Can't seem to find it in a day.

I am overwhelmed. I have an Art History test at 1:00 today and the dates won't stay in my mind because they are being pushed out by wedding plans, dinner plans, grocery lists, birthdays, and maintaining another blog. I can't do it all. I simply can't. And those words are like pins in my mouth. I used to pride myself on having everything together, but the truth is...the very truth is that I don't. I don't at all. I'm behind on my calling. A calling which I'm struggling with right now I really am. Blogging has always been fun for me, I've never had to do what people tell me to do and I've always been allowed to write about what I want to write about...now, being the ward blogger I can't. I have to do what our sweet relief society presidency wants me to do, and that's fine, but it's not always reliable. Trying to get girls to do birthday spotlights is a disaster, they never get done on time and people always forget so I'm left so behind on birthdays and behind on every single other post I have to get done. It makes it not very fun and it doesn't help that people don't take it seriously...or that I have to do well in school, plan a wedding, and stay sane.

In all honesty...all I want to do is spend time with Tyler, get sealed, go to San Diego, and start my program next semester. Sometimes I want to have a calling where people actually appreciate what I do. Where I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. Sometimes I wish that I could just have the perfect wedding RIGHT NOW. That everyone would be happy with it and not expect so much. That details didn't matter so much and that you didn't get criticism for them. I wish people could see how much time I have put into work and school and blogging and this whole wedding. Because I have. I have put in all my energy and time. And I'm frustrated because I don't think people see that. I don't think people fully understand how much I've tried. Tried to be happy, tried to make others happy, tried to save money, tried to do my best, tried to be the best version of me. But somehow every time, I get lost along the way because I get caught up in what people want from me. And I have to stop doing that. It's MY wedding. It's MY blog. It's MY livelihood. And maybe that's selfish...but sometimes in life you have to be. You have to worry about yourself and ultimately you have to present yourself before God and Jesus Christ not your peers, or your bishop, or your ward members...even your fiancee..even though he's been the best human being ever I want to be everything to him. That's just the solid truth and reality of it all.

So yes, I'm completely and totally overwhelmed. I miss my mom and my dad. And I wish that things would get easier. I wish that I didn't have to have a reception or open house...and I wish that things could happen NOW, but I know something. I know that I want memories to last forever, I know I want to celebrate "D+T" I know I want to have the people I love there, I know I will be blessed if I fulfill my calling, and I know that the Lord is testing my patience for my own good. So I shall trust. And I shall overcome. And I shall come out better and brighter and happier and stronger. I know it.