore class president. My teachers liked me. I was doing well in my classes. There wasn't much getting in my way. I was feeling very much at ease. But everything changes as the year progresses. I think we become comfortable with our teachers, classes, and friends. Too comfortable maybe. We start letting our guard down. People's true colors start coming out, and you realize you're not as good at math as you thought. I think everyone reaches a low at some point during the school year. I just took mine really hard. 

I started feeling incredibly insecure, because there were new girls, new styles, new clothes to wear, new ways to do your hair. There were new boys to impress. I had friends coming and going from my life. As an officer, I had to answer to the whole sophomore class, and impressing 500-something sophomores isn't exactly the easiest thing. Also, having one of your best friends always competing with you never helps. Like I said, I started feeling insecure. I compared myself to everybody. I didn't feel happy for other people anymore. I felt sick to my stomach all the time. I felt bad for myself if I didn't get the credit or recognition on an assembly, or poster that we made in student government. I got nit-picky and emotional at every single thing. My anxiety was creeping up on me. I could feel it in my throat. I knew it and I hated the feeling. I thought it had gone away, but it was getting worse. 

I started lashing out at home when the homework got hard. I would blame my stress on everything. Nothing was good enough. I saw a fault in everything I did. My advisor was upset because I didn't plan out the officer duties well enough. That skit in the assembly was a failure because I wasn't funny enough. He/she is always going to be better at that because I don't have the resources or work ethic that they do. I will never be pretty like her because I don't wear the right clothes, or makeup, or hairstyle.  I started wanting to be alone because everything and everyone started to bother me. Everything would trigger a sweat, an upset stomach, or a new break out on my face...or worse a new raging rash.

So now you're probably thinking..."Dani, you said your sophomore year wasn't that bad." and it wasn't. Seriously, if want to hear about my bad years wait until my junior and senior years. This all happened in like 2 months out of the 8 or 9 in the school year. That really isn't bad when you think about it. So yes, I just had an onslaught of anxiety in a matter of two months, and that's usually how my anxiety goes. The nervous feeling will always be there but it won't emerge or transform into a monster until something really triggers it, and around those two months that I had the biggest attacks I had an assembly to plan, a dance to organize, and tests to take. I was also worrying about my schedule for next year, and I was in a rough patch with friends. It's funny and really sad that a lot of my anxiety revolves on how I think people perceive me.

It amazes me how I can have a good 7 months of school, but one thing can just transform 2 months into misery?.Although, it wasn't nearly as bad as it was going to be. I knew after that school year that I had to fix something. I knew something was wrong. I knew something was messing with my head. I knew that I had to put the reigns on this, but it's easier said than done. I will tell you right now, that I didn't get a hold on my anxiety until my first year of college. So yes, it only gets worse from here, BUT it gets better. I promise.

The two months passed on, and I was able to get back into the normal groove of things. I shifted into feeling quite happy. I was happy again. I still worried though about the stress that I would face again. That's the problem with anxiety. It lingers and it's a trigger for triggers. Once I think about anxiety I feel it, and then it triggers another feeling. I hope one day I can just stop thinking about being anxious. I hope I can put it behind me. I don't want to let it define me. Never. Ever.

I think that's very important. Don't let your struggles define you. Let them REFINE you and make you a better person. Let them make you want to be better. I know that I wanted to remember my school year for the good times not that bad. Who really wants to focus on the bad? No one. Instead turn the bad into good, and let the sad moments be washed away by the happy ones. 

Terrific Tuesday: My Anxiety Story, 9th Grade.

First, HAPPY PIONEER DAY UTAH! I love Utah and I love pioneers. Thank you pioneers for making the grueling journey to Utah. This really is the place. Thank you for your sacrifice and powerful faith. I love you. I love my pioneer parents. I love the heritage of this beautiful state.

This terrific Tuesday I just wanted to write about something that has become a part of my life since my junior high days. It's not some big sickness and it hasn't completely changed my life, but it has played a big part in it. This thing I want to talk about is ANXIETY. The thundercloud on a sunny day. A real pain in the butt. I will be talking about my journey with it through 9th grade to now. Today I am going to start with the beginnings and my ninth grade year.

My parents tell me that I have had anxiety ever since I was a little girl. I remember I would have to go to the bathroom four to five times before every road trip. I would have to use the throw-up bag on airplanes minutes before we even taxied out. I would get random attacks before any big event in my life. If one of my school assignments or projects didn't get the grade I thought I would deserve, or if my teacher caught me talking to a friend, I would immediately burst into tears and feel terrible for my bad behavior...or poor performance. As I grew older, these occurrences seemed to fade away, until my ninth grade year.

Now, I took ninth grade VERY seriously. Like I thought it was a BIG deal. Ninth grade was when your grades started counting, when career options needed to be looked at, when college started becoming a big deal. Well that's how it was for me....I bet everyone else was worried about what outfit they were going to wear, or who their crush was, or how their EFY friends were doing. No I was worrying about my grades and reputation.  I had to be the best ninth grade officer, I had to be the best friend to everyone, I had to be the shoulder to cry on, the teachers pet, the ninth grader that would get into BYU because I was just that cool and smart. Everything turned into the most major thing in my life ever. Really though, everything and I mean everything was a BIG DEAL.

I didn't realize how bad my anxiety was until I ran into some trouble with one of my close friends. She was really struggling at that time and doing things to herself that were just not right or healthy. I felt the desperate need to tell someone. I was worried sick about her, but she had trusted me with her self harm secrets, and I didn't want to lose our friendship. I wanted to be part of her "cool, dangerous" life. But I didn't feel right about what she was doing no matter how much I wanted to be friends with her. I decided to tell someone about what she was doing. Maybe in society today I would be called a "rat, snitch, unloyal, prude" but I knew I couldn't let her hurt herself anymore. Even if she did say, "it's only for the rest of the week and then I'll stop", or "it doesn't even hurt that much". I told someone and that day I went home sick to my stomach. I got my first anxiety attack. My first "real" one.

I couldn't eat that night. I couldn't stop crying. My stomach hurt. If I tried to eat something it would hurt. I started to shake. I couldn't sleep. I could barely breathe. I was freezing. I felt like I was losing my mind. There was no way I could face her the next day. There was no way anyone would understand. I would ruin my reputation as the "cool" ninth grade officer. I would lose her trust and the trust of all my "friends." At the time, I felt like I had ruined everything. I felt like a failure.

Well, I did lose her trust and I did lose a lot of my friends. They would talk about me behind my back. They were either straight up rude to my face or straight up fake. Whenever I would try to talk to them, they would give me looks or stop talking about whatever they were talking about. It was the worst feeling in the world, and to top it all off...I still felt those horrible symptoms. The upset stomach, the crying, the shaking, everything. Oh and I got the biggest rash in my entire life...the beginnings of my psoriasis. Which is also another story all in itself. I was also feeling the mounting pressures of school, high school, home life, and everything else.

Although I felt like my life was over. Life moves on and eventually I did too. That year I discovered who my real friends were. I made new ones. I started wanting to gain a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I started trying to be positive. I started to feel happy. Unfortunately though, anxiety attacks still loomed around the corner.

Ninth grade wasn't the best year of my life. It was very rough, but to make this a terrific Tuesday post, I will say that many blessing came into my life that year. I started feeling a profound love for the gospel. I found joy in it. I learned of my Savior's infinite Atonement. My testimony started to take form. Like I said before, I made friends that I have to this day. Emilee, Megan, Kadee, Micah, Cragun...so many. So many true and wonderful friends. I was able to learn from mistakes and make important choices. Yes, I still had a lot to face and a lot to learn in the coming years, but that's all for another post.

Thank you for reading. I hope we can all find the good things in our trials. I hope you all had a pleasant and very happy Pioneer Day. I hope I can continue to share my anxiety story with you. Have a nice night!