Wednesday, November 18, 2015

my dearest friends, it's been a long time.

honestly, i thought i was done with this blog, but feelings and recent events in my life have brought me back.

right now, i'm stuck in the middle of something. the middle of life? maybe? the middle of growth? yeah, most likely. i don't know. just the middle.

i'm stuck in the middle of finding where i belong in this world.

it's always nice to belong. in life, there are places where you just belong, you know what i'm saying? like i belong at home with my favorite person (tyler). i belong at my job. i belong in certain places, but recently i've found that i don't feel like i belong in a place where i thought i belonged my whole life. that place is church... right now i feel really out of place with church. my whole life, i've been a part of this church and i've gained a testimony of this church, but recent events have really shaken me about this church that i still love and don't ever want to leave and that i still have a testimony of. sometimes it's hard to belong in a place that makes you soul-crushingly sad.

i've always felt like i've belonged in my family and my family has found peace and solace in this church, so what happens when someone in your family is told they don't belong in this church or that their future family does not belong in this said church? that's a hard pill to swallow.

my family has chosen to stick together and show an outpouring of love to our grieving friends and loved ones. we have also chosen to stick with the church and the gospel that makes us happy 99.9% of the time.

but i still feel wounded. even when i've made that decision. i feel so wounded. i feel weak. i feel disconnected. i feel like i still don't belong. my dad, in words of comfort, told me that he has never felt like he's found a place, but he's found a good enough place that will have to do. maybe i'll have to feel just like he does. maybe.

i tried to talk to a trusted friend about these feelings and i was addressed with apathy and misunderstanding. people who are not very close to situations don't understand. i don't hold it against this person, but it still hurt. i went to relief society that day holding back so many tears. holding back so much bitterness and anger towards the women around me. i felt isolated. i went home and buried my face in my pillow, a wave of emotions coming over me. a wave of fear. a wave of heartbroken remorse. i know this sounds dramatic but i felt truly and completely out of place. will i forever have to go to church and listen to people spout off their facebook statuses and articles like they are gospel? will another trusted friend react the same way?

tyler held me very close after church that day and he mourned with me. he showed me an outpouring of love that was pure and good and all that i needed. he did for me what i wanted those people at church to do. but i can't blame them. how were they to know? but still...i feel a little lost. and I still feel disconnected and i don't want to feel this way.

i'm not always sad though. sundays are just hard days right now and i just wanted to share some feelings because that's what i did on this blog. so yes, my return isn't very positive, but i wanted to share and actually ask for help.



The positive words and advice are always welcome.


  1. I had a similar conversation with a friend a few months ago. I felt like I was trying to find "my people" and didn't know where they were. I don't remember if this was something my friend said or just something I took from that conversation, but the idea was that maybe we don't have "people" because we are our own "person". I still don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But it makes sense. And it's got me focused on being the best me I can be, because I'm the only "people" I've got. And that's good. Rereading this comment, I can't tell if it's helpful or depressing, but it's meant to be good. Dani, you're an inspiration and I love you.


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