Observed // I am not

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I expect a lot out of myself. The majority of pressure I feel in life comes directly from me. I want to be a lot of things and i feel like i need to be other things. I'm not going to discount the fact that the culture I live in expects a lot of things. You have to be the most active. The most outgoing. The most fashionable. The most everything.

Well I'm not a lot of things. In fact, I fall short in a lot of stuff, but as I continue my journey of self-love and self-discovery I've found gold in the things I am not. I have found who I am.

1. I do not have the most clothes in my closet, in fact; I don't even have the latest styles found at good old University Mall. I haven't been shopping for a couple of months. I am not up-to-date with the latest fashions, but here's what I am...

I am learning more and more about my personal style and I'm developing an eye for quality over quantity.

2. I am not the skinniest but here's what I am. I am a girl LEARNING every day to love her body. I am a girl learning to embrace all bodies. I am a girl learning to treat her body with honor and with kindness.

3. I am not the prettiest. Sometimes, I think my chin is really big. Sometimes, I think my face is too round. But here's what I am. I am a person who can smile. I am a person who can feel the warmth of the sun on her face.  I am a girl with a face that is the beautiful genetic makeup of two of the most incredible and important people in her life.

4. I am not the smartest. I do not have a 4.0 anymore. I am not the top of my class and I don't know everything. But here's what I am. I am a person who tries and works hard for what she wants. I am a girl that doesn't throw up every morning anymore because she is so terrified of anything lower than an A. I am a girl who is learning so many valuable things each day. I am a girl who gets to go to college. Have you ever stopped to thinking of just how fortunate you are to go to college?

5. I am not perfect. And I never will be. I am not the perfect wife. I am not the perfect daughter. I am not the perfect member of the church (HAH). I am not the perfect friend and I am not the perfect student. But this is who I am and I am embracing these perfect imperfections, because they make up who I am. They make up my soul. They make up the very core of my being.

I am me, and as cheesy as this sounds...there is no one I would rather be.

New Mercies

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I'm really bad at forgiving myself. And for a long time I have not been able to forgive myself. I haven't been able to forgive myself for getting this way (gaining 30 pounds). I haven't been able to forgive myself for not working out every day, for eating that food, for saying that thing, and the list goes on and on and on.

And while I haven't been able to forgive myself, I've trapped myself. I've put myself in this little cage of self-loathing and self-pity and self-pride and self-everything that's not good for you.

So every time I made a "goal" to get better, a "goal" to lose 30 pounds, a goal to work out rigorously every day, this toxic cage would just fuel these goals and so I would give up. Truly they were all unrealistic. Truly they kept me from listening to my own body. These goals only added to this toxicity surrounding my life. All of this, because I couldn't forgive myself. All of this because I couldn't let go and listen to my body and love myself.

Time and time again I have seen the quote on pinterest that we are our own worst critics, and it's completely true. We definitely are. I didn't realize how I was trapping myself inside that nasty little cage. I was becoming one of those mean girls. Mean to herself and projecting her mean-ness to others. I wasn't letting the pure, clean and sweet feeling of forgiveness and love and freedom envelope me because I was afraid. I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of not seeing any progress. I'm afraid of going back to that spiraling lifestyle of "it's my body I can do what I want to."

Sure it is your body, but remember that your body needs nurturing. It needs to be taken care of! This doesn't mean you have to be the skinniest or the perfectly curviests or the one with the most muscles, but you have to be kind to it.

Being kind to your body will be the most freeing thing you do in your life. I've done it once. I was struggling with a living situation I was in. I needed to get out and taste some fresh air. So I ran every day or I went to the gym and lifted weights. It was the happiest I ever felt. I was drinking a lot of water. I was eating good food too, it wasn't even the healthiest food but it was good. I felt balanced, but I let the negativity of life (and insecurities I believed about myself) and my situation overcome me and I spiraled. I found that cage and thought I found refuge, but I didn't.

I've only been here for a day, in California I mean, but I already feel myself going on this little journey. A little journey of self-discovery and reflection. These journeys are really hard sometimes, but they are completely necessary for our growth and progression in this mortal existence.

My Abby (mother-in-law) and I were talking about prioritizing our lives yesterday. She told me that she wanted to prioritize reading her scriptures. Her bishop at church told her that the most important things come before others. Simple, right? Yeah, except think about all the times that you put the not-so-important things in front of other things because it was more convenient? So her bishop offered a challnege to the congregation.

In your mind, think of all the things you do in your daily routine. Now think of the things that you are omitting that are actually really important. Now, say the following...

"I have a lot of things to do in a day, but before I do *blank* I will do *blank*. For Abby it was before I get out of bed, I will read my scriptures.

For me it's a little different and I'm still figuring it out, but I thought that was a good way to look at life. It's all about listening to your body and listening to your lifestyle. You know you better than anyone else. This prioritizing might be for a personal study habit or a personal workout routine or for anything else for that matter, but just know it's for you. (I'm saying this mostly for me, haha.)

So that's what I'm going to do. Prioritize.

Now just one more thing...forgiving yourself. You have to let yourself do it. Even if you mess up your  priorities. Even if you are trying to mend a broken relationship, a broken dream, a lost joy, a lost motivation. You have to forgive yourself because it will set you free. Now i know I just said that, but you need to realize this one more thing...

Every day you have a new mercy. You don't only get a new mercy in January when you make those resolutions. You don't only get new mercies at church or at the beginning of a new job or only when something great happens or only when times are tough. You get a new mercy every single day. The moment you wake up a new mercy begins. No matter what your life is like you get one.

As I've battled my problems with eating and distorted body image, one of the best things I could do for myself was forgive myself EVERY day.

I watched a video by one of my favorite fitness gurus and she said to be healthy in every aspect of your life you have to forgive yourself every day. Not just on Tuesdays or Fridays or "cheat days" (I hate that phrase, btw), but EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Every day is a new opportunity. Every day you get new lovely little mercies to help you keep going. Those mercies are telling you, "You can do it. You're doing great. Look at you, you beautiful and awesome you! You're doing great. I'm proud of you."

Believe in your new grace every single morning, you guys. Believe in it with all of your guts and grit, because it's totally and completely real. You don't have to be trapped in that cage of blame and sadness and guilt. This guru also said that we need to stop trapping ourselves in the "I can't do this, I can't eat that, I need to work out."

YOU DON'T NEED TO DO ANYTHING BUT LOVE YOURSELF! When you love yourself, you ultimately want to do good for yourself. You want to take care of yourself. I didn't learn that all on my own. I have a lot of people who help me along the way. You have me! I have you. We can do this together.

Be free and believe in new mercies.

Observed // Me 4 (???)

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Just yesterday, I was at the mall celebrating the completion of my accounting final. Tyler had to be on campus for another three hours, and the Gap was having a grand reopening so naturally, I went and ate cookies and popcorn and avoided people that kept asking me if I needed anything.

"No, I'm just looking and yes...I've been here for three hours, I know."

I bought one thing. I'm really bad at this capsule thing, but don't worry I'm trying and I'm setting new goals. Anyway. While I was looking around just perusing the new arrivals and fast fashion things that would dissolve in your wash, I was also thinking about life and stuff and feelings and how the world spins madly on without you and you just need to catch up or slow down or do whatever makes you feel the best. And I was really thinking about my tendency to avoid all people.

We all do this, we all avoid common places because of the people we might just see.

Whilst in H&M looking at this incredibly beautiful but extremely poorly made necklace (it was already rusting) Poor form, H&M. I saw a few people that I know. One of them was in the checkout line, I felt like calling out to her saying, "Hey Sarah!" but she was totally in the zone. That zone where you've been waiting in the H&M line for over an hour, I exaggerate, and you are just ready to get your adorable striped blouse and go, because H&M is all about the striped blouse and that rusty necklace was just a bad egg out of all the really good ones. The zone that I created for her to justify NOT saying hi to her.

And maybe this is too existential, but I felt a little lonely not calling out to her. I felt a little lost. Why didn't I do it? Why do I separate myself from people that I genuinely like? Why don't I call out more? Why do I go it alone so much?

I saw someone else. A high school friend, Cara. I thought she was a worker at first, but she called out to me.

"Dani!"

"Oh hi, Cara!"

That was a little tender mercy to me. I was so absorbed in clothes and in my own self-reflection and sort of self-pity and anxiety that her calling out to me really meant something.

She had a bunch of boys shirts because she's going to the BYU Jerusalem Center and I felt really happy for her. Really excited, because I've heard great things. And I felt bad for ever thinking bad things about myself.

I often regret how I didn't do study-broads or how i didn't kiss more boys or how I didn't make more friends or how I didn't do that thing at that time with that person or with that opportunity.

But I listened to her talk about how she needs flowy tops and I looked at all of her choices and i thought she looked adorable and then I thanked her inside my head for talking to me, because sometimes you need people to remind you about what you have. You need people to remind you that being open and being happy with your life is okay.

You need people to remind you that it's okay to talk to someone you haven't talked to in a long time.

It's okay to call out. You don't have to shrink away because you don't want to be judged or you don't want to be asked that question or you don't want to feel regret about something that happened so long ago or you don't want to be reminded of what you don't have.

You need people to remind you about what you do have. 

And I know this sounds so incredibly silly, shopping at the mall, thinking about life, but it wasn't silly to me. It was something I needed. I needed to be more willing to be warm and open.

Closed and cold is what i've been doing lately, and I don't want to do it anymore.

Good vibes, only. Because good vibes will follow you. Don't wallow in your stress. Face it head on. Be of good cheer as they say it, because people want you. People think you're great and you should start thinking the same about other people.

Update // A Birthday

You know those moments where your heart is just bursting because it's filled with the deepest love and appreciation for everyone around you? Yeah I'm having that heart-bursty moment, right now.

I had a birthday on Monday and it was the best day.

It really was.

How original, the best day being your birthday? Well I'm a sucker for the cliche. It was the best day filled with the best food and the best people.

Except for one thing...my parents didn't call me, what is up with that mom? Dad? No excuses. Jk...I called them the night before.

I'm not really going to talk about the presents I got, because isn't that sort of not classy? I just have to share one highlight gift though...Tyler got me the prettiest skirt that I had mentioned to him like back at the beginning of March. It was probably the sweetest thing. I just love that guy named Tyler that I live with.

What a cool guy. Sometimes he even rubs my back so I can sleep after having a scary dream. Yeah, I know!

But thank you to everyone who really made my day a strawberry lemonade with extra ice.

Monday Musings // 13 Things

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HEY! Thanks for keeping me going friends! Thanks for reading! Thanks for actually caring about 13 things I'm currently "musing" about. Hi-YAH!

Lez do dis. 

1 // WHY on EARTH do girls post the following: 

"My dad is better than yours." 

"My hubby is better than yours." 

"My baby is cuter than yours." 

"My family is cooler than yours." 

Why do they do that? Why is that necessary? Why can't they post things like: 

"Hey I know you have a best dad, but I have one too! He's the best for me, just like your dad is the best for you! Some people don't have dads, boy I'm so grateful I have a dad. You can share my dad if you want, if you don't have one or if your dad isn't that great, because sometimes that shiz happens." 

OR

"Hey my baby is really adorable, and I love them...I know that some people can't have babies and it's really hard for them. I'm so sorry that someone has to go through that, you can definitely hold my baby, you can share my baby, my baby is your baby, that really blows,  let's cry about it together, or your baby is the cutest darn thing in the whole entire world. I love your baby!" 

OR

"I am really grateful for my husband today. He's a great guy. The end." 

I just feel like the world would be a better place if we didn't go around flaunting all the "cooler than yours" things, ya know? 

2 // Why is Gap selling the cutest and the ugliest t-shirts right now? Heck, I would buy one of those ugly t-shirts. Let's get real. 

3 // Don't mistake someone's feelings of self-love for them feeling complacent about their health. I am all about loving yourself and loving your body. I'm bad it a lot of the time, but I love it. I couldn't support it or preach it more, but sometimes I feel like people think I'm saying I don't have to work out or that being unhealthy is okay. I'm not saying that at all. You need to take care of yourself. You need to go on a walk. YOU NEED TO SLEEP! YOU NEED TO DRINK A WHOLE BUCKET OF WATER! You need to stop eating 5lbs of ice cream a day, that's really irresponsible, or you need to start eating! Guys, that's real. People destroy their bodies because they don't like themselves and we need to start taking care of our bodies because we LOVE our bodies! Taking care of your body can even be saying that you like parts of it when you look in the mirror. Do what makes you feel happy. You *clap* do *clap* you *clap*. 

4 // Tyler and I MIGHT moving to a condo this Fall and so I've been thinking about how we're going to decorate, because we're going to be there for the rest of the time we are in Provo. This room really got me so inspired. I love the grey walls and the bed spread! Dreamiest!

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5 // I am obsessed with Hozier and Nick Jonas right now. Judge me all you want! I'll never surrender! Hozier's voice makes me weak at the knees. #SorryNotSorry

6 // A lot of people are going to complain about things that you like. That's just life. Today though, I saw Madewell post this picture in an instagram.

//

I was personally going ham and cheese over the styling. Some ladies over 25 did not feel the same. One lady even commented: "Uh, Kurt Cobain for Madewell, if I wanted this outfit I would go to Good Will and get that ratty t-shirt for 50 cents." 

First of all lady, great, you have an opinion. I am so proud that you want to voice it. 

Second of all, Kurt Cobain for Madewell would be a kick-a collaboration, too bad he died way before his time. 

Third of all, I freaking love a good deal, Goodwill? Count me in. Don't make fun. Go there and get your t-shirt. 

Fourth of all, ratty t-shirt, yeah it could be, but Madewell has good quality clothes. They really do and if someone actually had that ratty t-shirt I would hope that you'd be nice enough not to say that to someone's face and keep it to yourself. 

Fifth of all, her hair is practically amazing. Disheveled is in. You being rude...is OUT. AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE SHORTS. THE SHORTS, LADY! 

Sixth of all, I got WAY too passionate about that. I'm sure that lady is the nicest. 

7 // I realize that I never finished my runway recaps. I still have stuff to do. I'm going to finish them even if it's been like a month since fashion week. Better late than neverrrrr. 

8 // Good food and good people, that's all you need in life. 

9 // Sometimes, you just have to let go of all that "caring" you have bottled up inside of you. Not the kind of sympathy and empathy caring, I mean the "I care too much about what people think of me" caring. The toxic caring that eats at your soul. Just get rid of it. Say, be gone, caring! I'm through with you. 

10 // The other day whilst almost crying over a stupid assignment (the toxic kind of caring, you know) this song played and my heart melted. It made me cry good tears. Where are you now, Dani? Where are you going? What do you care about? SPEAKING OF MUMFORD & SONS, Believe ain't my favorite, but I am a loyal mumford gal, so we'll see. Nothing beats, Babel, I think. 

11 // We all have storms. Don't discount your storm even if someone has a bigger storm than you. Learn from your storm. 

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12 // These linen-blend dresses are SO cute. So summery. I love stripes and linens. 

13 // I call this my "me in a dream" self: 

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Observed // Oh there has been quite the dry spell...

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And I can't really make excuses except for the fact that school is always making me busy. I'm just busy with school, and it makes me sad, because I know I'm neglecting my dear, old friend...the blerg, I mean blog. Yes, dear blog, I'm neglecting you, and for that I am truly sorry.

The dry spell all started when I came to terms with my issues with food. Coming to terms with issues that you have is a really vulnerable experience. Vulnerable experiences are the worst. They really make you feel naked. They make you feel like you've taken 10,000 steps back.

I never thought I had a problem. I always thought I was just fine.

"Oh, that could never happen to little, old me...oh wait...it already did."

See what I mean?

Now, I'm not going to go into deep and gritty details about my struggles. I'm doing fine right now, honest. I really am. Things are good. Ups and downs happen every day, but ain't that life? It's life! Everybody say it, it's life. I really evaluated some things that were happening, and I made some decisions that were better for me.

For example, I really cut down who I was following on social media. Sure, I had this mad feeling that I was missing out, but I realized that I was missing out on things that were bringing me down. So why not miss out on that shiz? Yeah, why not?

Another example, I stopped shopping every week. I was shopping every week. I am so ashamed to say that. It's been hard. I've messed up. I've had to try again, but I'm making progress and I have a really good friend named Tyler Abbott who helps me. He's a really good counselor, too bad, I'm not sharing. If you want to know more about what I'm doing (capsule wardrobe) just let me know. We can talk about it. You'll help me!

One more example, I started surrounding myself with people that lifted me up. Not to be selfish, I mean I try to lift them up too, but I surrounded myself by the most uplifting and encouraging and inspiring people. I wish I could see more of those people. I miss you, Karly. I miss you ,Talor. I wish I wasn't so overwhelmed with school and life and responsibilities. I think I need to make the time, but that's another thing. I have to make a lot of time for myself nowadays. Time where I can be alone. Time when I can meditate and reflect. That's needed.

One thing that I'm trying to do is not worry every waking moment about school. My major is one, big, fat, horrific competition. I hate it. But it's too late to get out and I am so close to being done, so I can't give up now, but I can do things to make me less miserable where I am.

Here's the thing, I always tried to push my trials and emotions away; I never let myself accept the reality of my mind, my body, my heart, my soul, my life. Once I did, it hurt like hell, but now that I'm learning to cope, I'm finding peace. I'm finding joy. I'm finding love. That's really great, don't you think? Finding love for yourself is probably the most liberating feeling. It's the most overwhelming thing too. Your heart bursts. Your heart sings. You love someone so deeply like a spouse or a mom or a dad or a sibling, but when you love yourself...it's hard to explain but it's like gold.

So I chose a dry spell. Or the dry spell chose me? Part of me let it happen because I had to put my efforts elsewhere. You really gotta take care of yourself. Eventually, a rainstorm will fill you up with the coolest and most refreshing waters. You just have to wait for it. You can even run to catch that dark but hopeful cloud. Dark as in it's filled with that water to get you out of your drought.

So if you're in a drought. If you're having your dry spell. Live it out. Endure it well. Deserts are beautiful. Oasis's are even more beautiful, peace and self-discovery in both are the loveliest feeling of all.

Monday Musing // The Things of 2014 Past

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Oh I didn't really feel like writing this blog post, but sometimes when I'm at the end of a very productive and tiring day, I feel the deepest need to express the words swirling in my mind trying to connect into much too lengthy and grammatically incorrect sentences.

2014 was an interesting year.

Quite the most interesting of my life, perhaps. So far.

Good things happened in 2014 and bad things happened too.

And so did things that helped me grow an inch or two. Literally, figuratively, whatevertively.

I celebrated a year of marriage to the coolest cat in 2014.

I took care of him at his weakest and I celebrated with him at his strongest.

I built a professional portfolio of written works.

I made new friends.

I let go of lost love.

I accepted my body more.

I accepted health and fitness more.

I met people who taught me light and goodness.

I excelled in things I wanted to excel in.

I found my voice.

I discovered my personal style. I refined it.

I found more and more of myself.

And I changed the parts that needed to change.

I let go of things that hurt me.

I fought with some that wouldn't budge.

And I discovered the most perfect little things that I like about my soul.

Some things I didn't like...

I gained pounds that eat away at me every day.

I cried a lot about silly things.

I looked at myself in the mirror a little too long and wept over scars, marks, and folds.

I contemplated calories and eating a little too much.

I ignored comments and words of affirmation.

I wept justified tears and I lashed out in anger at things not so justified and things of the past.

But despite those bad things, those demons that are still creeping up on me, I'm learning to be resilient.

I'm learning to fight back.

I'm learning to be a voice of courage and love and progress. Moving forward.

I learned about me this past year, and I plan to learn about myself even more.

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Playlist Thursday: Figuring it out

p h o t o 

What am I figuring out? My life? Yes. This playlist? Perhaps. My feelings about the future and where I'm going? Always.

Today is the last day of school. It's my second to last fall semester. Next semester I will have my last Winter. And then my last Spring/Summer in California and then the last semester of college ever. I'm nervous. I'm unsure, but I have this little light of peace in my heart. Deep down in the pits of my soul. A feeling of joy and peace that always warms me up when I'm sitting in the shower over thinking things. This light keeps growing even when I'm still trying to figure things out.

The light gets brighter when every day little things happen. Things that I don't expect.

For example, yesterday was the last day of my News Reporting class and I got the awarded "Most Dependable Reporter" for the Life Desk. I almost cried. I couldn't believe it. I spent the whole semester beating down on myself, and here was someone telling me I was good. Better than good. That I was great. Great at something that I have always wanted to do. I want to write. And I want to write the way I want to write. But I learned how to work with editors and I learned how to take criticism and I learned the brutality of deadlines and news publications. I learned things that made me better. I'm one step closer. Now I have a professional portfolio and I'm just one step closer.

This feels really good. It just does. I remember being so afraid. Afraid of moving up and doing things that I'm passionate about. Being afraid can either hurt you or be a catalyst to your success. Some days I let my fear take over me, but this semester I learned to fight it and let it drive me.

I don't know if I'll ever be a successful lifestyle writer or a contributor or editor for some fancy publication that advertises minimalist clothing or Scandinavian furniture and terrariums. I don't know if I will change the way girls look at their bodies. I don't know if NYFW will ever ask me to do an interview or comment on a designers line of work. All of those things would be pretty darn great. Working for one of these beautiful websites on the internet would be a dream. Being a Man Repeller is also a dream and seeing my face on the cover of something would be another dream. I have lots of dreams, but I can make small differences here and I can be where I am right now. I can share goodness here. Dreams are good to dream, but don't forget where you are and where it's taking you. Didn't Dumbledore say something like:

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

And don't forget the people that have held you up along the way. That's one of the greatest meanings of life. The people. The ones that are helping you along the way.

And just to Christmas-fy this message...I would just like to say pass it along. Pass along the love and service and goodness. Lift where you stand. As cheesy as that sounds. Just do it. Don't forget to give back.

Because I have been given much, I too must give. 

And now for a playlist full of songs that invoke contemplation and daydreams of good books, trees, rainy days, and coffee shop bagels.

1 // Turning Page by Native Men (Sleeping at Last cover)

Karly Jade, I just want you to know that I love you and I am so grateful for your friendship and your really great taste for beautiful music. 

2 // She Treats Me Well by Ben Howard 

Tyler, I sometimes I replace the "she" with "he". Thanks for treating me well. 

3 // River by Cee-Lo Green (Joni Mitchell cover) 

Mom and Dad, this song makes me miss you so much I can't breathe, but I am grateful that you aren't far away. I know this Christmas I won't be with you and I'd like to get a river to skate away on, but I need to remember my new family and that you will always be my family. Sometimes I forget that. Merry Christmas you two. I love you. Thanks for all the other Christmases. I promise to be a the best daughter-in-law to the Abbotts. 

4 // Run to You by Pentatonix 

To my baby girl. Thanks for showing me this gem. You showed it to me at a time where I felt really hopeless about school work and finals and everything school related. 

5 // Higher Love by Steve Winwood

To everyone who has brought "higher love" to me and who will bring it in the future. 

Now let's jam. 

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Observed // I can't do it alone

p h o t o 

Today, I broke down.

Today, I realized that I really can't do it alone. I just can't. As much as I think I'm invincible and I'm strong and I'm fearless and I'm super-woman. I'm not. And I'm not saying this to feel sorry for myself or to be angry or to cry, even though sometimes I feel that way, I'm saying these things because I feel like giving up and I can't because I also see where I'm going.

When your husband is recovering from an extensive reconstructive surgery, your life is 100% dedicated to his needs. But life also expects you to be 100% dedicated to school and work and callings and pinterest and blogs and instagram and everything in between.

That's just not possible. It's not possible for me. I can't do it.

As much as I pray that I can. I can't.

God has granted me with far more serenity for far other things. For things that matter most really.

But it's hard to see that.

It's hard to see that I can't do it all.

Listen, I have worked out in over a month. My body is feeling it.

I haven't cooked a solid meal in days. The time is slipping for me.

I might need to take Tyler to the doctor again because of reactions to medication and the pain being SO excruciating at times despite medication that Tyler almost passes out.

It's overwhelming and it's humiliating to my soul and it tears my heart out and I just can't do it.

I almost want to say that NO 21 year old girl should feel this way.

I shouldn't feel this pressure. Why does school want me to be perfect, why is this happening? Why is that happening?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I can't tell you why. I mean I could say something from a conference talk and I could think of my own philosophy but for right now I'm going to rely on comforting words from my mom and the small little smidgen of peace that is still left in my heart.

Because that's all the strength I have left.

That's all. And I need that strength to help Tyler get to bed and brush his teeth and go to the bathroom and eat. I need it. It's all I have left.

Observed // 3 or 4?

p h o t o 

Listen up, and listen good. I do not feel good. No, I do not. I feel like I've been hit by a bus and swallowed by a fish. I feel completely let down by myself. I haven't updated this blog in what seems like forever. I can't swallow food without feeling like I'm on a sailboat being torn apart by the sea. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to do school anymore. I pretty much don't want to do anything.

Oh and I haven't worked out in days. I feel like a straight up schlump you guys.

But let me tell you this. I have no reason to be ungrateful. I do not.

I have had so many freaking flipping fracking people watching out for me. Not including Tyler. He always watches out for me.

Like Ginger Ale at my door step, sour patch, hot tamales, and mints delivered, and a million and two texts of well wishes, love, kindness, and help. Like who the eff am I to complain?

I am pretty gosh darn blessed. The gosh darndest. I can't even tell you how much I love the people in my life.

I can't tell you how much my life is changing for good.

I have stopped caring about things that were negatively burdening my life. I stopped worrying about likes, and outfits, and my career and I've started focusing more on what brings me the most happiness in the world.

Guys. I can't even begin to express the glow I feel underneath all this crappy sick stuff.

Like, I want to look as damn slap happy as this lady in the picture. Doesn't she look divine, and so perfectly casually dressed? Heck yes, I want to be a version of her of me. Get it?

Anyway...that's me observed for a fourth time...or a third. I've lost track.

Now go listen to this shiz:




Gah! And this too!
 

Terrific Tuesday // Always late

So you just get a picture today.  That I found yesterday. On Tuesday.

1 

Monday Musing // Observed thrice.

I am not the skinniest.

I am not the curviest.

I am not the most fit.

I am not the prettiest in pictures.

I don't look gorgeous without makeup.

I have a roll of chub on my belly.

I sometimes eat more than I should.

I didn't exercise today.

I was impatient.

I wear oversized clothing that probably isn't flattering.

And I feel sad.

But here are the things that I am.

I am the kind of person who tries to see the silver lining in every thing.

I am a giver.

I am a lover.

I am a fighter.

I care.

I love.

I laugh.

I am a daughter of God.

I am a wife.

I am a daughter of wonderful parents.

I am a person who tries.

I am a person who smiles.

I am a person who doesn't give up if she doesn't see results in the mirror.

I am strong.

I am powerful.

I am beautiful.

And I am gold.

p.s. photos are not mine. I found them on pinterest. I was just too lazy to link the sources. please don't sue me. 

Observed // Me, again...

p h o t o 

I'm observing myself again. And my feelings. And my thoughts. And my beliefs. I observe those a lot. And when I say observe, I mean reflect. That's what I'm doing, but I like making things sound deeper and more hipster and artsy because that's the way I roll. So observed is the word. 

Well, it's me again. Back for another blogpost. Back for another musing on a Monday. Wearing a t-shirt dress I got from the Gap for $11.20. Because I really like a good deal. I like them so much that I buy so many deals that it pretty much defeats the purpose of deals in the first place. 

And the thing is, I'm pretty grateful that Tyler tolerates me so much, because I really bug myself a lot. I get annoyed with how my mind works sometimes. I am annoyed with my anxieties and the feelings I have. And I realize that I'm not loving myself enough and so I have to observe myself. I just do. I have to take a break from the pretzel bite recipe I'm trying, and I need to observe myself, because it teaches me to love myself more. It teaches me to see what Tyler sees. It teaches me patience. 

And so I observe....reflect, really. 

So things I've observed about myself. 

My style preferences have evolved. I have always really liked laid-back styles. Granted, in the past I forced myself to wear certain pieces to fit in, but now I think I've got it. Honestly, I could use some more business appropriate pieces in my closet. I need to dress a little more professionally, but right now I am really happy with how my closet looks. I look at it and I think, yep I could pick anything in here and be happy about wearing it. Though, I should really invest in a well tailored pencil skirt and white blouse. That would be a grand idea. Mom, are you interested in making both of those things for me? 

So if you see me in a lot of stripes, oversized shirts with pockets, and t-shirt dresses just know that it makes me happy and comfortable and to me that is quite enough. And I don't really want to worry about pant suits right now. 

I love cooking. I looooooooove it. All types of cooking. I love trying new recipes. I love eating the food. I love watching it all form into something. 

I am still addicted to instagram, but the likes and comments don't matter as much. That's a relief. 

I may like certain bloggers and certain people and I may be tolerant of things and I may have a more open mind towards things, but that doesn't mean that I hate the church I belong to. I know it is true and I have my standards and I have my testimony and I believe the doctrines. I believe that I am equal among the men of my institution. One of my favorite bloggers is going through a spiritual journey and I started really getting bent out of shape about it, but then I decided that it's her life, not mine, and I can't change her ways, but I can change mine and I can become a better disciple and daughter of God, because that's who I want to be. God is love and God is good. He is no respecter of persons, but he loves with an infinite love and I know that through the Atonement, I can do all. I can overcome fears and doubts that I have. I know it, because I have experienced it. 

Slowly but surely, I have started to love my body again. 

Slowly but surely, I am getting the hang of this kinder thing. I am getting to know people around me and I am making new friends and trying to patch up relationships with old ones and it is working out. 

Every day I learn something new. Every day I shed some tear about some silly thing, but I learn more about life and love and happiness and peace.

And every day I'm grateful for all these experiences because it's what this grand plan is all about. 

Boy, I am so grateful. 

Observed // Me

p h o t o 

Me. 

I like wearing stripes, gray, birkenstocks, vans, jeans, and dresses that are three sizes too big. 

I have never been body conscious until two months ago when I realized I had gained so extra pounds. I never thought it would paralyze me with fear so much. 

I have found strength in my husband who is truly my best friend. He is my other half. People used to say that he stressed me out...in fact one time two people told me that I treated him like a child. They accused me of treating someone I loved badly. Well they didn't know the depth of our relationship. They didn't know just how deep my love for him was and that they were the ones that were causing the stress and anger in our relationship. Some people just see what is in front of them, but they don't see the whole picture. They don't see the inner feelings of the heart. They don't see when they don't want to feel...when they are angry and bitter. That's why I never want to be an angry or bitter person. I don't want to be blind. 

He is better than I could ever be. Every day, I aspire to be just like him. 

He is my heart and soul. 

I really love pinterest and instagram. 

Social media gets me down. 

Sometimes I compare myself to other people. 

Sometimes I know that I am pretty kick-butt on certain days and it's the greatest feeling. 

I am learning to be kinder. 

I am learning to forgive. 

Some days I am happy as a clam and free as a bird. 

Some days I am just like Sam Shukusky and I'm looking for my moonrise kingdom with the love of my life. 

And all is well. 

The sweetest of happy.

I like taking selfies. Selfies with a purpose, that is. Doesn't everyone need a good selfie every now and again? The purpose of this selfie, you ask? To show how happy I am to be home for the holidays. And the pure happiness that I feel when I think that a week from today I will be sealed to my love.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Stay Gold. 

p.s. photo was edited with VSCO cam. 

Wishlist Wednesday: 5 Things I Wish For

There will be no clothing items or accessories on this wishlist today. Here are 5 things I'm wishing for this year. 

1. I wish to cook more. I cooked so much last school year and now I never do. I need to cook. It's a lot healthier and happier that way. I feel that way anyway. Cooking de-stresses...thus, a happier Dani.

2. I wish to manage my money better. I want to save and I want to get a job. If you know of any place hiring, I would love to hear about it. Let me know kiddos.

3. I wish to be kinder and more lovely with people. I want to be sweeter and more genuine. I want to let people know that I care about them. I want to stop being so critical towards others.

4. I wish to stop peeling my cuticles and biting my nails. I hate these habits of mine. The woes of anxiety.

5. I wish to organize my life better and be fully dedicated to school.

What are you wishing for? What wishes do you want to accomplish? We all can do this! I know it. Stay gold.

Sneak Peek

So I look like a goof...but here's a little sneak peek of my new spectacles...

And if my eyes look big...it's because I'm opening them real wide. I always try to take silly selfies. What do you think? Feedback? Comments? If you don't like them...that's too bad because they have already been ordered. AND I LOVE THEM! Thank you Costco and Mikli par Mikli.