Observed // Me

p h o t o 

Me. 

I like wearing stripes, gray, birkenstocks, vans, jeans, and dresses that are three sizes too big. 

I have never been body conscious until two months ago when I realized I had gained so extra pounds. I never thought it would paralyze me with fear so much. 

I have found strength in my husband who is truly my best friend. He is my other half. People used to say that he stressed me out...in fact one time two people told me that I treated him like a child. They accused me of treating someone I loved badly. Well they didn't know the depth of our relationship. They didn't know just how deep my love for him was and that they were the ones that were causing the stress and anger in our relationship. Some people just see what is in front of them, but they don't see the whole picture. They don't see the inner feelings of the heart. They don't see when they don't want to feel...when they are angry and bitter. That's why I never want to be an angry or bitter person. I don't want to be blind. 

He is better than I could ever be. Every day, I aspire to be just like him. 

He is my heart and soul. 

I really love pinterest and instagram. 

Social media gets me down. 

Sometimes I compare myself to other people. 

Sometimes I know that I am pretty kick-butt on certain days and it's the greatest feeling. 

I am learning to be kinder. 

I am learning to forgive. 

Some days I am happy as a clam and free as a bird. 

Some days I am just like Sam Shukusky and I'm looking for my moonrise kingdom with the love of my life. 

And all is well. 

Friday Favorites // Something about a keyboard...

p h o t o

 

I'm writing this on my work break...on a desktop keyboard. Man, it's awesome. The keys click ever so nicely. Nicer than my laptop keyboard, that's just soft clicks, these are clacky, intense, what I'm writing is really important clicks. Rad, I say. So here are some favorites. My inspiration is flowing. The weekend is here. I hope it's a magical one. Tyler and I are going to take some time to rest and relax from all of the catch-up we've been doing since California. Plus a bad test score and anxious minds need some TLC that can only be remedied by shopping, dollar theater, and food. What are you doing? Sound off!

1 // Bedazzled sandals!

2 // Do I really need to have these mastered by the time I'm 30? How about by the time I die? Yeah that's fine by me.

3 // For all you weekend sale shoppers. The Do's and Don'ts of Shopping a Sale.

4 // The perfect summer sweatshirt.

5 // Oh and it comes in so many more options!

6 // Yes, you so are.

7 // You are cared about!

8 // The perfect outfit.

9 // GUYS, WALLPAPER! *faints from the beauty*

10 // Currently reading this beauty...

11 // Ty, Jake, Anna, and I literally watched the bee with bated breath. Amazing.

12 // Okay, I am crying. I needed this so much. No matter what size, shape, or color. You are beautiful.

13 // #YesAllWomen because every guy I dated in college (with the exception of my husband) couldn't swallow the fact that I really wanted to "just be friends."

+ h a p p y // w e e k e n d 

& 

+ s t a y // g o l d

Let's Talk About Downton Abbey

Please pretend that you are just like Tyler and I just barely watching the show for the first time, jumping on the bandwagon SUPER late. Let's just pretend okay?

We have only watched six episodes because we are trying to spread it out so we can look forward to something new every night. Despite just six episodes, I am so hooked it's not even funny. WE, yes Tyler and I are both hooked. We love that show.

I am saying it now and I will say it again and forever, it is probably the best show I have ever watched. Like how was it not a movie first? A series? Come on, it's freaking gold!

What is going to happen? I mean, I remember my mom and sister sobbing because of this show. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat. Is Mary going to accept Matthew? Who is the real Mr. Bates? Will Thomas and Ms. O'Brien ever get their comeuppance?

The servants are amazing. The Grantham's are incredible. I just. I can't even. I love this show.

Yes, it gets its own blog post. A short and incoherent one at that, but that's because I'm overwhelmed with feels right now. And that's okay.

I'm team Matthew and Mary.

I'm also team Cora. She's the coolest mom ever. Heck, I like most of the characters minus a few! Could you blame me?

Everything is so well-written and developed. Ah. So good.

Watch it I tell you. Just watch it.

P.S. The costuming and music is beyoooooond.

The thing about weight.

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I can't step near a scale. Thinking about it brings fear to my very soul. It shakes my bones. The last time I stepped on a scale my heart sank, my tears stung, my throat tightened, and I felt completely ill. I immediately regretted my decision of stepping on that stupid piece of metal run by batteries that could have been smashed so quickly with one fierce stomp.

The thing is...gaining weight paralyzes me and it's stupid, because my weight has always fluctuated and I have always been okay with my body, but circumstances and life experiences and trials have eaten at my mind and sometimes I look in the mirror and I just hate what I see, but I love what I eat, but working out seems like such a burden during my already busy day.

I have always had exercise tendencies. I actually enjoy it after I do it. But I can't let it consume me anymore. I just can't...because it has been. And sometimes it doesn't even matter if Tyler tells me that I'm beautiful or if I read one more passage about divine nature and just being healthy and taking care of your body. Sometimes you just feel hopeless. Sometimes you feel like you are only working out so you can drop a waistline...so you can fit into those skirts that you love so much.

And I kinda do right now. I feel that way. And I don't want to. I want to exercise for ME.

Oh how I hate scales and numbers and watching what I eat and going through the sweat, pain, and tears.

My mom tells me I can eat whatever I want...as long as I exercise. She means completely well...I totally promise. She has never made me feel sick about my body. She has always encouraged me, but I'm surrounded by beautiful girls who hate their bodies and so I look at mine and think...well I must hate mine too.

There must be something wrong with mine too.

So what do I do? Well, I'm going to keep on living. I'm going to keep on trying. Sure, I won't work out every single day, I still need to figure that out. Sure I'll still eat junk and healthy things and whatever I please. But I'm still trying to figure myself out.

I'm trying to love my body. The hips, the stretch marks, the cellulite, the boobs, the rolls, the little pooch, the uneven skin, the not-so-toned arms. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to love who I am. My body, my spirit, my health, and I'm going to be grateful. I have to be. I have to be, because being grateful actually works. It actually helps. I want to take care of myself, but I also want to love myself...so I will.

Let's love ourselves a little bit more.

Let's love our skin.

Here's a post that has really helped me. I read it almost every single day. I'm going to print it off and put it in my journal. I hope it helps you. It is beautiful.

+ s t a y // g o l d 

Monday Musing // How could you do this to me?

Today was not a good day. Well there were some good things, like my professor canceling the final, chinese food with coworkers, and the biggest hugs from Tyler...but other than that...this day has been the pits. The pits.

Of course it happens right after General Conference weekend. Of course, it happens on the last full week of school. Of course it involves my one gateway to school work and academic success...my computer.

Yes, my computer hard drive crashed today and it is unrecoverable. That means all of my projects, gone. All of my hard work wiped away. All of it, except for the decent little pieces of work that I have put away on a 4GB Sandisk Cruzer.

Today, I didn't even cry about it. I didn't even rage. I had to silently push back the tears and carry on, because not everybody cares about how helpless or useless or disheveled or downtrodden you feel. That's life.

So...I found myself fighting off the tears with a sore throat and an itchy nose and a burning face thinking, "How could you do this to me, Heavenly Father? How? How could this happen now? Why?"

And I wanted to scream and cry and throw things, but I didn't...because it was a time where I really had to put things into perspective.

I had to take a moment to show my gratitude.

I am overwhelmed still and tired. And worried. And hoping that my computer can be at least repaired in some decent way very soon. So for now, watch this video and listen to this talk.



It's all worth it.

I'm trying to be grateful.

But I'm not perfect.

But sometimes trying is enough.

That's all.

+ s t a y // g o l d